A jumble of thoughts and Phil 1:21

Hey Y'all!

Sorry I've been so MIA. Posting in the summer this year is a lot harder then I ever thought it would be.

This past week was verrrry busy. No down time at. all.

This was basically my schedule:

-Camp

-Home for an hour to eat and shower (no rhyme intended haha)

-VBS all night

-Bed at 9:30 because I was so tired.

-Repeat until Friday.

Whew!

It wore, me, out. I'm telling you.

At VBS I was in the preschool room with about 15-20 little tiny kiddos. They were sooo cute though. Most of them were really sweet too. Those few hours were usually filled with lap sitting, back rubbing, swing pushing and tickling. :) I love, love, that age. The kids were mostly 3 and 4 I think. Some 2 years though.

Oh yeah, I also worked my new job at Kids Park on Monday night. They are a newly started business so not many kids have been there.

I worked today as well and there were more than they've ever had when I was there. (seven kids)

I wasn't going to say this, buuut. I just can't contain my excitement about it...

I ordered some business cards for Kari Rachel Photography. :) I'm super pumped about it.

More people are liking my facebook page and some people who I don't even know! I'm excited about it and so glad that it's so fun for me. and also that I can use it to make other people happy.

Ever since last week's Bible study on Wednesday I've been pondering about whether or not we got to Heaven or Hell RIGHT when we die. Of course I have always thought so...it's what everyone always says... and we were trying to find the verses in the Bible that say specifically supporting that right when we die we will go to heaven.

I couldn't find one! It was frustrating. I'm sure that we will go to heaven in the last day when Jesus comes back, (there are a lot of verses supporting that) but I couldn't find much else.

It was kind of bothering me.

After talking with several people and investigating some verses I found a comforting one.

²¹ For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. ²² If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! ²³ I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; ²⁴ but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.phil 1:21-24

Paul is clearly saying here that when he dies it will be a GAIN because he will be with Jesus.

My study Bible notes say: "Either alternative was a good one. While mysteries remain, this passage clearly teaches that when believers die, they are with Christ, apart from the body."

We were basically trying to disprove the idea that when people die there is a "resting"....and that they go to Heaven later.... and I think this verse disproves it . :)

What do you think?

God's always loved you.

" Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the EVERLASTING God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired and weary and His understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah 40:28

This was camp's memory verse this past week. It's one of my favorites!

Yesterday I was watching a video testimony from the website "wonderfully made" and the girl speaking shared a quote. She said "There has never been a moment when God hasn't loved you".
That really hit me. It's way comforting.

Never.

Ever.

The times when I decided I didn't "need" God, or the days when I was doubting, the times when I didn't acknowledge God's presence at all...He still. loved. me. He has always loved me and He really always will.
I'm so thankful that God is a loving God.

This week I went to a Bible study led by some friends for the summer and really enjoyed it. They are studying John because it is meant to be geared towards "seekers" or people who are newer in the faith. No one like that came though...ha. but it was still good. It was very refreshing to talk about the word with other people and discuss what the verses meant for each of us.

Lately I'm really loving Bible stories. For what seems like forever I didn't enjoy reading the Old Testament. Lately though, I'm really interested in those stories and hearing them and also applying them to my life.
I've been reading Ezra...

No Job prospects. I'm starting to accept the idea that I will have to sub for a year or so to make connections before I can get a job.

The theme this summer at CSF is about other countries that are persecuted. It's been awesome because every week I'm reminded about how blessed I am to live here in America. Sometimes I don't understand why we live in such abundance here and then there are countries that have close to nothing.... it's so hard to grasp. I've been reminded to pray for them though and to be grateful for what I have.

This Thursday I'm finally starting my training for that new evening job I mentioned before.
I'm also being the arts and crafts person this week instead of a counselor to fill in for Christin. She's going on vacation.
Should be an interesting week.

Lately I've also been reminded in a lot of ways, (kind of like I said last week) that this life is SO much more then what I tend to want to make it. It's not about me, or you, or anyone else but God and salvation.
It's the greatest gift in the history of the world, and it's really all that matters. :)

What a joy!

Wishing everyone a nice Fourth of July!

(Ps. I don't mean to keep changing my blog look, but I can't seem to find any I reallyyy like.)

Also, here are some pictures from camp this week!


We had our 4th of July parade! I'm a nerd and JJ is Thing 1




Me and one of my "nerdy" campers ;)

Busy bee

Hey there friends...:)

I feel really guilty for not posting in my blog very frequently at all lately...
gahh!

I just got back from a lovely week at the beach with the 'rents. :) It was pretty lovely and verrrry relaxing. It was a nice time to be away before the madness of camp starts.

speaking of...CAMP starts next week! As in MONDAY the 20th!
I am really, very excited. :) I love camp.

I also don't think I ever mentioned on here...

but, I got another part time JOB for the summer!!! :)
It's called kids park and it's a really neat place where parents can drop their kids off to be "watched" if they have something to do. (doctors appointments, jury duty...etc) So I'll be working there during the evenings and weekends, starting shortly. Should be interesting... and BUSY.

I'll try to blog more! This is not a good habit I'm getting myself into!

God is greater than the greatest of sunsets

Today was the last day of camp.

It's bitter sweet I guess but I'm more sad then anything.

I c a n n o t believe it's over already. I feel like I was just up at night thinking about training weekend and now it's all done. The whole summer happened already. How does that happen?

I wrote a bunch of posts at the beginning of the summer about how different this summer was going to be. I was dreading the change-like quality of it weeks before my classes were over. I thought about and anticipated every little thing that would be different.

And you know what?

It WAS different. It was very different.

but....it wasn't bad.

What?? It was different but it WASN'T bad..!

Let this be a lesson for myself.

This was the best summer I've had yet at Carson Simpson, out of the other couple years I've worked there. The staff was SO great this year. It really felt like everyone was a team and we worked so well together. It was so fun to watch everyone day after day, encourage each other, and be silly but still get things done at the same time.

It was harder to leave this year because unlike the other years, I'm not entirely sure I'll be back next year.
I'm so amazed at how God worked this year at camp and I'm praising Him for working through it all.

I went on a walk tonight and it was really nice. (more about the walk later)I realized that this year, almost more than any other year, I really don't want to leave home and go back to school. I think, more than anything, this is because I know it's my last year, and I know when it starts it'll F L Y by. So if it never starts...it can never end! eh? (soo...in that logic, I don't want it to start at all. Ever. )
because like I already talked about in my other posts...I'm scared for the big life change that comes after college.


BUT, back to my walk.

I don't know why but I really felt like going for a walk, so I walked up to the park. I didn't really think about it before I left, but it just so happens that I started walking around sunset time. (My favorite!)

It was such a refreshing walk. I had some good think-time, good God-time, not to mention some exercise=)
It was exactly what I needed.
I love the way the summer air smells, and the green grass, and the quietness of a walk by yourself.
After I got to the park I found a big rock to sit on and I started to watch the sunset. It was GORGEOUS. Sunsets take my breath away every time. And to think, this is just one small piece of God and His greatness. He is so much greater than the greatest of sunsets!


I got to thinking about how sunsets are like God in a couple of different ways.

When I was walking to the park I was walking in the direction of the sunset. It was so nice because I could walk forward and I was able to gaze at the amazing beauty directly in front of me. I could see it the whole way to the park.

Eventually I got to a point where I wanted to turn around and start walking back the other way.
It was then that I realized the other way just wasn't as good, or beautiful/refreshing, because I could no longer see the sun. It was behind me. I was walking away from it in the other direction. Simply put, the walk was so much better going the other way! It hit me that this is just like God. When we walk towards Him, having Him in full view, it makes the "walk" so much better. When we have our backs to God or we can't see Him anymore things just aren't as good. If we aren't standing in awe of God, what are we doing? What else are we walking towards if not Him?

So as I started walking back I kept taking glances behind me so that I could see the sunset more. This is when I realized, the farther away I got, the more magnificent it all looked. When I could see more of this glorious creation it put me in even more awe and I just had to turn around and stare at it.

God is HUGE. He is so big that words do not do Him justice. We only hold a small piece of Him in our minds. The more we grasp of God and who He is, the more He puts US in awe. When we can SEE more of Him, when we can take in more clearly all that He is,we are that much more amazed at His beauty and majesty.
More than anything it made me think of Heaven. When we get there we'll be able to see and know ALL of who God is.(We'll be able to see that WHOLE sunset) Instead of just a small piece, we will be able to see all of Him! Praise Jesus! =)


12For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [e]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [f]fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been [g]fully and clearly known and understood [[h]by God]. 1 Corinthians 13:12 (amp)


Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." 9Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, 10the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
11"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being." Rev. 4:8-11

Expectations

Happy August!

I cannot believe how fast this summer is going...I know I always say that but I'm still constantly shocked by it!

I'm back from Swatara! Thanks to anyone who was praying for me:) It was...different than expected. When I got there I found out from several different people that it was their last full week of camp there. This was sort of a negative in my mind because all the staff had already gone through their full summer together. They were already close, they'd already been through lots of 'stuff' together and they had the routines and everything down like no ones business. And then here comes me, new to
e v e r y t h i n g this camp has to offer. haa..it makes me laugh a little inside because it's so crazy.
It only took me a day or so to feel really confident in the schedule and things which was good. A typical day there was a lot like a day at Carson Simpson. They had Bible, nature, arts and crafts...etc. They also had lots of added things like "change of pace", which was, by far, my favorite part of the whole day because I got to lay down and nap if I wanted =) haa that sounds terrible that THAT was my favorite part but I did like other stuff of course;)

One of my favorite nights there was one where I got to read to the girls. I read them "You are special" and talked with them a little about it. After I read it a couple of the girls were like "read another one!!!". They were so excited and they were silent when I was reading to them, it was a great feeling. Before I started reading the second book they were chatty and around the cabin getting ready for bed...and then when I sat down on the floor in the middle they were like "..she's starting the book!!!" and they all listened again. I don't know why but I really loved it. This was also the night that I took my guitar out and started playing a little bit. The girls loved it. They were like moths to a light bulb when I played. They would all circle around me and just stand there transfixed and staring in awe..hah. It was cool. A lot of them told me they really liked it and they wanted me to play them to sleep. :)It was a great night. A fav by far :D I was so thankful to God for that time.

It was especially great because the day or so before I was having sort of a hard time. Like I said, the staff there were already very connected and I felt really disconnected from them and out of my element. I'm a shy person anyway, but especially in a situation where everyone but me is close is difficult. (I'd imagine this is hard for anyone) It's not like I didn't try either...I did, but it's not like you get close with a person you don't know overnight. The first day I was thinking to myself
"why on earth am I here?" " They don't need me here.." and I was just wishing I hadn't signed up for it. It was good in some ways because I prayed about it every night and told God how disconnected I felt from everyone. And it DID get better by the end of the week. God helped me to remember that I was there for the campers...not the social aspect.
A couple days later though I was able to talk to one person who was on staff. She was usually a nurse there but she was counseling for the week. It was her first time counseling so she was sort of out of her element too. It was comforting and so good to just talk to someone who was open to talking to me.
(I'm sure others would have been open too but it was way too intimidating to walk up to a whole group of the other counselors who knew each other well already. They were always in a huddle together..it was just weird)

One thing that was particularly stretching was when I (me and my 8 campers) were assigned to lead a vespers. It's like their evening devotions sort of...with the WHOLE junior camp. It was my turn on Tuesday and I was super nervous. I don't like talking in front of a whole bunch of people anyway...but especially when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. It was solely MY job to organize my campers and help them put something together. From what I was able to observe at the other two vespers the nights before, the counselors were also responsible for speaking...SOMETHING. ha.

So we planned it during a "discovery period"...(basically free period). I helped the girls plan a skit they would do having to do with that days theme (accepting others), and picked out a few verses to read and songs to sing. I prayed about it a lot. I gave it to God and in return I wasn't nervous when the time actually came to speak and things. I had to start the songs by myself, help the girls in the order of things and be in front of everyone...it was so uncomfortable! (so of course it was very stretching) I wanted to try to tie the gospel into the verse I read. (side note-it really seemed like they never presented the gospel..which had me confused) So I read the one in Luke about when Jesus calls the little children to come to Him. I explained that he calls and accepts US as His children, just like we should accept Him as the Savior of our sins.
So yeah...over all it only took about 10 minutes..ha but I really did try my best. I think that's what matters to God.

The week wasn't as tiring as I thought it would be....well when I was there I mean. I definitely didn't feel as tired as I thought I would, I think because I was distracted from my needs by the campers. I loved my girls! They were a great group. I amazed at how they all interacted with each other. They each came with a buddy..but by the second day they didn't stay with their "buddies" they were all inter-mixed, and they talked to everyone like they came knowing each other. It was great and I was impressed with them in that way.

