Idols...kind of

I've been reading a TON this summer.

I'm not sure how much I've actually mentioned it on my blog, but I LOVE to read. I've been averaging one book a week...which is a lot for me these days, considering work and everything.

I just finished the first book in the Hunger Games series. The plot of the story is kind of gory and brutal but I couldn't stop reading it. It was very well written.

Besides that, I'm feeling the need to blog right now about something that's leaning on the personal side.

I checked out the "She Seeks" website tonight again on a whim (I really don't check it too often) and it was about friendships and how they can "be imbalanced."

It talked about how, often, women make their friendships too important or not important enough.

Something God has really been gently walking me through all summer (and early spring) is that I tend to form an "unhealthy attachment" to some of my friends.

By unhealthy I mean that I can very easily place my friends as a "god" in my life, that is above everything else.

I realllyy highly value my friendships and it's a big weakness on my part. I let my trust fall more on people sometimes than on God. He needs to be at the highest place in my life and when He's not the highest...my "thing" that takes the place reserved for Him is friends.

Everyone has something that they struggle to not idolize (I mean, they do right..? right?) I'm realizing that friends/relationships are mine. I really truly struggle with it and I'm praying that God will help me to create a healthy balance.

People can't be trusted above all. Only God can. When I put a person in such a "high" place, they will and inevitably DO let me down in some type of way, because they're human. The person YOU love the most in the life will let you down.

God will never, ever, ever, EVER let me down or fail me. He will never change or leave me.

What do you struggle for as an idol in your life?

Whatever it is, pray that God will ultimately be at the highest point. When you can truly grasp and believe that God is everything you need there is really nothing else that compares!

God speaks through dreams too

This past week (last week..I should say) were j-block midterms. They were sort of brutal. We had classes on Monday and Tuesday and then 2 midterms each on Wednesday and Thursday. They were really tough, and I DID study like crazy. I studied all afternoon Tuesday and literally ALL day Wednesday, bleh. I'm so glad they're over...but at the same time nervous about the grades.

I feel like I've been on one of those "up-swings" for a while until recently. =/ I don't know what happened but it always happens I guess. Last week wasn't fun because of those tests and my cold, and right now it's fall BREAK even though it should be called anything but that. It doesn't feel like a break with all the work I've been doing today.

I feel like I've been overly distracted by other things in my life weighing on me and I haven't been coming to God enough. I just want to relax, but I'm so stressed out. :( Today a UCF newsletter was in my inbox and Kathi had written something that I can SO relate to today. That I'm distracted by life and failing to give God the attention that He SO deserves. She said it's all about Him and we tend to forget it amongst the things going on in our lives.

Lately this deep fear I have of being alone in life has been building and building and when I got home on Saturday night I felt the worst I've felt in a really long time. I HATE feelings of self-pity but I felt so worthless. Or like something MUST be wrong with me. If this doesn't make sense, put it in this context: I was at a bridal shower where allll of my friends were either married or getting married, and then I look at my own life and I'm nowhere near it right now. I know, I know, it's all well and good, I'm 21 years old, I have plenty of time, God knows... but I still broke down and I felt like crap.

This is going to sound so wrong but sometimes I feel mad at God for it. It tears me apart that I have to have such a strong desire for marriage, and a family of my own just to wait and wait....and wait some more, and meanwhile watch all of my friends (okay most of my friends) start dating, or getting engaged and married. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one or like God's forgotten about me, or just doesn't care about me. I just feel like "what about me God?"

Now let me just say a few things for the record..
1. This is so extremely personal and I'm really putting myself "out there" posting this sort of thing on my blog.
2. I know with my whole heart that this is entirely selfish.
3. I also know with my whole heart that God DOES have a plan for me. Most of the time I can trust God's plan and I'm even excited about it, but
sometimes I also think Satan really gets to me about this great fear. There are times when it all feels so frustrating and I just don't get it at all.

I understand the waiting part but it almost feels like a joke that everyone(okay again, seemingly everyone) around me has what I so badly want for myself.

So that said, Saturday night, NO good. I was a mess.

I went to sleep pretty early because I felt so drained. Here's where the dreams part from my title comes in...

I dreamed about a big ocean and water like ALL night. At least the dreams I can remember. I rarely look up meanings for dreams that I have...and when I say rarely I mean close to never have I done it before. But these dreams so effected me that I looked them up on my computer before church on Sunday.

In one of the dreams I was in a pretty calm ocean (water EVERYWHERE) and my friends were there too. They were floating in the back, but I kept diving and coming back up and bobbing all over the place. They were watching me wondering what on earth I was doing.

