Look out, this is not suger-coated.

I feel pretty darn crappy right now. Like, the crappy I used to feel allll the time, but I haven't felt in a while.

I just got back from a new church I'm trying out. This was my third time there.

This is the second time I have left just plain feeling like poo. It really stinks because I LOVE the worship, I LOVE the message, and the whole "feel" of it...but to put it plain and simple, I just don't feel welcome there. Good friends of mine go to this church, so I figured I would give it a try...but it's so upsetting because I feel like there is no place for me.

Today a few people asked if I was my friend' sister, to which I replied no... and then one lady looks at me in the way someone might look at you if they think they've seen you before, or you look familiar to them...and she goes " You look young...I mean, you don't even look like you're old enough to be in college..!" Well geeze lady, thanks a lot. Like, what do I say to that? I'm sorry?

Sorry I don't look the way you think I should...? sorry.

ugh. Honestly I left church and rode home in tears.

It wasn't just that comment but a lot of things about it.

I'm 22 world.

Hey nice to meet you.

I look 16, yup. Sorry, can't help it...

Hey I'm 22, and nope...I'm not married. It happens...

can't you just accept me?

I just feel like I have no place and it's not a fun feeling. In that church...but also just in life right now.

I feel like I'm not normal or something... That comment broke the straw I guess..but now I feel like my brain is flooding with lies that I don't belong anywhere. Because I look young. Because I'm not married. Because I don't have a job. I'm not good enough. That comment keeps playing on repeat in my head " you don't even look old enough..."

She sounded so rude, like she was mocking me. "You don't even look old enough!" (I know. She wasn't...but my brain puts a nasty spin on these things)

.....ohhhhh life.

I just called a great mentor, friend Kylee...and now I feel a little better. whew...

Have you ever felt like this?

Oh Monday

Today was really crappy.

Just blatantly, puttin' it out there. I don't like bein' all negative but that's where I'm at.

It was definitely Monday.

I woke up late, I had to rush out the door (in 15 minutes!), I had to teach reading and I didn't at ALL feel prepared for it. AND my supervisor had her scheduled visit today.
ugh.. baaad start.

I've been getting over a cold, so I've still felt not completely right health wise, not to mention I just look tired and not good.

Like I said in my other posts I've been busy. and that's probably an understatement. This weekend JJ got married, (YAYY!!) so the weekend was SO busy, and I just feel like I have been constantly going, going, going. Like the energizer bunny. I've been going from one thing to the next without really having time to myself to STOP. and think. Sometimes you just need to reflect on things/emotions you know? You don't realize it until you haven't gotten to stop and really think in a while. It's exhausting. I feel like I've been emotionally exhausted.

This weekend and today I haven't spent any time with God. So there is problem number one.

Anxiety today was HIGH. I worry about EVERYTHING having to do with the future. You name it, I worry about it. And I honestly felt like I could have broken down at any minute today. I've just been wearing myself out, and it was one of those mornings starting out.

I'm at this cross-roads in my life, I feel.
It's hard because I'm still trying to figure so much out at this ripe old age of 21. I've barely got rolling with my adult life and I have no idea what I want to do with myself.
Sometimes I find myself wondering if I even really want to teach. (I WILL teach....) but sometimes I get confused about whether it's what I really want to do or not.

I guess I'm figuring out lately that teaching just doesn't fill me up like I thought it would. When I think about doing it for my whole life, it just seems monotonous. ...but then ANYthing I would do for my whole life seems monotonous. (..it is a job after all) Sometimes I just feel like what's the point of all this..?

Every so often I also start to feel down and just not right about all the change happening in my life and to come. There is so much big stuff in my life changing and it's TOO MUCH for my little brain to handle. It freaks me out. And then you can cue the anxiety.
I'm graduating from COLLEGE and this is all I've known for FOUR years. That's a LONG time. (and a very short time) In that time though I've changed so very much as a person. I'm not the same as I was four years ago. What will happen with my life now? Everything will be different.. Who will I talk to? or be friends with? How will I live? what will I do? WHERE will I be?
I can't shake the feelings in my head that everything will go down hill from here..and it will just be bad. ugh. whyy do I think this way.

