Thoughts on Anxiety

I'm itching to blog.

My parents came up yesterday to swap cars with me.
When they got here we went to lunch.

"What are you doing? Am I making you nervous?"
" No, Dad, you're not making me nervous...why would I be nervous....."
"You're all shaky"
"It's what I do. I shake my legs...it's just a thing I do."
"Okay...we all have our things. I do this (biting his nails) and I have to put up with cats who have there own problems..."
: |


Dad:..."So my birthday is on the last day of the world."
Me: "It won't be the end of the world because no one knows the time....like a thief in the night"
Dad: "That's the rapture, I'm not talking about the rapture"
Me: "Same thing."
Dad:"If Jesus comes he'll come before the end of the world. So it'll be a couple days before my birthday."
Me: "Well, that's fine with me. I've had enough...."

That made my parents laugh, but I really would rather be in Heaven, who wouldn't??

Yesterday was a particularly anxiety ridden day for me. All I wanted to do was hide under my bed and sleep. But my parents were here and so I couldn't.
I was talking to my mom while laying on my couch with the blanket over my head. Dad walks in from outside and goes...."Where is she??" (no really, he was serious)
"I'm right here dad"
Dad walks out and back in a few minutes later.
"where'd she go??"
Me to Mom...."is this an invisible blanket?"

Any way, I realized that I've been this anxiety person for my whole life.
I remembered the time when I was younger and I had just gotten a new bike.
After we brought it home, I didn't feel right.
"I feel weird, Mom..." I remember saying. I realize now it's because I didn't know the words to say "I'm really anxious".

You're probably thinking who gets anxiety over a NEW bike??

Anything new, anything different, if it means change in any type of way, it probably gives me anxiety.
It's something I wish I didn't have to deal with, but it's a part of my personality. If you struggle with it too, know that God KNOWS and He will always grant His peace. He is always bigger than it.

Um..it'll be okay..

I haven't a post like this in a while.

but.. I feel really..weary? sad? scared? anxious?
all of the above?

:(

I HATE CHANGE, guys. =/

This sucks.

Why am I so bad at these life changes?

They're not bad..but they ARE different and it feels like too much change at once. It's making me feel anxious and scared...
I don't know why! (but I hate it!!ughh)

I am about to move.
I am about to live by myself.
I still don't really feel a close connection with new friends.
Still especially upsetting because certain friends I used to have don't really talk to me anymore. (wayyy frustrating, and sad)

I miss my church family from college. :(
I felt SUCH an amazing connection there and right now I don't feel that connection anywhere.
I feel like I have no real accountability.
I want more consistency in my life but right now..in this phase of life, unfortunately for me and my brain, things ARE going to keep changing. For the next couple of years most likely, there will continue to be big life changes.

I feel like it's to much to get through.

(I know, I'm sure I sound ridiculous)
Like, come on Kari, you're just moving,what's your deal??

But I seriously think I have some sort of imbalance in my brain that makes a change seem like a HUGE difference and a reason to feel scared. Even though really it's not true..and it WILL be okay.

Right? right??


..ahhh venting.

Newness

Hey yall :)

(I'm not southern but sometimes I like to pretend I am :)

It feels like it's been a while since I've posted anything. I'm not really sure why...

Summer is almost over :( It's so bitter sweet but mostly just bitter. haha

I've been pretty anxious the past week. I'm planning on moving out on Monday or Tuesday of next week. I'll be moving an hour and a half to the area in which I went to school.

I have a bunch of stuff to work out with subbing and the schools I would like to be at. It would also be nice to just get settled in before school starts.

In case you don't remember(or haven't heard), I am moving in with a friend and her family. They are graciously letting me use one of their now occupied bedrooms until I find something more permanent.

I don't even have to say how much I hate change...but it's still true. The medicine I take helps A LOT with my anxiety, but I can still feel a little worried like any normal person would. And it's not even worry exactly just the anticipation of it all. I'm anxious for it all to get rolling and to see how it will be.

