This was a pretty glorious weekend.
The weather was completely beautiful. I love fall. I'm convinced that it is good for the soul.
This Saturday morning I went to an R&R retreat and what Jenny spoke hit right to my heart. I'm still trying to process it. (hence the blog post)
This is kind of personal but when has that stopped me before?
The topic was to Get Rid of Sin and to not stay in it. She discussed spiritual adultery; it's when the love and attention we used to give to God, we now give to other things. Why do we do it?
It's because we have lost sight of God's love.
I've lost sight of God's love.
I've been totally disconnected from God.
I don't know HOW I got here.
I don't know HOW to get out.
It's so confusing.
I felt like such a fake at the retreat because I feel like I just go through the motions. No one really knows that I don't spend one on ones with God anymore. No one really knows my sin. No one really knew that I wasn't feeling all sunshine and rainbows at the retreat, but more like a hypocrite and a lost child.
(of course God knows though)
There was a pretty powerful "skit" or "visual" about God. We are with God and we look at Him only, but then we see sin, and we want to go that way....we're holding onto God's hands...and we try to bring Him with us, BUT HE WON'T JOIN US IN THE SIN. So we cut Him off, because He won't join us in those places.
The result is that we are caught in sin. We have to CUT OFF the sin. Cut off what is keeping us from the LIFE we get when we are with God's love.
Cutting off hurts. We need to figure out what it is that we need to cut off.
This is the hard part. Because I know that I need to cut off stuff. and I know that it will hurt. (because it always does) I'm just having trouble coming to terms with WHAT exactly I need to get rid of.
I know I DO need to spend more one on one time with my God. and to PRAY more.
I think it would also be helpful if I had more people in my life to keep me accountable.
I have to remember that God still loves me the most, even now. His love is not conditional. He doesn't love me any less now (even though I sometimes feel like that is the case). He reminded me that He LOVES ME at my worst. That's helpful and comforting.
He did speak to me that I need to cut off people pleasing.
A large majority of my time and energy is spent people pleasing. I want people to like me. I put time and thought into what I say and do and how it will look to someone else. (and probably not always in a good way...meaning it's entirely selfish and not to benefit the person, only me)
I need to cut off negative thoughts.
I need to cut off judgement.
and envy.
and I'm sure there are more....
It's a process. and it isn't going to be pretty. but with God's grace and help, I can only hope that I will get back to the place where I was.