I feel like I'm in a power struggle with God. I'm definitely not where I want to be and I don't understand why He allows my constant struggle with anxiety. I could definitely use prayer.

God speaks through dreams too

This past week (last week..I should say) were j-block midterms. They were sort of brutal. We had classes on Monday and Tuesday and then 2 midterms each on Wednesday and Thursday. They were really tough, and I DID study like crazy. I studied all afternoon Tuesday and literally ALL day Wednesday, bleh. I'm so glad they're over...but at the same time nervous about the grades.

I feel like I've been on one of those "up-swings" for a while until recently. =/ I don't know what happened but it always happens I guess. Last week wasn't fun because of those tests and my cold, and right now it's fall BREAK even though it should be called anything but that. It doesn't feel like a break with all the work I've been doing today.

I feel like I've been overly distracted by other things in my life weighing on me and I haven't been coming to God enough. I just want to relax, but I'm so stressed out. :( Today a UCF newsletter was in my inbox and Kathi had written something that I can SO relate to today. That I'm distracted by life and failing to give God the attention that He SO deserves. She said it's all about Him and we tend to forget it amongst the things going on in our lives.

Lately this deep fear I have of being alone in life has been building and building and when I got home on Saturday night I felt the worst I've felt in a really long time. I HATE feelings of self-pity but I felt so worthless. Or like something MUST be wrong with me. If this doesn't make sense, put it in this context: I was at a bridal shower where allll of my friends were either married or getting married, and then I look at my own life and I'm nowhere near it right now. I know, I know, it's all well and good, I'm 21 years old, I have plenty of time, God knows... but I still broke down and I felt like crap.

This is going to sound so wrong but sometimes I feel mad at God for it. It tears me apart that I have to have such a strong desire for marriage, and a family of my own just to wait and wait....and wait some more, and meanwhile watch all of my friends (okay most of my friends) start dating, or getting engaged and married. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one or like God's forgotten about me, or just doesn't care about me. I just feel like "what about me God?"

Now let me just say a few things for the record..
1. This is so extremely personal and I'm really putting myself "out there" posting this sort of thing on my blog.
2. I know with my whole heart that this is entirely selfish.
3. I also know with my whole heart that God DOES have a plan for me. Most of the time I can trust God's plan and I'm even excited about it, but
sometimes I also think Satan really gets to me about this great fear. There are times when it all feels so frustrating and I just don't get it at all.

I understand the waiting part but it almost feels like a joke that everyone(okay again, seemingly everyone) around me has what I so badly want for myself.

So that said, Saturday night, NO good. I was a mess.

I went to sleep pretty early because I felt so drained. Here's where the dreams part from my title comes in...

I dreamed about a big ocean and water like ALL night. At least the dreams I can remember. I rarely look up meanings for dreams that I have...and when I say rarely I mean close to never have I done it before. But these dreams so effected me that I looked them up on my computer before church on Sunday.

In one of the dreams I was in a pretty calm ocean (water EVERYWHERE) and my friends were there too. They were floating in the back, but I kept diving and coming back up and bobbing all over the place. They were watching me wondering what on earth I was doing.

The other couple dreams were all about BIG waves. I mean these things were tsunamis. This time I had a house (or at least a room in a house) and me and the couple friends in my dream kept getting warnings about these torrential waters coming, more than warnings though we sort of just knew they were coming. (it was a dream okay ha) It was so scary, I could see the HUGE wall of water and I knew it would crash down on me and in my dream I was trying to figure out how to protect myself. I went under as the wave came (sort of like I do in the ocean in real life to not get pummeled heh) and it still had me tossed a lot. For parts of the dream I was just in this rough sea, being tossed by all these ginormous waves. Then I went to my house/room and it was completely destroyed. At one point I think it even caught fire.. ? Go figure. I sort of remember trying to rebuild it too.

Anyway-I woke up and I was like whoa...I need to look up the meaning for big waves.