I'll also be trying to connect to a new church....so that should be interesting.

ahh....it's just so much newness in a very short amount of time. But I guess it'll be ready or not...here I come "real world."

I can have peace

I've felt weird this week.

I think something has been sort of off with my medication. (I take something for anxiety) It's the scariest thing when it's off. I just hate it.
One day at lunch this week I just felt so weird and not right all of sudden (at school) and started getting weird tingly feelings..I got so scared I didn't even finish my lunch. The rest of the day I felt fine because I was distracted. Then one early morning I woke up feeling so strange again, like my muscles were really tense and I couldn't relax them, and just scared and worried for no reason.
It's the worst because it happens so out of nowhere. I was worried because I'm teaching my full week in 6th grade next week and I don't want to feel sick or anything then. I was thinking it might be because I haven't been taking it at exactly the same time everyday...that could be throwing it off so I'm going to try to be more on top of that.

Anyway- sorry for my rambling about that. It's just really been on my mind. It's amazing what God does with it though!

Things are getting a lot busier and I've been finding it harder to spend a lot of quiet time with God, which is frustrating. It's not that I'm TOO busy necessarily either, because I know I waste a lot of time too. I just need to straighten up my priorities.


Last night's Bible study was SO good. We finished with Romans last week, so this week we started looking at some proverbs about wisdom. The leader tried to gear it towards the mindset of teachers because almost all of the people that go are in that profession. At one point, everyone was talking about how the students just don't LISTEN... and "if the students would only listen and RESPOND it would get them so much further" ..and how "the students just don't do what you tell them, they want to try things their own way". I was thinking about it, and I put all of those things into the aspect of who God is. It blew my mind!

I have never thought about God in that way. It's especially neat because I can so relate to being a teacher and struggling with students at times. It's AWESOME when you put it into an analogy of GOD being the teacher. If only we would listen to Him and respond.. If only we would do things His way instead of our own way... If only we would always be content in what it is He is trying to teach us.

Think about it this way.. In a math class the students might say "this is too hard" or "I will never need this in life" BUT the teacher knows it's actually beneficial and IF the students listen, the teacher can help and it will make more sense. Put that all into the aspect of God as our teacher. We may not understand what God is teaching us in any given moment, or WHY we might be going through a certain situation in our lives, but GOD knows it's for an important lesson. To grow us. To draw us closer to Him. Whatever the reason, if we just stick with our "Teacher" and listen to His instruction and guidance, we will be OKAY. He knows where He is leading and He can see the big picture.
I just love that.

I've made a LOT of progress on my Japan relief purses. I don't know how they have been able to get done so quickly, or how I've found the time, but that's just more evidence at how God's hands are all of this project.
There are about 10 friends from church that want one, and one of those wants TWO! So far I have 8 made :) I get better and quicker with each one.

I've been feeling kind of worried and a little scared about all of the things that are STILL unknown. It's not even those things directly that are scaring me, but the fact that I'm in such a power struggle with God about it. I want to let go, but I feel like I'm still holding on. bahh it's really frustrating.

I think I saw this on someone else's blog the other day but I liked it...

"When the world tells me to worry, I can have peace."

That's important to remember right now with public education seemingly going down the tubes here in PA. It's crazy, I tell ya.

Oh and PS: you might have noticed my *new* tab at the top. I'm starting an ongoing list of 1000 things I'm thankful for, so I will never forget how richly I am blessed. Feel free to check it out!

Feeling defeated

I'm feeling pretty frustrated right now.

I can't even put it to words exactly but I feel like I'm a bad person, and student teacher or something for not making it to school these past couple of days. :(

Yesterday was completely out of my control, my car broke, there wasn't anything I could do about that.

I ended up not going in today either because of the snow.
In case you're asking yourself...the answer is No, my school was not closed this morning during out flippin "WINTER STORM watch"...it was OPEN.

