I'm dangling...but He's holding me

My "official" full teaching week in 6th grade is complete! It was a very good week and I've been learning so much about teaching and about myself in the process.

This brain of mine has a lot of thoughts swimming around up there. (What else is new?)

Last night Amanda and Kathi and I met for dinner to have a heart to heart time. We used to be in prayer group together last year but this year we don't all get to talk and pray together like we used to. Last time we got together was in November (?) I think... So it had been a while!

I was telling Kathi about where I'm at right now, and how I'm in this "major transition" season in my life, and I just don't know for now where I will end up.

She told me this AWESOME analogy that I'm still meditating on. (She has SO much Godly wisdom, and I admire her SOO so very much!)

She told me that really, for the past four years or so, I've been in this "bubble"... called college. Now though, that's all about to change. I'm moving into a completely new season and it's like I'm a plant needing to be "planted" somewhere else.
God has pulled me up out of this soil (or pot) that I've been in for the past four years and right now it's like I'm just dangling. He is holding me but I don't know where my "roots" will be planted next. She told me about how there is a lot of growing that happens and faith and trust that develops in this period of "dangling".

Boy, is she right! I've felt exactly like that. I know it's time to "move on" to another bigger pot so that I can grow even more, I just don't know where that will be yet or what it will look like. It takes a lot of faith and trust to believe that God will plant me in the perfect place and wherever that is, He will help me to grow even more.

She said something else that I really loved. Something to the effect of "..and if it doesn't feel like the perfect fit, it's a time of preparing you for that time and place that will be the perfect fit." I just loved that.

So here I am, just dangling, and trying to be patient as God leads me where He wants me. :)


I've been thinking lately about how short of time is truly left until I graduate! I realized I don't even have anymore five-day weeks left. Next week, and the following week we have a day off for Easter, and then my last week is over on Thursday. Eeeek! So excitingggg and very crazy to think about.

It feels like such an accomplishment and I just haven't been able to help looking back at my whole college life and thinking how much things have changed. The people in my life have changed, come and gone, relationships have formed and gotten deeper, and I'VE grown so much I can't even believe it. I feel like a different person than I was when I came here as a freshman. God had blown me away time and time again. I have been stretched way beyond my comfort zone and been challenged in ways I couldn't begin to imagine. Even so, I know those times are nothing to the life I still have ahead.

I was planning on doing a "fill in the blank Friday" on this post, but I don't want it to get TOO long so I'll stop there..!

If anyone who reads this is interested in buying a Japan relief coin purse that I've made or has questions EMAIL me! I'm still selling them. :)

I'll end with the thought that I had today of blogging. I just LOVE it. I love reading so many encouraging blogs and stories of other women in Christ. (That's means YOU!) It really fills me up in a way and puts a smile on my face. It's also been an amazing outlet for me and my own awesome record of my "ups and downs"..if you will. :)

Be blessed!!

I need routine..!

I need a routine...in the WORST way.

Don't get me wrong today's snow ICE day, was lovely and wonderful and made me happy to relax...buut at the same time, this weather is messing me all up..! I haven't been to school on a Tuesday YET this semester...ha, can you believe that..? This is crazy!
Routines really make me feel so much better about life...I'm not sure what it is about them. I feel so out of whack though, and sort of home-sick at the moment.

This morning in my time that I set aside for God I had a lot of time to write in my prayer journal.

I've realized lately that I've been hearing this subtle conviction that I'm keeping an idol in my life. The "American Dream".

It's so hard to admit because I know how wrong it is, but I so badly have this desire to be a wife and mommy...more than almost anything else. I want a Godly family of my own. I want to live in a house with my own family and live that "perfect life".

It's not realistic. (the perfect life part...)

That's what I feel like I've been striving after, which is difficult because all I can do really is wait, and pray about those types of things.
Sometimes I feel like when I finally have those things, I'll be content..even though I know that's not true.

I know in my heart of hearts that only God can truly satisfy and that I need Him first and foremost to fill me.

I've also still been thinking about next year and direction for my life. When I feel like I've decided I keep changing my mind...and at this point I still don't know what I want. I would love to stay out here in this area, but at the same time I feel like I wouldn't mind living at home for a year. I just don't know. It's scary though.

After praying this morning my devotion was so great. It reminded me to take things ONE day at a time. I can look at the scary mountain looming ahead and think about that, OR I can look at the path right in front of me and focus on today, trusting God for what will come.

I think I'll pick the latter of the two!

I'll leave you with a song I've been hearing on the radio lately that I like a lot. :)

The un-numbing process...

Warning note: This is very personal for me, and not easy to share. I've been debating actually posting it, but I've decided I might as well... I'm sure in everyones life they go through a period like this at one point or another.

Welp, Christmas has come and gone already! Time flies. Seriously. I'm not okay with it.

So I haven't written in a while...uhh...again.

After my last post I did something really wrong. In response to my HIGH anxiety and fear and whatnot, I just shoved it deep down and haven't thought about it for, well...a couple weeks..(?) Yeah. Bad stuff.
I made myself completely numb to everything. It's amazing how that can happen but I totally did it.
Some of the stuff I was/am dealing with in this brain of mine just feels like too much to handle. Reality is, it's really tough to face our hearts sometimes, and I just didn't want to anymore.

