Feeling defeated

I'm feeling pretty frustrated right now.

I can't even put it to words exactly but I feel like I'm a bad person, and student teacher or something for not making it to school these past couple of days. :(

Yesterday was completely out of my control, my car broke, there wasn't anything I could do about that.

I ended up not going in today either because of the snow.
In case you're asking yourself...the answer is No, my school was not closed this morning during out flippin "WINTER STORM watch"...it was OPEN.

I tried my best to suck up my nerves and leave the house anyway, despite my best judgement.
I cleared my car and shoveled off the driveway. I then went back in the house to put on my nice clothes for school and by the time I came back out, my windows were basically covered again because the snow was really coming down.
The roads were really awful. The radio person kept saying "the roads are treacherous".
I tried not to think about how bad they were, but every time I tried to break I was sliding, which might not bother some but it SCARES the heck out of me not to have control of my car.
My school is 45-50 minutes away on a normal day, and some of the roads are farm ones, and highways. I was literally crying at the thought of driving all the way out there when I didn't even feel comfortable driving in Millersville. I called my mom, and as stupid as I feel admitting this, I was crying on the phone with her because of how stupid I felt the situation was. WHY am I risking getting in an accident, (which I'm certain I would have) just to get to school, have them dismiss early and have to drive back??

I called my supervisor, and she said to talk to my coop about it. I then set out to drive back home. It was SO bad. I was scared for my life. The roads were covered, and everyone was sliding. The worst part was that I felt like I was hyperventilating and I was getting some panic attack feelings in my hands/arms. :( It was NO fun.

ANYWAY, I didn't make it school.

I feel so defeated almost.

I felt GOOD earlier, that I made it home, and that I was safe and didn't need to drive...buuut I'm starting to feel kind of judged..? Almost like certain people think I just didn't even try, or like I didn't WANT to go. But honestly I was concerned for my safety...honest to goodness.

I feel like a horrible person and like the worst student teacher ever right now. :(

It's not a good feeling.

There were certain things I was supposed to observe that I didn't get to, and certain things I was supposed to teach, but I couldn't.

I feel like a failure.

=/

Day 2

So I'm sitting here thinking about what I should I do.. Take a nap..? That sounds good! Eat dinner..? hmm yeah maybe... wait! I guess I should blog.. *sigh*

=) That was my thought process just now.

So day TWO of student teacher was completed today. I'm rollin' now! ;)

It's been a GREAT start. I am in utter, and complete awe of God and what He is doing in my life right now. I have had no attacks of any kind while in 1st grade and it's been such a major blessing!!
It was kind of ironic because last night at caregroup I shared about my taking medication and what a struggle it was, and how blessed I've been not to have any side effects. And then of course, last night (or early this morning rather, around 4am) I woke up having a panic attack. Not nearly as bad as the really scary one from before, but a little weird none the less. I felt the weird heat thing flaring up a bit, and my heart started to race a little, but I called out to God and He helped me to remain as calm as possible in the midst of it. I started to feel really weird tension in my muscles and like I couldn't relax them, and just the need to move my legs. It was WEIRD. Thankfully it didn't last too long and I was able to relax a bit until 6am when my alarm went off. I WAS feeling pretty nervous though to go to school. It was the first time to really have those feelings since I started my new medicine and I didn't want anything to happen at school. I texted one of my bffs and she reminded me to trust God, and just let go of my control of the situation. It was a WONDERFUL reminder and I totally was like "God, you're right, and I give you the control, it's yours" at that, I felt SUCH a peace like none other. I knew that no matter what happened God was on my side and He would take care of me.

This day ended up going SO WELL! It was such a good day. I felt much less awkward around other staff and people, and more comfortable with the kiddos.

I'm also pretty stoked about this snow coming our way tonight! (fingers crossed for at least a 2-hr delay:))

I over heard one little girl today telling my teacher "I'm glad Miss Shaffer is here with us.." and my teacher said "yeah me too" =)

I'm glad to be there with them, here in this moment God has called me to!!