The other couple dreams were all about BIG waves. I mean these things were tsunamis. This time I had a house (or at least a room in a house) and me and the couple friends in my dream kept getting warnings about these torrential waters coming, more than warnings though we sort of just knew they were coming. (it was a dream okay ha) It was so scary, I could see the HUGE wall of water and I knew it would crash down on me and in my dream I was trying to figure out how to protect myself. I went under as the wave came (sort of like I do in the ocean in real life to not get pummeled heh) and it still had me tossed a lot. For parts of the dream I was just in this rough sea, being tossed by all these ginormous waves. Then I went to my house/room and it was completely destroyed. At one point I think it even caught fire.. ? Go figure. I sort of remember trying to rebuild it too.

Anyway-I woke up and I was like whoa...I need to look up the meaning for big waves.

This is what I found:
Waves
The waves in dreams may represent emotional fluctuations. If you are currently experiencing a period of tranquillity and peace, you may be dreaming about calm waters and gentle ocean waves. This dream suggests that you may be gathering energy and recharging emotionally. However, more commonly people dream of violent and dangerous tidal waves. Tidal waves or tsunamis suggest a period of emotional upheaval. Anxiety, stress, and unconscious materials may be coming to the surface and affecting your daily moods. Giant tidal waves may symbolize current emotional unhappiness and psychological stress, which are threatening to destroy you. The outcome of this dream may reveal how much strength you have to "ride out" personal storms. For example, surviving the tidal wave suggests that you have enough strength to overcome challenges and drowning that you may be "in it over your head" and should seek assistance.

Water
Water is a very common but powerful dream symbol. Its meaning varies with the details and the mood of the dream. Water is a deeply spiritual symbol representing the "water of life" or the "flow of life." Large bodies of water usually represent our unconscious minds or/and soul experiences. Water symbolizes emotions (rough, smooth, clear, murky, etc.)

First of all, howw CRAZY is that?! I definitely felt anxiety, stress, and emotional "upheaval" that night.. It's amazing that the brain can turn emotions into things like THAT. The thing that really struck me the most about the interpretations was the part that says water is "deeply spiritual"....um. okay. wow.

The CRAZIEST part of all is that I left for church, and the sermon yesterday was ALL about WATER AND WAVES!!!!!

I. could. not. comprehend. it.

I still haven't.

I'm convinced that God was speaking to me. I've heard that He speaks through dreams and just the fact of that sermon on that morning, when I had already looked it up on my computer before church!... AHHH!!!

Now okay, the sermon covered more than just waves.. but that's obviously the part that stuck out most to me.
The main scripture for the morning was psalm 93.

The parts that stuck out for me were:

3The floods have lifted up, O Lord, the floods have lifted up their voice; the floods lift up the roaring of their waves.
4The Lord on high is mightier and more glorious than the noise of many waters, yes, than the mighty breakers and waves of the sea.
5Your testimonies are very sure; holiness [apparent in separation from sin, with simple trust and hearty obedience] is becoming to Your house, O Lord, forever.

wow. I wish I could get a recording of that sermon because I feel like I might have missed something or forgotten some already.

Here are the notes I wrote down straight from the pastor's mouth:
-Water represents God and His plan.
-Wind, and water represent evil standing in the way of God. The God of the UNIVERSE is MORE powerful than these waters.
-Sea represents evil, wickedness, suffering, death
-The Father keeps His promises, He calms the sea, He wipes away the tears from our eyes
-Our God is mightier, He has the power to calm the waters.
-He is MIGHTIER than the crashing of the sea
-Our God comforts us

It might seem a bit repetitive but that's only because he was really driving these same points home.
He also discussed Rev 21.. it's one of my favorite passages from revelation. He talked about how in verse 1 it says the former earth, and sky passed away and there was no longer any SEA. It was awesome how it all clicked. There wasn't a sea because it represents suffering, and death.

Mark 4:35- was also included. It's when Jesus calms the storm. :) The wind and the waves are crashing into the boat, and the disciples are scared. They doubt that Jesus cares about them and Jesus says "Why are you so afraid, have you still no faith?"

What a comfort and peace God brought to my heart through this. I'm still SO AMAZED even just reading through this. That is no coincidence, that's God. The fact that He would even still WANT to reassure me and comfort me when I'm in one of my most selfish states is appalling.

I could write so much more about this but I don't want it to be too much longer.

I've learned that when you "step off" the ride with Jesus, (when you aren't walking as closely with Him), look out, because you are leaving yourself open for spiritual attack, and that's exactly what's been happening to me I feel. Thank goodness Jesus always pulls me back.

Eat Pray Love...