I tried my best to suck up my nerves and leave the house anyway, despite my best judgement.
I cleared my car and shoveled off the driveway. I then went back in the house to put on my nice clothes for school and by the time I came back out, my windows were basically covered again because the snow was really coming down.
The roads were really awful. The radio person kept saying "the roads are treacherous".
I tried not to think about how bad they were, but every time I tried to break I was sliding, which might not bother some but it SCARES the heck out of me not to have control of my car.
My school is 45-50 minutes away on a normal day, and some of the roads are farm ones, and highways. I was literally crying at the thought of driving all the way out there when I didn't even feel comfortable driving in Millersville. I called my mom, and as stupid as I feel admitting this, I was crying on the phone with her because of how stupid I felt the situation was. WHY am I risking getting in an accident, (which I'm certain I would have) just to get to school, have them dismiss early and have to drive back??

I called my supervisor, and she said to talk to my coop about it. I then set out to drive back home. It was SO bad. I was scared for my life. The roads were covered, and everyone was sliding. The worst part was that I felt like I was hyperventilating and I was getting some panic attack feelings in my hands/arms. :( It was NO fun.

ANYWAY, I didn't make it school.

I feel so defeated almost.

I felt GOOD earlier, that I made it home, and that I was safe and didn't need to drive...buuut I'm starting to feel kind of judged..? Almost like certain people think I just didn't even try, or like I didn't WANT to go. But honestly I was concerned for my safety...honest to goodness.

I feel like a horrible person and like the worst student teacher ever right now. :(

It's not a good feeling.

There were certain things I was supposed to observe that I didn't get to, and certain things I was supposed to teach, but I couldn't.

I feel like a failure.

=/

Day 2

So I'm sitting here thinking about what I should I do.. Take a nap..? That sounds good! Eat dinner..? hmm yeah maybe... wait! I guess I should blog.. *sigh*

=) That was my thought process just now.

So day TWO of student teacher was completed today. I'm rollin' now! ;)

It's been a GREAT start. I am in utter, and complete awe of God and what He is doing in my life right now. I have had no attacks of any kind while in 1st grade and it's been such a major blessing!!
It was kind of ironic because last night at caregroup I shared about my taking medication and what a struggle it was, and how blessed I've been not to have any side effects. And then of course, last night (or early this morning rather, around 4am) I woke up having a panic attack. Not nearly as bad as the really scary one from before, but a little weird none the less. I felt the weird heat thing flaring up a bit, and my heart started to race a little, but I called out to God and He helped me to remain as calm as possible in the midst of it. I started to feel really weird tension in my muscles and like I couldn't relax them, and just the need to move my legs. It was WEIRD. Thankfully it didn't last too long and I was able to relax a bit until 6am when my alarm went off. I WAS feeling pretty nervous though to go to school. It was the first time to really have those feelings since I started my new medicine and I didn't want anything to happen at school. I texted one of my bffs and she reminded me to trust God, and just let go of my control of the situation. It was a WONDERFUL reminder and I totally was like "God, you're right, and I give you the control, it's yours" at that, I felt SUCH a peace like none other. I knew that no matter what happened God was on my side and He would take care of me.

This day ended up going SO WELL! It was such a good day. I felt much less awkward around other staff and people, and more comfortable with the kiddos.

I'm also pretty stoked about this snow coming our way tonight! (fingers crossed for at least a 2-hr delay:))

I over heard one little girl today telling my teacher "I'm glad Miss Shaffer is here with us.." and my teacher said "yeah me too" =)

I'm glad to be there with them, here in this moment God has called me to!!

Everything is better with God

Welp, It's almost that time again. Time to go back to school.

I'm sort of dreading it, as usual.

I LOVE it when I'm there, but I just love home so much, I get so attached to being here after four weeks. I know I'll be homesick at first and I'm not looking forward to it.:(

Plus, it's my LAST semester as an UNDERGRAD!! That's CRAZY!

I'm sort of really nervous to go back. =/ Because of what happened a week or so ago when I was there..(the meds) I'm much more afraid to leave home. What if something happens..?