No Sweeter Name

I have to start out by saying this past week was, by far, the longest week of my entire life. (was it really only LAST weekend that I was in Lancaster for New Years?! It seems like an eternity!!)

I've been through so much this week. I've been more scared than I've ever been in my life, but God has been TOTALLY 100 percent faithful and right by my side!

I started my medication last Sunday, took it for three days and then realized it was not reacting well with my body. I ended up taking it for only three days. The first two days were fine, basically no major side effects besides a little dizziness, and nausea, but not bad at all. I took a trip to school on that third day not thinking anything of it. I was with a bunch of friends who I know but who I don't normally hang out with to see Shane Claiborne speak. (no big deal...) Well it turns out I got some really, REALLY bad, scary panic attacks while there. Worse than ever before. It's so difficult to put into words for people who haven't ever experienced it. Basically I felt like passing out, and like I would throw up...and then I felt intense heat, all over my body like I was on fire. I was so scared. I got home later that night and felt better. I talked to a good friend who reassured me that those feelings were coming from the meds because my body was adjusting.

That night I was able to fall asleep but I woke up suddenly at 3am and felt REALLY weird. I just felt terrified and scared for no reason. My heart was going a little faster and then I got really scared.. I had another really bad panic episode but worse than that night. My heart was racing, my whole body was on fire, and I felt that same passing out/nauseous feeling. I was so scared because I was in the house by myself at school, an hour and a half from home. It was intense and it took a few minutes to pass. I felt like I was dying! I almost called 911, I didn't know what to do..but then it finally subsided.

That morning I called my doctors office and told them I didn't want to keeping taking these meds, and they told me to stop with that one and my doctor prescribed this other medication called Celexa.
I gave myself a few days before starting the new one to let the Zoloft leave my system a bit. Let me just tell you, it was like nothing I've ever experienced. By God's amazing help I was able to drive myself home that next day, but it wasn't easy. I still felt so anxious and jittery. That night I can't even explain how I felt. Just scared beyond belief and not like myself at all. I guess I could describe it as a feeling like something is very wrong that would make me nervous when in reality everything's okay. I know it was because of the medicine though..and because I hadn't taken it that day.

So far, so good with this new medicine. It's a lower dose and it also doesn't have the same half life of zoloft if I were to stop it.

Like I said though, there is no way I could do this without God! He has been so completely amazing and with me every step of the way. He's shown me verses in the Bible that have brought so much comfort, and also just brought scripture to mind when I felt afraid. He's given me a few little signs that make me smile and remind me that He's with me and still holding me. I'm SO thankful for what He's doing.

Here's one of the verses He showed me:
"My Father...is greater and mightier than all else; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." John 10:29

God reminded me through this that He is BIGGER and MIGHTIER than all of this!
He is MIGHTIER than my fear. He is mightier than my anxiety. He is mightier than this medicine. He is mightier than my doctor. Mightier than my side effects... Mightier than the panic attacks.. Mightier than ALL ELSE!!! And He will help me through it, because He is bigger and stronger than anything I'm going through or feeling, even in this situation. :) It makes my heart so happy!

Another few verses that really helped me were from Isaiah 43. It was AWESOME because the night I spent at home after the really scary night, I still kept waking up and feeling afraid, but I started to pray and instantly these verses just came to my mind. (From God!)
"Fear not, I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned.."

It was AMAZING!! I felt such a calm come over me just knowing that God was with me through this rough time.

I'm just so, so incredibly thankful. I know God is guiding me. Maybe there was a reason (I'm sure there is..) why I had to go through that, and why I'm still going through it. All I know is that I'm trusting God and fully leaning on Him in this. (and everything!) It's amazing how He comes through in our weaknesses!

I listened to the song Never Alone this morning by Jim Brickman and the lyrics really comforted me. :)

Here is the chorus from it:

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone