God's peace still rules

This post might be really honest..I'm not sure but I'm feelin' it tonight. ha

It's Wednesday night. Which means it's caregroup night, well...it's SUPPOSED to be caregroup night.. (CG is Bible study) but it was cancelled tonight because one of the leaders got sick :( I'm really bummed. I hate to admit it, buuut I start looking forward to Wednesday night... on Monday. ha. Yes. MONDAY. It's kind of sickening but it's really a day that I can't wait to come because I love caregroup that much. All week I wait for it in my head. It's like such a bright spot in my week. Something to look forward to ya know? So yeah, I'm bummed.

I have my dreaded Praxis 2 tests coming up this Saturday so I've been studying, and caregroup is always a nice "forced" break for myself. If I'm home I feel like I should be studying.

Tonight though I decided to do a "soaking" as Kathi called them, and just spend a little quiet time with God (..before I start studying.... If your curious as to what I mean by soaking check out this post
She had us listen to her music and draw, but I just put on some random music (JJ Hellers new album, which is fantastic btw)and started drawing.

I ended up drawing an ocean with a lot of waves and I'm in the waves trying not to drown. At the bottom of the ocean I wrote the words, fear, worry, loneliness, anxiety. I also wrote no fight left..
and then above the ocean I drew a yellow/orange cloud with God's arms reaching down. In the light clouds I wrote peace, love, joy, truth, comfort. I also put MY ARMS ARE OPEN.

It's kind of amazing what kind of things just come out when you sit down to color or draw. My picture seems kind of depressing. I mean...I pretty much drew myself drowning..I know that can't be good.

That's honestly how I've felt these past few days/weeks though, on and off. I seriously feel like I'm drowning sometimes. In worry,fear, anxiety, doubts, you name it. I haven't felt like myself and I've been so depressed. It's the worst feeling ever, because there isn't really a direct reason and it's SO HARD to pull myself out when I'm feeling it.

I felt A LOT better today than yesterday and I've been thanking God for that. I sometimes wonder if I should tell a doctor or someone about it, but it's not consistent, it's so on and off. I'm just not sure if it's normal.

Anyway- in my time tonight God showed up and he pointed out these verses in 1 Peter3:

3Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning...4But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.
...And you are now [Sarah's] true daughters if you do right and let nothing terrify you [not giving way to hysterical fears or letting anxieties unnerve you].

I was also reading in Colossians 3. I love the whole thing, this verse especially stuck out tonight..
15And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].

I love that. God's peace settles all questions that arise in our minds. (and believe me, I can come up with a lot of 'em. understatement)

So yeah, Happy Wednesday night to all!

Still chuggin' along

(May the God of peace) ..21Strengthen (complete, perfect) and make you what you ought to be and equip you with everything good that you may carry out His will; [while He Himself] works in you and accomplishes that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ (the Messiah); to Whom be the glory forever and ever (to the ages of the ages). Amen (so be it).
Hebrews 13:21

I love this verse.

I want to be so much better than I am.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of that girl that God is making me to be and I'm just trying to strive after that. It's really hard sometimes.

I can only change by coming to Him. HE is the one who strengthens me and makes me what I should be. HE equips me with everything I need! HE works in me accomplishing what is pleasing to Him.

Last night Kathi, Amanda and I finally were able to get together. Last year we were in prayer group together and have really missed just talking and praying and things so we met ...at the mall...haha of all places. It was really nice to talk again. We went a lot deeper than I or Amanda thought we would go.. There was some hard stuff discussed, at least on my end (and I think Amanda's too) but I think it was stuff we both needed to hear.

We went into a lot of stuff about my Dad, and it was really uncomfortable. I'm just confused about it right now and it's honestly the last thing I want to be thinking about and dealing with, but in a way I think it's what God wants. (For some odd reason...) Go figure.. God wants me to go where I don't want to. I'm still trying to sort through things, but we'll see how it goes.

I'm really trying to throw myself into God so that He can keep molding me. I'm really praying that He will show me the truths about who He is, because right now, with everything going on, I feel like my thoughts about Him are really clouded. =/

Hopefully it will get better soon...

The more I seek you...

So tonight Amanda, JJ and I had our little meeting time again and this time Kathi, Kelly, and Jen joined us. It turned out to be a huge blessing. Kathi has such an amazing ability to minister to people and God really speaks through her.

We did an activity where we listened to Kathi's music and just drew whatever we felt, or heard. (yes. literally drew.)Each of us drew different things and it was really amazing to talk about them afterwords and get to that stuff we were feeling in our hearts.

I ended up drawing almost exactly what Jen had shown us for the example (I was a tad confused at what we were supposed to do) I hate to admit it, but I was kind of nervous before we started our little activity because it was something I hadn't really heard of before and it's not the usual way that I personally connect to God. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing...and I was just thinking about it too much. So basically I was analyzing everything that I was doing (at first). So I drew the picture I thought I was supposed to draw, rather than drawing my own thing..and I wrote down a lot of my worries and my anxieties right now.

I wrote down things about how frustrated and overwhelmed I've been feeling about my class. The whole experience is just so uncomfortable and I know I need to trust, and like I said in my last post I am glad God has me here, in this place, but at the same time I still feel this weight sometimes from it...it still isn't easy...and it still makes me feel mixed up and just not good.
I feel unbelievably insecure through all of it. I feel like I'm not equipped to know how to deal with these kids and it's not a good feeling. I want to help them and I want to KNOW what I'm doing, and I feel like I have NO idea! I'm so scared of failing at it and about how the other teachers will look at me and see that I just have no clue.

I just wish I didn't have to feel like this.

So there's that..and things are just really different in general right now. It's summer...but it doesn't really feel like it, but at the same time it does...
I have class, but my roommates don't. So that's weird.
I'm here at school but my home friends are home. I want to be home with my friends while they're there! By the time I get back Christin AND Britt will both be gone, and that's really upsetting. Especially because I won't see Christin for a while while she's in Africa. Like I said before, this summer will be very different...and it really scares me sometimes.

So that's what I was thinking about/giving to God while drawing and writing. It was really amazing because I felt like when I was trying to explain what I wrote about I didn't even have to explain it that much, but Kathi GOT it.
She really hit the nail right on the head while talking with me and praying for me. I really felt that God was using her to bless me tonight. She talked about things I was struggling with that I didn't even explain to her tonight...it was so great.

She talked about how I look at things that are unknown and if they are unknown I kind of say "oh no!" and get rigid and think it will be bad if it's unknown or different. But that's certainly NOT the case!

She (and Jen) talked about how change is kind of like a stagnant pond. ...yea stay with me here...ha. The pond has to have that continuous source of new water to be CLEAN, pure, and to be used. No one wants to use a pond that has lots of grime and scum in it, it has to be cleaned and made new, and change is required.

Kathi reminded me that God not only KNOWS my whole life, from beginning to end, but that he knows the way, he'll be with me and he is walking before me! So I can "take courage" because even though, yes, God is changing things, HE is the one who is changing them and making them new. All I need to do is walk with Him and I don't need to dread the change, because it is needed.

I was encouraged to picture that pond this week, and just the renewal that happens as water goes out and new water comes in, and to remember that God is the one leading. When those thoughts of 'dread of change' come I can take them captive and remember that God is walking with me and better yet before me. It reminds me of something else Kathi said. It's like I'm walking along the path of my life, trying to figure things out and be in control, but GOD's there and He has run ahead on the path and come back to me to lead and walk with me.

I'm trying to remember what else we talked about but it's all still kind of swirling around in my brain..ha. I'm also tired, so I hope this makes sense.

It's truly amazing hearing from God and I'm so thankful that He doesn't let me go, but that He keeps helping through my struggles. Kathi said tonight that feeling defined by anxiety, and fear is almost a blessing because it's what brings us to the end of our rope so that we need God. It also connects us to other people, and it's so great knowing I don't have to go through this on my own. It was also a comfort to know and be reminded that God wants our crap...if ya know what I'm sayin'..ha. Bringing all of that gross stuff and feelings really draws us nearer to God. The more we come to Him with those things, the more we will feel Him.

I just thought of one more thing...ha. (There was SO much good stuff) Kathi said that we build up 'structures' in our minds that we define as truths, but that are actually lies. We need to knock these structures down, (after we identify them) and not let ourselves be defined by them. They shouldn't be things we have to adjust to but they should be "cast away".

:) So yes. I think that's enough for one night.

"5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

Thanks goodness Jesus is the way, truth and life!

GRACE and anticipation

Well, it's official. I am now a senior in college. I can't believe it, I have no idea where the time went. I hate change and one would think after the third time of dealing with another "College year" being over I'd be okay, but I still really struggle with the change. It has me feeling all kinds of mixed up inside. I felt really bad today again. Things tend to build up in my brain and I don't deal with them and they just all hit me at once and make me upset. It didn't hit me until yesterday that this year is over..ha, I think because I'm starting my summer class right away..but when I went to the gym yesterday and no one was there I remembered that it really is over because everyone pretty much left.
I'm excited for the changes and I am greatly anticipating what God has planned for my life, so I don't quite understand how it can make me feel so afraid at the same time.

I was feeling pretty convicted the past couple days about something and tonight I was able to pray about it and have God remind me of His amazing grace and forgiveness. While I was thinking and praying I realized how stretching this summer has the potential to be. I have 2 classes, and I'll be at school for a while. I'm not sure how much time pre-k will take up during the day but I'm excited that caregoup will still be going on. I think some really awesome stuff could happen also with the "Bible study" JJ, Amanda and I have recently decided to start. It's not really a Bible study exactly, more like accountability, but it's already been amazing to see how God has orchestrated the whole thing. It should be good, and I'm excited :)
I'll be at school probably until camp starts and by the time I get back Christin will be gone. I wasn't too excited to be working at camp without her, especially since we have both worked at camp together for the past couple years and it will just be really different. At the same time though, I think it might be good and really stretch me out of my comfort zone.
I'm also volunteering as a counselor at Swatara for a week in August and I know that will be stretching. I'm really excited about it because I've never done over night camp before. I'm interested to see how God will use me there to reach out to the camper girls :) I'm really nervous at the same time but I trust that God has some awesome things for me to learn.

I'm really trying to TRUST what God has for my life and not look at the lives of others and want what they have. I know God had some great plans for me and I know I need to trust that what He has will be GOOD. It's something I'm sure God will continue to help me grow in, and I continue to be amazed that what He has planned will be better than what I can even imagine!

3You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.

4So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages]. Isaiah 26:3-4

20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Blessed is He who forgives my sins and gives MORE grace.