I'm learning in this time more than ever that I NEED to lean on God. I sort of feel like I'm at the end of my rope, and it's all I can do.
I'm so scared.
There is so much stuff I'm going to be responsible for with student teaching, and I just want to feel OKAY, and like my happy, normal, self.
I NEED to find my strength in God, and not myself. I know He is trying to teach me that I will be okay if I seek Him out when I'm scared or feeling sick from the medicine. When I call out to Him to comfort me, He will give me the peace I need to get through. I'm fully trusting God for what will happen in these next few weeks. It's all I can do really.

I would really appreciate prayers as I go back to school and get back into "the swing of things"! That I will lean on God, and call out to Him rather than worrying about panic attacks.


Yesterday and today I read Luke 2.
Jesus is born, and then He is a boy around the age of 12.

I really liked the verse in the first half about the shepherds:

8And in that vicinity there were shepherds living [out under the open sky] in the field, watching [in shifts] over their flock by night

I like it a lot because God is OUR shepherd, and we are His sheep. The shepherds watched over their flocks by night, it says. It just reminded me that God is always, always watching out for us. Even by night. =)

The second half of Luke talks about a story of Jesus I don't think I've ever heard before, which I thought was odd.
Jesus and his parents go to Jerusalem and then his parents go back but He remains behind. His parents though didn't know. It says they were worried sick, they didn't know where He was. Finally they went back to Jerusalem and found Him with the teachers asking questions, and it says people were astonished by His intelligence.
They ask Jesus how He could treat them that way.. and He replies with:

"How is it that you had to look for me? Did you not see and know that it is necessary for me to be in My Father's house?"
but they didn't understand Him.

I thought it was cool that that sort of thing was already happening at the age of 12!
:)

Wishing everyone a fabulous weekend!

No Sweeter Name

I have to start out by saying this past week was, by far, the longest week of my entire life. (was it really only LAST weekend that I was in Lancaster for New Years?! It seems like an eternity!!)

I've been through so much this week. I've been more scared than I've ever been in my life, but God has been TOTALLY 100 percent faithful and right by my side!

I started my medication last Sunday, took it for three days and then realized it was not reacting well with my body. I ended up taking it for only three days. The first two days were fine, basically no major side effects besides a little dizziness, and nausea, but not bad at all. I took a trip to school on that third day not thinking anything of it. I was with a bunch of friends who I know but who I don't normally hang out with to see Shane Claiborne speak. (no big deal...) Well it turns out I got some really, REALLY bad, scary panic attacks while there. Worse than ever before. It's so difficult to put into words for people who haven't ever experienced it. Basically I felt like passing out, and like I would throw up...and then I felt intense heat, all over my body like I was on fire. I was so scared. I got home later that night and felt better. I talked to a good friend who reassured me that those feelings were coming from the meds because my body was adjusting.

That night I was able to fall asleep but I woke up suddenly at 3am and felt REALLY weird. I just felt terrified and scared for no reason. My heart was going a little faster and then I got really scared.. I had another really bad panic episode but worse than that night. My heart was racing, my whole body was on fire, and I felt that same passing out/nauseous feeling. I was so scared because I was in the house by myself at school, an hour and a half from home. It was intense and it took a few minutes to pass. I felt like I was dying! I almost called 911, I didn't know what to do..but then it finally subsided.

That morning I called my doctors office and told them I didn't want to keeping taking these meds, and they told me to stop with that one and my doctor prescribed this other medication called Celexa.
I gave myself a few days before starting the new one to let the Zoloft leave my system a bit. Let me just tell you, it was like nothing I've ever experienced. By God's amazing help I was able to drive myself home that next day, but it wasn't easy. I still felt so anxious and jittery. That night I can't even explain how I felt. Just scared beyond belief and not like myself at all. I guess I could describe it as a feeling like something is very wrong that would make me nervous when in reality everything's okay. I know it was because of the medicine though..and because I hadn't taken it that day.

So far, so good with this new medicine. It's a lower dose and it also doesn't have the same half life of zoloft if I were to stop it.

Like I said though, there is no way I could do this without God! He has been so completely amazing and with me every step of the way. He's shown me verses in the Bible that have brought so much comfort, and also just brought scripture to mind when I felt afraid. He's given me a few little signs that make me smile and remind me that He's with me and still holding me. I'm SO thankful for what He's doing.

Here's one of the verses He showed me:
"My Father...is greater and mightier than all else; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." John 10:29

God reminded me through this that He is BIGGER and MIGHTIER than all of this!
He is MIGHTIER than my fear. He is mightier than my anxiety. He is mightier than this medicine. He is mightier than my doctor. Mightier than my side effects... Mightier than the panic attacks.. Mightier than ALL ELSE!!! And He will help me through it, because He is bigger and stronger than anything I'm going through or feeling, even in this situation. :) It makes my heart so happy!

Another few verses that really helped me were from Isaiah 43. It was AWESOME because the night I spent at home after the really scary night, I still kept waking up and feeling afraid, but I started to pray and instantly these verses just came to my mind. (From God!)
"Fear not, I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned.."

It was AMAZING!! I felt such a calm come over me just knowing that God was with me through this rough time.

I'm just so, so incredibly thankful. I know God is guiding me. Maybe there was a reason (I'm sure there is..) why I had to go through that, and why I'm still going through it. All I know is that I'm trusting God and fully leaning on Him in this. (and everything!) It's amazing how He comes through in our weaknesses!

I listened to the song Never Alone this morning by Jim Brickman and the lyrics really comforted me. :)

Here is the chorus from it:

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Winter break bliss and 2011

I've been feeling a TON better these past couple days. :)

I'm not sure what it is, maybe just being home, relaxing, hanging out, family time, God time, OR a combination of all of those things.

I really really love being home for break. I think I'm appreciating it WAY more this time because I know what's coming up next semester. Don't get me wrong, I am way excited for student teaching, but I know how time consuming it will be...especially after having my little taste of it with my J-block placement. It's so nice being on break and getting to read whatever I want, whenever I want. Catching up on shows. Being with friends. Gosh. Love it.

Today I read over these couple verses in my Bible over and over. They brought so much comfort today and I love how they apply so well.

4But God--so rich is He in His mercy! Because of and in order to satisfy the great and wonderful and intense love with which He loved us,

5Even when we were dead (slain) by [our own] shortcomings and trespasses, He made us alive together in fellowship and in union with Christ; [He gave us the very life of Christ Himself, the same new life with which He quickened Him, for] it is by grace (His favor and mercy which you did not deserve) that you are saved ([a]delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ's salvation).

6And He raised us up together with Him and made us sit down together [giving us [b]joint seating with Him] in the heavenly sphere [by virtue of our being] in Christ Jesus (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

7He did this that He might clearly demonstrate through the ages to come the immeasurable (limitless, surpassing) riches of His free grace (His unmerited favor) in [His] kindness and goodness of heart toward us in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 2:5-7

All of Ephesians 2 is reaal good. :)


Today is the day I also went to the doctor for my anxiety. I know a lot of people have their own opinions on that sort of thing, but I just want to do what's right for me personally. It's such a constant battle and I really believe that (at least for right now) something could be done to help me. My doctor talked with me a little bit and then gave me a prescription for Zoloft. Hopefully the side effects won't be too bad, and it'll help me rather than hurt me. We shall see.

It's totally not a "spur of the moment thing" though, it's something I've thought about often and also prayed about. I don't have the desire to tell many people about it..I'm mainly putting it on here for my own records..=)


2011 is almost here!

2010 was a pretty successful year I'd say.

I...
-conquered ALL of my early childhood classes and got all A's in them
-successfully passed two summer courses, one while working
-got to go on a mission trip to California and learned a whole lot about myself and who I am in God
-made it through some rough drama with a fellow Christian and I think we're both stronger for it
-turned 21!!
-got bangs =)
-learned to play ukulele
-joined worship team at church
-PASSED my Ed certification tests
-volunteered a week of my time at an overnight camp

So yes, overall, good year.

I was thinking about it, and I don't think this was one of those HUGE growing in God years. I definitely grew with God. Just, not as much as I would have liked to say I did. I learned a bunch of important lessons, but then in other ways I feel like I took some steps backward. I was really up and down this year, but I do also think that is necessary sometimes.