If I'm being perfectly honest..a small part of me feels like I didn't make much of an impact there like I thought I would. I kind of caught myself wondering if God used me at all there...or what "big" purpose I served. But then I was reminded that I have NO idea all that was/is truly going on around me. I could have had some sort of impact on the staff, or the campers or anyone I came in contact with, without knowing it. God is doing so much all the time and I know for sure that there is some sort of reason He had me there. (I'm not exactly sure what that is yet) I myself was challenged and stretched and I'm sure that's not all that came out of that week. All of this reminds me of the fact that our expectations really don't mean much of anything. We have expectation of how things will be in our lives but we'll never truly know what will happen until we live them. Things were different than I expected but that doesn't mean that God used it any less!

I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to go there and then to go to the beach for a few days on top of that! God is so good. I'm so thankful for His love and comfort. I've had a cold and some pretty nasty sunburn the past few days but God is still here and reminded me of His healing:) I'm so so grateful, I can't even put into words all that God means to me.


(Here's a picture of the whole junior camp. It's a little blurry bc it's a picture of a picture.)

Personal God

My parents have been away on vacation this week and I have to say, I'm excited they are coming back tomorrow! I don't like being here by myself...it freaks me out and the house is too quiet. It helps that I'm basically only home for 3 hours in the evening (waking hours anyway)..so it hasn't been too bad at all..but I am glad anyway. =)

I'm pretty excited about camp Swatara next week but I'm also still a little scared. (It's just completely new for me and the whole not knowing thing was getting my nerves going in the beginning of the week.) It doesn't really help that multiple people have asked me "..why??" am I going...and they just react like it makes no sense, which I guess it doesn't to them.

YES people...I am taking a week "off" and going to another camp...where I will not be getting paid for the week..am I crazy?

Maybe... I am.

but I'm really excited about it because I'm doing it for God. He's led me to this point. (at least I think He has) You see, people's reactions have started to make me second guess myself and whether or not it's what God really wants.
When I examine my motives though it makes sense..to me at least. I feel like campers have the opportunity to become way more vulnerable at an overnight camp, away from parents, distractions, and their own lives for the week, to be immersed in a Christian environment. Don't get me wrong, CSF is great and all, but there is something really awesome about developing deeper relationships and having those "deeper discussions" while you're with the campers 24/7. That's what I hope comes out of this week. I want to share my faith with these campers and help them in theirs! I'm so excited. It's not about me at all, and it's definitely NOT about the money.

If anyone reads this and prays I would appreciate prayers that God will prepare my heart for the week and that He'll work through me.
As I've been sitting down trying to "plan" things for devotions like the manual (yes...I'm a nerd) says to, I mostly get the feeling that I shouldn't prepare too much. I don't know the girls yet, I don't know what will happen during the day yet, or what exactly the lessons will be like...and planning and thinking about it too much is what makes me nervous in the first place...hah. I have faith that God will give me words to say and that He will lead us. Especially because He's led me to this place..I know He will follow through (like He ALWAYS does). He won't just leave me hanging, no way.



Tonight I'm SO thankful that God is such a personal God. It brings me so much comfort to know that He REALLY knows me, because He is the one who made me. =)

13For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb.
15My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!(E)
18If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand.

Psalm 139:13, 15-18

God is GREATER still

So it's been awhile again. This summer is F L Y I N G by. It's just plain craziness to me.

I'm DONE my summer two class and it feels oh so good. All I have left now is junior block and student teaching, no more gen eds! Woohoo!! I definitely didn't have such a fun time with that summer 2 class called political communication (bleh)..and it sure took some getting used to balancing school work with full camp days, but after the first couple weeks I can honestly say that I got used to it and it wasn't SO terrible. NOW it's weird that I don't have to come home and post my thoughts on the discussion board or take a quiz...I sort of forget how to just relax..hah. (sort of..I know that won't take long to get back into though ha)
The best part about it is that God totally helped me through it and to relax and not stress about the work too much. And I WAS fine. I ended up getting an A..and I'm truly amazed. It's amazing how God takes care of things we entrust to him.

I feel like I've been learning (or re-learning) a lot these past two weeks. I've come to a few realizations.

1) That for the past like month I've just been SO up and down with my faith or the feelings I had towards God. I would have moments where I felt things were good but those moments really were few and far between. I felt so lost. For every time I felt okay I would usually go through days at a time of feeling so confused and doubtful and stuck in that feeling of not knowing who I was or who God was. It was weird, I'm telling ya.. BUT I've been realizing that that's what was happening.