Time goes SO fast, seriously. ..it's a little scary actually. My pre-k seminar class is officially over and I could not be happier. What a relief that's done.
I'm thinking of this week as my r e l a x week before everything starts getting busy again. I quite enjoyed it (it's basically over now...hah), I still have today though and I will enjoy every minute! Next week my summer 2 class starts, Political Communication (online). I'm really excited about it let me tell you... I tried to go on blackboard desire to learn, to see what work this week might bring, or maybe to get a head start or something, but nope, nothings up there..guess I'll find out soon enough..

Christin is now gone. After being in Florida for a few days she left yesterday to fly to Atlanta, GA...and then to Accra and then to Lome. Sooo Christin, I'm not really sure where the heck you are right now. I tried to figure it out but the time change thing makes it pretty difficult. I think you may be flying to Lome now..? or you could still be in Accra...hah..who knows really.
ANYWAY, I miss you already =/

This weekend is "training" at Carson Simpson. I'm excited to see who all will be back this summer and what the staff will be like this year. I'm also really excited just to spend some time at home. :) I'm definitely still a homebody, can't deny that one.

Right now feels like another transition time. It's nice because I actually had a little space to breathe in b/t class and work but it also just feels weird. I was SO tired last night but I couldn't fall asleep forever because my mind just wouldn't stop. I hate that.

Last week or so ago I got this book called Eat Pray Love and I've been trying to read it. Key word, trying. I can read things pretty quickly usually, especially when I have nothing else going on really (like this week) but I'm only about a quarter of the way in.
Now the title kind of sounds nice, Eat Pray Love...is that some sort of nice Christian book? you might ask yourself..well no. It's not. Like, at. all.

I'm actually sorely disappointed by it. Most people have probably heard about it..I had heard of it but I didn't really know anything about it. It's a biography about a woman who divorces her husband and then travels to Italy, Indonesia and India to "find God". The views are very "middle eastern". In the very beginning of the book this woman says that she is a "Christian" but then quickly tacks on that she really isn't because she has a hard time believing there is only one way to heaven through Jesus. Okay, I know this is where a lot of Americans today stand...but I still had a hard time reading that part in the book and it had me kind of confused and a little frustrated? okay, a lot frustrated. This woman has it ALL backwards! She's all about finding God on this traveling journey, but it sounds to me like she wants the "best of both worlds". At one point she says that she wants to find the balance between God and the spiritual but also to be able to enjoy all the "good" things in life. ?! She is conforming God to HER life, to what SHE wants Him to be and not who He really is. She also calls God an "experience of supreme love"...but I just don't get it. How can anyone say that God is all love without Jesus? Whyyy would you think God can love you, or even want you without that? You can't just take out the part you don't like. bah! I don't mean to sound harsh but it just really frustrates me that people can think like that. Honestly reading the book makes me really sad for this woman. She doesn't get it. She can't see the truth.

It also makes me really uncomfortable that this book is a #1 New York Times Bestseller. SO many people are reading this book and she is totally portraying God in the worst way. People probably don't need to be reassured of the fact that they can conform God to whatever. Because it's NOT true people! She really sends out the message that God can be whatever you want Him to be but I think that is just so backwards.

I was talking about this with Kylee today and it really occurred to me for the first time that this is how a lot of Americans view God today. The fact that this book is what's selling and what people are reading is scary stuff.
As we were talking, for the first time I thought about how Christians are and probably will be persecuted for the fact that we only believe there's one way to heaven, and a lot of people don't like that and think it's wrong..
It's just crazy to think about, but I could go on and on and I should stop now..ha. Let me know your thoughts..



Besides that whole book business, the past couple days I've been realizing part of the reason I still can't seem to feel closer to God lately.
At caregroup we were were talking about distractions and idols and things of that nature and I felt like I wasn't doing anything right.
We were talking about being distracted and I'm instantly thinking about how often I am distracted and doing things that don't involve much of God, and I feel like it's a lot. So then I felt like...well God must be SO disappointed with me, and this is bad because now God really doesn't want me to come to Him.. Ugh. I feel like lately I've been thinking all the wrong things, and having all the wrong attitudes and I've been so disappointed with myself. I feel like I need to get my act together so that I can hear God or spend time with Him. Now I'm having sort of a revelation that God doesn't WANT me to fix myself to come to Him, He wants me to come in my broken state, in my weakness. I hate my weaknesses and I guess I'm really just ashamed so I don't want to bring it to God. This stuff seems really obvious but it's the first time that what my brain is really connecting with my heart..ya know? I've never actually felt what that stuff really means, until now.

It's such a relief that I CAN bring those things to God and He will help me to fix them. Not only does He help but He WANTS to help, He delights in it!

Imagine that.

"Through Him also we have [our] access by faith into this grace in which we [firmly and safely] stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God." Romans 5:2
.."Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. While we were yet in weakness [powerless to help ourselves], at the fitting time Christ died for the ungodly." Rom 5:5-6