Here are some of my goals for 2011:
-LOVE love love, EVERY single person I come across.
-Don't overlook the people around me.
-Pray. about everything. All the time. Everyday.
-Spend lots of time in God's word.
-Exercise and eat healthier
-Take things/life events in stride (and let God handle them)

:) Bring on the new year!

Oh Monday

Today was really crappy.

Just blatantly, puttin' it out there. I don't like bein' all negative but that's where I'm at.

It was definitely Monday.

I woke up late, I had to rush out the door (in 15 minutes!), I had to teach reading and I didn't at ALL feel prepared for it. AND my supervisor had her scheduled visit today.
ugh.. baaad start.

I've been getting over a cold, so I've still felt not completely right health wise, not to mention I just look tired and not good.

Like I said in my other posts I've been busy. and that's probably an understatement. This weekend JJ got married, (YAYY!!) so the weekend was SO busy, and I just feel like I have been constantly going, going, going. Like the energizer bunny. I've been going from one thing to the next without really having time to myself to STOP. and think. Sometimes you just need to reflect on things/emotions you know? You don't realize it until you haven't gotten to stop and really think in a while. It's exhausting. I feel like I've been emotionally exhausted.

This weekend and today I haven't spent any time with God. So there is problem number one.

Anxiety today was HIGH. I worry about EVERYTHING having to do with the future. You name it, I worry about it. And I honestly felt like I could have broken down at any minute today. I've just been wearing myself out, and it was one of those mornings starting out.

I'm at this cross-roads in my life, I feel.
It's hard because I'm still trying to figure so much out at this ripe old age of 21. I've barely got rolling with my adult life and I have no idea what I want to do with myself.
Sometimes I find myself wondering if I even really want to teach. (I WILL teach....) but sometimes I get confused about whether it's what I really want to do or not.

I guess I'm figuring out lately that teaching just doesn't fill me up like I thought it would. When I think about doing it for my whole life, it just seems monotonous. ...but then ANYthing I would do for my whole life seems monotonous. (..it is a job after all) Sometimes I just feel like what's the point of all this..?

Every so often I also start to feel down and just not right about all the change happening in my life and to come. There is so much big stuff in my life changing and it's TOO MUCH for my little brain to handle. It freaks me out. And then you can cue the anxiety.
I'm graduating from COLLEGE and this is all I've known for FOUR years. That's a LONG time. (and a very short time) In that time though I've changed so very much as a person. I'm not the same as I was four years ago. What will happen with my life now? Everything will be different.. Who will I talk to? or be friends with? How will I live? what will I do? WHERE will I be?
I can't shake the feelings in my head that everything will go down hill from here..and it will just be bad. ugh. whyy do I think this way.

I feel like I'm in a power struggle with God. I'm definitely not where I want to be and I don't understand why He allows my constant struggle with anxiety. I could definitely use prayer.

In good hands

I came home for the weekend and it's been so nice to relax and be lazy:) I don't have TOO much work so it's been so nice to just enjoy being home.

God's peace is completely amazing. There is nothing like it.

Last night I was dealing with some intense anxiety about the future again. (..story of my lifeee right now) This time was different though. Usually when I worry about the future it relates in some way to my biggest fear of being alone. For the first time though, my worries were completely about money.

I've thought about the whole money thing before, but only in a passing thought,last night though it became SO much more real. I was talking to my parents about it and how I want to ideally live out by my school after graduation. Then we were talking about the possibility of where I could get a job and such. We also were talking about subbing. (In my mind I will most likely end up subbing) Then there is the whole question of will I be able to support myself on a simple sub salary? We're talking maybe $100 a day, which isn't too bad a month IF I even would get a job everyday. I really want to stay out by school but if I choose to I'll more than likely be supporting myself.
(Yes..right now I am lucky enough to have my parents supporting me in almost every area financially, and believe me, I do NOT take that for granted!) But next year that will probably change. It would be good if I had a REAL job, so that there wouldn't be a question of whether I could live out there, but alas I don't know what will happen. (obviously..)