2) I need to spend more time with God in His word and praying to feel more connected so I won't be so easily shaken again. (Not because I should do those things but because I WANT and need that to strengthen my relationship with God)

3) Everyone goes through some sort of season of doubt in their life. This was spoken in a sermon I heard last Sunday and it was really perfect timing. It made me feel comforted because of the fact that at one time or another EVERYONE feels confused, or doubts/questions their faith and it's just a season. Those times are opportunities to reaffirm what you know to be true and cling to God all the more.

4) God always loves me and offers me His grace regardless of how I am feeling. I listened to a sermon this morning on my ride back home from Millersville. It was from a grace series by new life church, the sermon was called "Grace really is amazing" (from week 4). Through this sermon I was reminded that
- "I am a human BEING, not a human DOING".
-Regardless of how I am feeling, I AM in righteousness (right standing with God) because I have Jesus and believe that He died to make me free from my sins.
The sermon talked about how Christians "feel good" in God when they are doing what they feel are the right things.The sermon said specifically that "Most of them feel the way they feel based on how good they are at keeping their list of stuff." But when people feel like they are doing bad, God must be mad. In the sermon he kept saying "Do good, God's glad, do bad God's mad". He connected it with the fact that we as believers a lot of times feel that we are not blessable, and we don't have a chance of being blessed by God if we're doing bad, but if we do good then we'll be blessed. But he says in the sermon it is definitely NOT biblical under the new covenant.. God died to make us free and He wants us to live in that. I was a m a z e d because I'm pretty sure I wrote about a time when I was feeling that exact way. I felt like I wasn't "right" with God because I wasn't DOING things the right way. I felt like I couldn't come to Him until I DID something to get right with God. But I realized today that

THAT IS SO WRONG!!

God loved me even then. He cared about my state of being not what I was DOING. He wasn't mad. I wasn't any less saved or cared for. The sermon said exactly what I had been feeling that some days "Christians are hot, then they're cold, they feel good then they feel bad..and they're all over the place because they don't grasp the concept of GRACE."
We all have that state of mind sometimes but it's not the truth and it doesn't reflect who God is. We have been given the gift of right standing with God. It is a definite state of being and not a deed to be done.

5) The more I seek God in total surrender the more I can hear His voice, and the more I am able to let go of things and trust Him.

So those are some of the things that I've been thinking through and learning/re-learning. It amazing what peace and joy can come from surrendering everyday to God. :)

One day at a time

It's been quite a few days since I've been able to get on here and write anything. I really wanted to update this sooner....like on Monday...but I literally had NO time. It was a pretty crazy week with camp started. Add in my summer class to the mix and forget any relax time at all. It was really tough. I'm always so tired when I get home from camp anyway...and everyday this week I came home, ate something quick and used the rest of my night (3ish hours) to do school work. ugh! Usually by 8:30 (or 9 if I'm lucky) my brain becomes like a slug...it just stops functioning..ha. Forget writing papers or sources for my bibliography, I can't even keep my eyes open to watch something on TV.
It's been frustrating because I don't have enough time to give as much effort as I would like to..but I'm really trying hard to stay positive about it. I just keep telling myself that all I can really do is try my best, and that's it. I have 3 more weeks left, so right now I'm focusing on the day to day..because I really can't look ahead or I'll go nuts.

Things haven't really been getting better regarding my "spiritual life"..if that's what you want to call it. They might actually be worse.
ugh..I just feel so...lost. ?? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. This week was hectic, I already said that...not only couldn't I blog..I didn't get any God time at all..except for 5 measly minutes in the morning with my devotional book. I just can't shake this feeling that I'm doing everything all wrong, and God pretty much hates me for it. If He doesn't hate me, He certainly doesn't care. (and I do know this isn't true...but lately my heart just isn't getting it.) Everything has been "go, go, go" this week, and when I do stop for a minute it's really only long enough for me to realize that my heart is not in a good state...but I feel like I can't spend long enough to make it right again.
Camp has been really good, and I feel good when I'm there but whenever I think about God I feel like I'm not in a right place spiritually..so I don't bring things to God because I feel like I can't. Last Sunday the pastor gave a sermon about prayer (from Colossians 3)and I was excited that it was going to be about that because I had been thinking about prayer. It was good, but the thing that stuck out to me most was that ultimately when we pray we should pray for the gospel message and for people to come to Christ.
Well I know this is true, and I do this sometimes...but I feel like most of my prayers are me talking to God about my struggles. I like to tell God things that bother me, and just anything and everything on my mind...and I feel like I've heard multiple times, from multiple people that "God WANTS to hear about your life". I just felt like my pastor was contradicting that. He wasn't saying don't pray about those things...but I kind of felt like he was saying if you pray about anything...pray about this. So then I felt really convicted and I guess I'm just really confused now. So this week I haven't really been praying at all....

