So tonight Amanda, JJ and I had our little meeting time again and this time Kathi, Kelly, and Jen joined us. It turned out to be a huge blessing. Kathi has such an amazing ability to minister to people and God really speaks through her.
We did an activity where we listened to Kathi's music and just drew whatever we felt, or heard. (yes. literally drew.)Each of us drew different things and it was really amazing to talk about them afterwords and get to that stuff we were feeling in our hearts.
I ended up drawing almost exactly what Jen had shown us for the example (I was a tad confused at what we were supposed to do) I hate to admit it, but I was kind of nervous before we started our little activity because it was something I hadn't really heard of before and it's not the usual way that I personally connect to God. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing...and I was just thinking about it too much. So basically I was analyzing everything that I was doing (at first). So I drew the picture I thought I was supposed to draw, rather than drawing my own thing..and I wrote down a lot of my worries and my anxieties right now.
I wrote down things about how frustrated and overwhelmed I've been feeling about my class. The whole experience is just so uncomfortable and I know I need to trust, and like I said in my last post I am glad God has me here, in this place, but at the same time I still feel this weight sometimes from it...it still isn't easy...and it still makes me feel mixed up and just not good.
I feel unbelievably insecure through all of it. I feel like I'm not equipped to know how to deal with these kids and it's not a good feeling. I want to help them and I want to KNOW what I'm doing, and I feel like I have NO idea! I'm so scared of failing at it and about how the other teachers will look at me and see that I just have no clue.
I just wish I didn't have to feel like this.
So there's that..and things are just really different in general right now. It's summer...but it doesn't really feel like it, but at the same time it does...
I have class, but my roommates don't. So that's weird.
I'm here at school but my home friends are home. I want to be home with my friends while they're there! By the time I get back Christin AND Britt will both be gone, and that's really upsetting. Especially because I won't see Christin for a while while she's in Africa. Like I said before, this summer will be very different...and it really scares me sometimes.
So that's what I was thinking about/giving to God while drawing and writing. It was really amazing because I felt like when I was trying to explain what I wrote about I didn't even have to explain it that much, but Kathi GOT it.
She really hit the nail right on the head while talking with me and praying for me. I really felt that God was using her to bless me tonight. She talked about things I was struggling with that I didn't even explain to her tonight...it was so great.
She talked about how I look at things that are unknown and if they are unknown I kind of say "oh no!" and get rigid and think it will be bad if it's unknown or different. But that's certainly NOT the case!
She (and Jen) talked about how change is kind of like a stagnant pond. ...yea stay with me here...ha. The pond has to have that continuous source of new water to be CLEAN, pure, and to be used. No one wants to use a pond that has lots of grime and scum in it, it has to be cleaned and made new, and change is required.
Kathi reminded me that God not only KNOWS my whole life, from beginning to end, but that he knows the way, he'll be with me and he is walking before me! So I can "take courage" because even though, yes, God is changing things, HE is the one who is changing them and making them new. All I need to do is walk with Him and I don't need to dread the change, because it is needed.
I was encouraged to picture that pond this week, and just the renewal that happens as water goes out and new water comes in, and to remember that God is the one leading. When those thoughts of 'dread of change' come I can take them captive and remember that God is walking with me and better yet before me. It reminds me of something else Kathi said. It's like I'm walking along the path of my life, trying to figure things out and be in control, but GOD's there and He has run ahead on the path and come back to me to lead and walk with me.
I'm trying to remember what else we talked about but it's all still kind of swirling around in my brain..ha. I'm also tired, so I hope this makes sense.
It's truly amazing hearing from God and I'm so thankful that He doesn't let me go, but that He keeps helping through my struggles. Kathi said tonight that feeling defined by anxiety, and fear is almost a blessing because it's what brings us to the end of our rope so that we need God. It also connects us to other people, and it's so great knowing I don't have to go through this on my own. It was also a comfort to know and be reminded that God wants our crap...if ya know what I'm sayin'..ha. Bringing all of that gross stuff and feelings really draws us nearer to God. The more we come to Him with those things, the more we will feel Him.
I just thought of one more thing...ha. (There was SO much good stuff) Kathi said that we build up 'structures' in our minds that we define as truths, but that are actually lies. We need to knock these structures down, (after we identify them) and not let ourselves be defined by them. They shouldn't be things we have to adjust to but they should be "cast away".
:) So yes. I think that's enough for one night.
"5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5
6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6
Thanks goodness Jesus is the way, truth and life!
No comments:
Post a Comment