Over these past couple of weeks I've gotten REALLY good at "going through the motions". For the first time since I've come to know God, I chose to deliberately ignore Him, and just not even deal with stuff.

In a way I guess it was because I felt like God doesn't care about my circumstance, my constant struggle with the same fears and worries, because it's always there. So I decided I wouldn't care...

Let me just tell you, it was a BAD move. (Obviously) And I DO CARE! It's been so tough to just go through my days without talking to God at all.

You might think...how could you even do that?, but..the more time that passes, the easier it was to "stay away" and the harder it felt to "come back". I've wanted to, for what feels like a long time (this is all in just a two week span) but it just hasn't happened, mainly because I knew there was so much stuff I needed to deal with. I've MISSED God. What kind of person am I to ignore the God I love so much..?

It doesn't make any sense.

It's been so hard to let go of my control, or the illusion of it. Things are sorting themselves out for next year and it's so not easy to let God have the reigns. (But I AM giving them over gladly!) He's reminded me that I don't need to do anything but give Him my all, and the rest will just reveal itself in time. (HIS perfect time)

There is SO much more comfort in knowing that God has control of my future and I can rest and let Him lead me! Especially since He is the one who knows the way.Everything is so much scarier when I'm looking at situations through my own limited perspective. Through God's "lens" though everything is fine, and I know it will be OKAY.

Tonight, I was able to really "come back" to God again. I let everything out, and it felt soo very nice. :) There is SO much I have to be thankful for. I'm so blessed.
The number one thing being that God sent His son Jesus as the perfect gift to give me LIFE! He shines the way and illuminates every darkness, not only in my life, but throughout eternity!

That's GOOD stuff!

In good hands

I came home for the weekend and it's been so nice to relax and be lazy:) I don't have TOO much work so it's been so nice to just enjoy being home.

God's peace is completely amazing. There is nothing like it.

Last night I was dealing with some intense anxiety about the future again. (..story of my lifeee right now) This time was different though. Usually when I worry about the future it relates in some way to my biggest fear of being alone. For the first time though, my worries were completely about money.

I've thought about the whole money thing before, but only in a passing thought,last night though it became SO much more real. I was talking to my parents about it and how I want to ideally live out by my school after graduation. Then we were talking about the possibility of where I could get a job and such. We also were talking about subbing. (In my mind I will most likely end up subbing) Then there is the whole question of will I be able to support myself on a simple sub salary? We're talking maybe $100 a day, which isn't too bad a month IF I even would get a job everyday. I really want to stay out by school but if I choose to I'll more than likely be supporting myself.
(Yes..right now I am lucky enough to have my parents supporting me in almost every area financially, and believe me, I do NOT take that for granted!) But next year that will probably change. It would be good if I had a REAL job, so that there wouldn't be a question of whether I could live out there, but alas I don't know what will happen. (obviously..)

So..all this had my head spinning in a MAJOR way last night. I was trying to figure out things that I just CAN'T know until the time comes. (ex. will I find a job? How much will I make? WHERE will I look for a job? etc..) It's scary not knowing, but God will lead me all the way and allow me to know what I need to know when the time comes.

God is also MORE than capable of blessing me with a permanent teaching position, even in these hard times. I don't want to get my hopes up because I know how tough it is but it can and DOES happen. I don't in any way want to put God in a box and plan for the worst. (WHY do I do that??)

Anyway- I have much more of a peace about it right now. I've been praying these concerns and anxieties into God's hands and I know He will guide me in His perfect timing. No matter where I end up, or how things are going, God will be with me.
I heard this quote this week and I think it's perfect (I'm not sure who said it)

"I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds it"

It's such a comfort to remember that God is the one in charge.

Tonight I was also thinking about babies and how we're God's children.

I was thinking about little Benjamin Bowman who entered the world on this past Thursday November 4th, (CONGRATS KYLEE!!!!) and how much God loves him and planned him. Benjamin is just a little baby, he just recently took his first breaths but already God knows his whole life. He knows what paths Benjamin will take and everything that will happen in his life. As I was thinking about this God really helped me to see that I was that baby too. I was fresh and new at one point in my life and I had everything before me that hadn't happened yet. I'm still on my journey and even though I'm obviously older and able to think, it doesn't mean God is in any less control of my life. He still knows the paths I have yet to take. He knew everything that would happen in my 21 years of life and knows what is to come. He KNOWS where I will be next year and He will be WITH me. No matter what is happening in my life, whether I feel it is good or bad, God will be there to turn to and lean on.

Amen! What a comfort. I'm so thankful.

Grip of fear

Well, Happy Halloween.
In honor of Halloween Pastor Duane preached his sermon this morning on fear and faith.

It could not have come at a more perfect time.

I've really been swimming in fear lately, or rather drowning in it..I should say.
Fear and Satan's lies has such a grip on my heart. This whole month of October has just been a C R A Z Y one. I've had so many ups and downs and I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster.