This is what I found:
Waves
The waves in dreams may represent emotional fluctuations. If you are currently experiencing a period of tranquillity and peace, you may be dreaming about calm waters and gentle ocean waves. This dream suggests that you may be gathering energy and recharging emotionally. However, more commonly people dream of violent and dangerous tidal waves. Tidal waves or tsunamis suggest a period of emotional upheaval. Anxiety, stress, and unconscious materials may be coming to the surface and affecting your daily moods. Giant tidal waves may symbolize current emotional unhappiness and psychological stress, which are threatening to destroy you. The outcome of this dream may reveal how much strength you have to "ride out" personal storms. For example, surviving the tidal wave suggests that you have enough strength to overcome challenges and drowning that you may be "in it over your head" and should seek assistance.

Water
Water is a very common but powerful dream symbol. Its meaning varies with the details and the mood of the dream. Water is a deeply spiritual symbol representing the "water of life" or the "flow of life." Large bodies of water usually represent our unconscious minds or/and soul experiences. Water symbolizes emotions (rough, smooth, clear, murky, etc.)

First of all, howw CRAZY is that?! I definitely felt anxiety, stress, and emotional "upheaval" that night.. It's amazing that the brain can turn emotions into things like THAT. The thing that really struck me the most about the interpretations was the part that says water is "deeply spiritual"....um. okay. wow.

The CRAZIEST part of all is that I left for church, and the sermon yesterday was ALL about WATER AND WAVES!!!!!

I. could. not. comprehend. it.

I still haven't.

I'm convinced that God was speaking to me. I've heard that He speaks through dreams and just the fact of that sermon on that morning, when I had already looked it up on my computer before church!... AHHH!!!

Now okay, the sermon covered more than just waves.. but that's obviously the part that stuck out most to me.
The main scripture for the morning was psalm 93.

The parts that stuck out for me were:

3The floods have lifted up, O Lord, the floods have lifted up their voice; the floods lift up the roaring of their waves.
4The Lord on high is mightier and more glorious than the noise of many waters, yes, than the mighty breakers and waves of the sea.
5Your testimonies are very sure; holiness [apparent in separation from sin, with simple trust and hearty obedience] is becoming to Your house, O Lord, forever.

wow. I wish I could get a recording of that sermon because I feel like I might have missed something or forgotten some already.

Here are the notes I wrote down straight from the pastor's mouth:
-Water represents God and His plan.
-Wind, and water represent evil standing in the way of God. The God of the UNIVERSE is MORE powerful than these waters.
-Sea represents evil, wickedness, suffering, death
-The Father keeps His promises, He calms the sea, He wipes away the tears from our eyes
-Our God is mightier, He has the power to calm the waters.
-He is MIGHTIER than the crashing of the sea
-Our God comforts us

It might seem a bit repetitive but that's only because he was really driving these same points home.
He also discussed Rev 21.. it's one of my favorite passages from revelation. He talked about how in verse 1 it says the former earth, and sky passed away and there was no longer any SEA. It was awesome how it all clicked. There wasn't a sea because it represents suffering, and death.

Mark 4:35- was also included. It's when Jesus calms the storm. :) The wind and the waves are crashing into the boat, and the disciples are scared. They doubt that Jesus cares about them and Jesus says "Why are you so afraid, have you still no faith?"

What a comfort and peace God brought to my heart through this. I'm still SO AMAZED even just reading through this. That is no coincidence, that's God. The fact that He would even still WANT to reassure me and comfort me when I'm in one of my most selfish states is appalling.

I could write so much more about this but I don't want it to be too much longer.

I've learned that when you "step off" the ride with Jesus, (when you aren't walking as closely with Him), look out, because you are leaving yourself open for spiritual attack, and that's exactly what's been happening to me I feel. Thank goodness Jesus always pulls me back.

The human mind is a strange thing.

I'm not sure how or why it is possible to feel so many emotions at one time, but that's pretty much where I'm at right now.

I AM excited to go back, more than anything else. I guess.

At the same time though, I feel sort of nervous...and a little anxious.

What the heck?

I really want to be excited but I could do without the nervous/anxious part added in there too.

Oh well.

Tomorrow will be a day of packing and running some last minute errands.

Senior year here I come.