Yeah...

Satan?? I feel like he must be up to something. He is the one who is the father of LIES. Maybe it's him who is twisting what my pastor said to make it into something else..? I don't know. I just want to do what is right..and I feel like I don't even know what's right anymore. I felt like I knew a good bit of God's character but now I'm just confused. What if I have it wrong? =/ I also feel like I have no accountability now...and it's like the worst feeling ever.
I'm around people all day everyday but sometimes I feel like that's not enough. Sometimes I just need someone close to talk to but no one is around..
Most of the time I'm so busy that I don't think about it too hard..but when I do think about it I can't stand how it makes me feel. =/ Part of me feels like this is God wanting me to draw nearer to Him...and it might be..but it's still hard.

On another note, they posted junior block schedules and I found out Britt and I are in the same one...so that was the highlight of the week. :) And I know that was all God. We talked about how it would be great if were in the same block..but I didn't think it would actually happen. We've never had ANY classes together. There are FIVE sections of J-block and Britt could have been in Sped block..but nope. She ended up in Eled block section 91 with ME. :D Andd I was so excited because Dr. Topping will be my literacy prof and she is who I was hoping to get! It's really great how it worked out and it can only be God.
I've also been seeing a TON of robins lately... sooo it's not allll bad. :)

Eat Pray Love...

Time goes SO fast, seriously. ..it's a little scary actually. My pre-k seminar class is officially over and I could not be happier. What a relief that's done.
I'm thinking of this week as my r e l a x week before everything starts getting busy again. I quite enjoyed it (it's basically over now...hah), I still have today though and I will enjoy every minute! Next week my summer 2 class starts, Political Communication (online). I'm really excited about it let me tell you... I tried to go on blackboard desire to learn, to see what work this week might bring, or maybe to get a head start or something, but nope, nothings up there..guess I'll find out soon enough..

Christin is now gone. After being in Florida for a few days she left yesterday to fly to Atlanta, GA...and then to Accra and then to Lome. Sooo Christin, I'm not really sure where the heck you are right now. I tried to figure it out but the time change thing makes it pretty difficult. I think you may be flying to Lome now..? or you could still be in Accra...hah..who knows really.
ANYWAY, I miss you already =/

This weekend is "training" at Carson Simpson. I'm excited to see who all will be back this summer and what the staff will be like this year. I'm also really excited just to spend some time at home. :) I'm definitely still a homebody, can't deny that one.

Right now feels like another transition time. It's nice because I actually had a little space to breathe in b/t class and work but it also just feels weird. I was SO tired last night but I couldn't fall asleep forever because my mind just wouldn't stop. I hate that.

Last week or so ago I got this book called Eat Pray Love and I've been trying to read it. Key word, trying. I can read things pretty quickly usually, especially when I have nothing else going on really (like this week) but I'm only about a quarter of the way in.
Now the title kind of sounds nice, Eat Pray Love...is that some sort of nice Christian book? you might ask yourself..well no. It's not. Like, at. all.

I'm actually sorely disappointed by it. Most people have probably heard about it..I had heard of it but I didn't really know anything about it. It's a biography about a woman who divorces her husband and then travels to Italy, Indonesia and India to "find God". The views are very "middle eastern". In the very beginning of the book this woman says that she is a "Christian" but then quickly tacks on that she really isn't because she has a hard time believing there is only one way to heaven through Jesus. Okay, I know this is where a lot of Americans today stand...but I still had a hard time reading that part in the book and it had me kind of confused and a little frustrated? okay, a lot frustrated. This woman has it ALL backwards! She's all about finding God on this traveling journey, but it sounds to me like she wants the "best of both worlds". At one point she says that she wants to find the balance between God and the spiritual but also to be able to enjoy all the "good" things in life. ?! She is conforming God to HER life, to what SHE wants Him to be and not who He really is. She also calls God an "experience of supreme love"...but I just don't get it. How can anyone say that God is all love without Jesus? Whyyy would you think God can love you, or even want you without that? You can't just take out the part you don't like. bah! I don't mean to sound harsh but it just really frustrates me that people can think like that. Honestly reading the book makes me really sad for this woman. She doesn't get it. She can't see the truth.