I'm just exhausted.

Spiritually and emotionally.

It it so draining trying to fight off the voice of the enemy in my life. I just need to run straight into God's arms and rest in Him. In His comfort and His peace, and His truth.

Sometimes Satan's voice is so loud, it's hard to know what the truth is.

Pastor Duane talked about a lot of things this morning that I want to highlight but one thing that stuck out was the word foothold. It's a weakness in our life that Satan THRIVES off of. There is one specific weakness, fear, that I constantly come back to and Satan loves to make me tremble in fear about it.

Here are some of the sermon notes I took:
-Faith is belief in what God has said. Fear is false evidence appearing real.
-Whether something is true or not, it appears true because it is believed
-It is possible to walk in faith but experience fear at the same time
-When we walk in TRUTH we are set free from fear and anxiety


"There is no fear in love[dread does not exist], but full grown love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror..." 1John 4:18

This verse has been a comfort to me..
"For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]."
Ephesians 2:10
How awesome?
It really jumped out at me how many ways planned can be said and are said in this passage..(this is the amplified version mind you)

1. Predestined
2. Planned beforehand
3. Prepared ahead of time
4. Prearranged

WOW! It was like God was shouting at me through this verse Friday morning. God has my life, I have NO reason whatsoever to worry about it. But, so why do I then?

The other passage that really helped with my struggle against those sins like I talked about, and God's disappointment is in Hebrews 12:3-11

3Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.

4You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood.

5And have you [completely] forgotten the divine word of appeal and encouragement in which you are reasoned with and addressed as sons? My son, do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved or corrected by Him;

6For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.

7You must submit to and endure [correction] for discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not [thus] train and correct and discipline?

8Now if you are exempt from correction and left without discipline in which all [of God's children] share, then you are illegitimate offspring and not true sons [at all].(B)

9Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we yielded [to them] and respected [them for training us]. Shall we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and so [truly] live?

10For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but He disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in His own holiness.

11For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God].

When I stop trying to create a life for myself...

"When I stop trying to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me".


I saw this quote the other day and I really love it. I've been thinking about it a lot today and meditating on it.

This post might end up seeming pretty personal, but I always try to be as real as possible.

This weekend both of my roommates went home. When I realized on Friday that they would BOTH in fact be going home I was not a happy camper. I don't mean to sound repetitive but I truly don't mind alone time, for some reason though I felt really panicked.

If there is one thing I will avoid like the plague it's being home alone for long periods of time. I just hate the feeling I get and I just plain don't like it. I've been in this similar position before I guess when I've been alone for awhile and I guess the best way to say it plain and simple is that I get really depressed.

Now that I've been through times like that I guess I try to avoid them because I get scared when I might feel badly like that again.

With all that said and done..(sheesh) this weekend turned out to be a really good one. I got to spend some time with friends Friday and Saturday and it was really great. I was so relieved to not be by myself all weekend.

And well, all that I just said is pretty much my greatest fear in life and for the future.

All my worries always stem back to my fear of being alone.

I can remember specifically sophmore year being terrified that I wouldn't have anyone to live with my senior year. My SOPHMORE year!!! I'm pretty sure I was also scared that I wouldn't have any friends my senior year either...

Like really?! Why do I this??

I was looking TWO years ahead. And I was convinced that my life senior year would be horrible.

I'm really so glad that I can remember those feelings so clearly because now I can think back and see how God works, and that I CAN trust Him.

But anyyyway...back to the quote.

"When I stop trying to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me."

There are so many choices that I feel will need to be made by the end of this year. I'm so excited for student teaching and BEYOND excited to get out and actually be a teacher. I'm SO GLAD that I'm at this point in my life where I'll be a college graduate qualified to have my OWN classroom!

I can't wait, but at the same time, it really scares me that I don't know where I will be going, what I'll be doing, or who I'll be with.

Sometimes I try to think about it, and it's exciting but now it'll be reality (really soon) and I'll actually need to decide.. and well I just don't know what I should do. (not that I NEED to decide RIGHT now, as much as I may convince myself)I know what I would plan for myself if I were the one callin' the shots... but I'm NOT. I think about the way I want things to go but God is the one who allows for my life to be shaped the way it is. He is the one directing my path (and I WANT Him directing it, not me.)

I want the life God is creating for me, not the one I'm trying to create out of pure self-reliance and control.

It's so awesome that when I stop creating my own life, that's when I can lean on God to work out HIS plan in me and through me.

I really need some direction for my life.

I love that I can see how these things apply even through my years in college. SO many things happened that I would never have been able to guess or even want to happen. They weren't how I would have planned it, but God worked them all out and they were GOOD! Even if I'm confused with the direction my life will go in now, I know that God will do things I could have never imagined and they'll be better that the plans I would plan for myself.


9A man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure. Proverbs 16:9

14For He is [Himself] our peace (our bond of unity and harmony). Ephesians 2:14

17The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior [Who saves]! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest [in silent satisfaction] and in His love He will be silent and make no mention [of past sins, or even recall them]; He will exult over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17