It also makes me really uncomfortable that this book is a #1 New York Times Bestseller. SO many people are reading this book and she is totally portraying God in the worst way. People probably don't need to be reassured of the fact that they can conform God to whatever. Because it's NOT true people! She really sends out the message that God can be whatever you want Him to be but I think that is just so backwards.

I was talking about this with Kylee today and it really occurred to me for the first time that this is how a lot of Americans view God today. The fact that this book is what's selling and what people are reading is scary stuff.
As we were talking, for the first time I thought about how Christians are and probably will be persecuted for the fact that we only believe there's one way to heaven, and a lot of people don't like that and think it's wrong..
It's just crazy to think about, but I could go on and on and I should stop now..ha. Let me know your thoughts..



Besides that whole book business, the past couple days I've been realizing part of the reason I still can't seem to feel closer to God lately.
At caregroup we were were talking about distractions and idols and things of that nature and I felt like I wasn't doing anything right.
We were talking about being distracted and I'm instantly thinking about how often I am distracted and doing things that don't involve much of God, and I feel like it's a lot. So then I felt like...well God must be SO disappointed with me, and this is bad because now God really doesn't want me to come to Him.. Ugh. I feel like lately I've been thinking all the wrong things, and having all the wrong attitudes and I've been so disappointed with myself. I feel like I need to get my act together so that I can hear God or spend time with Him. Now I'm having sort of a revelation that God doesn't WANT me to fix myself to come to Him, He wants me to come in my broken state, in my weakness. I hate my weaknesses and I guess I'm really just ashamed so I don't want to bring it to God. This stuff seems really obvious but it's the first time that what my brain is really connecting with my heart..ya know? I've never actually felt what that stuff really means, until now.

It's such a relief that I CAN bring those things to God and He will help me to fix them. Not only does He help but He WANTS to help, He delights in it!

Imagine that.

"Through Him also we have [our] access by faith into this grace in which we [firmly and safely] stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God." Romans 5:2
.."Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. While we were yet in weakness [powerless to help ourselves], at the fitting time Christ died for the ungodly." Rom 5:5-6

GRACE and anticipation

Well, it's official. I am now a senior in college. I can't believe it, I have no idea where the time went. I hate change and one would think after the third time of dealing with another "College year" being over I'd be okay, but I still really struggle with the change. It has me feeling all kinds of mixed up inside. I felt really bad today again. Things tend to build up in my brain and I don't deal with them and they just all hit me at once and make me upset. It didn't hit me until yesterday that this year is over..ha, I think because I'm starting my summer class right away..but when I went to the gym yesterday and no one was there I remembered that it really is over because everyone pretty much left.
I'm excited for the changes and I am greatly anticipating what God has planned for my life, so I don't quite understand how it can make me feel so afraid at the same time.

I was feeling pretty convicted the past couple days about something and tonight I was able to pray about it and have God remind me of His amazing grace and forgiveness. While I was thinking and praying I realized how stretching this summer has the potential to be. I have 2 classes, and I'll be at school for a while. I'm not sure how much time pre-k will take up during the day but I'm excited that caregoup will still be going on. I think some really awesome stuff could happen also with the "Bible study" JJ, Amanda and I have recently decided to start. It's not really a Bible study exactly, more like accountability, but it's already been amazing to see how God has orchestrated the whole thing. It should be good, and I'm excited :)
I'll be at school probably until camp starts and by the time I get back Christin will be gone. I wasn't too excited to be working at camp without her, especially since we have both worked at camp together for the past couple years and it will just be really different. At the same time though, I think it might be good and really stretch me out of my comfort zone.
I'm also volunteering as a counselor at Swatara for a week in August and I know that will be stretching. I'm really excited about it because I've never done over night camp before. I'm interested to see how God will use me there to reach out to the camper girls :) I'm really nervous at the same time but I trust that God has some awesome things for me to learn.

I'm really trying to TRUST what God has for my life and not look at the lives of others and want what they have. I know God had some great plans for me and I know I need to trust that what He has will be GOOD. It's something I'm sure God will continue to help me grow in, and I continue to be amazed that what He has planned will be better than what I can even imagine!

3You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.

4So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages]. Isaiah 26:3-4

20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Blessed is He who forgives my sins and gives MORE grace.