So..all this had my head spinning in a MAJOR way last night. I was trying to figure out things that I just CAN'T know until the time comes. (ex. will I find a job? How much will I make? WHERE will I look for a job? etc..) It's scary not knowing, but God will lead me all the way and allow me to know what I need to know when the time comes.

God is also MORE than capable of blessing me with a permanent teaching position, even in these hard times. I don't want to get my hopes up because I know how tough it is but it can and DOES happen. I don't in any way want to put God in a box and plan for the worst. (WHY do I do that??)

Anyway- I have much more of a peace about it right now. I've been praying these concerns and anxieties into God's hands and I know He will guide me in His perfect timing. No matter where I end up, or how things are going, God will be with me.
I heard this quote this week and I think it's perfect (I'm not sure who said it)

"I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds it"

It's such a comfort to remember that God is the one in charge.

Tonight I was also thinking about babies and how we're God's children.

I was thinking about little Benjamin Bowman who entered the world on this past Thursday November 4th, (CONGRATS KYLEE!!!!) and how much God loves him and planned him. Benjamin is just a little baby, he just recently took his first breaths but already God knows his whole life. He knows what paths Benjamin will take and everything that will happen in his life. As I was thinking about this God really helped me to see that I was that baby too. I was fresh and new at one point in my life and I had everything before me that hadn't happened yet. I'm still on my journey and even though I'm obviously older and able to think, it doesn't mean God is in any less control of my life. He still knows the paths I have yet to take. He knew everything that would happen in my 21 years of life and knows what is to come. He KNOWS where I will be next year and He will be WITH me. No matter what is happening in my life, whether I feel it is good or bad, God will be there to turn to and lean on.

Amen! What a comfort. I'm so thankful.

Grip of fear

Well, Happy Halloween.
In honor of Halloween Pastor Duane preached his sermon this morning on fear and faith.

It could not have come at a more perfect time.

I've really been swimming in fear lately, or rather drowning in it..I should say.
Fear and Satan's lies has such a grip on my heart. This whole month of October has just been a C R A Z Y one. I've had so many ups and downs and I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster.

I'm just exhausted.

Spiritually and emotionally.

It it so draining trying to fight off the voice of the enemy in my life. I just need to run straight into God's arms and rest in Him. In His comfort and His peace, and His truth.

Sometimes Satan's voice is so loud, it's hard to know what the truth is.

Pastor Duane talked about a lot of things this morning that I want to highlight but one thing that stuck out was the word foothold. It's a weakness in our life that Satan THRIVES off of. There is one specific weakness, fear, that I constantly come back to and Satan loves to make me tremble in fear about it.

Here are some of the sermon notes I took:
-Faith is belief in what God has said. Fear is false evidence appearing real.
-Whether something is true or not, it appears true because it is believed
-It is possible to walk in faith but experience fear at the same time
-When we walk in TRUTH we are set free from fear and anxiety


"There is no fear in love[dread does not exist], but full grown love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror..." 1John 4:18

This verse has been a comfort to me..
"For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]."
Ephesians 2:10
How awesome?
It really jumped out at me how many ways planned can be said and are said in this passage..(this is the amplified version mind you)

1. Predestined
2. Planned beforehand
3. Prepared ahead of time
4. Prearranged

WOW! It was like God was shouting at me through this verse Friday morning. God has my life, I have NO reason whatsoever to worry about it. But, so why do I then?

The other passage that really helped with my struggle against those sins like I talked about, and God's disappointment is in Hebrews 12:3-11

3Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.

4You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood.

5And have you [completely] forgotten the divine word of appeal and encouragement in which you are reasoned with and addressed as sons? My son, do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved or corrected by Him;

6For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.

7You must submit to and endure [correction] for discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not [thus] train and correct and discipline?

8Now if you are exempt from correction and left without discipline in which all [of God's children] share, then you are illegitimate offspring and not true sons [at all].(B)

9Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we yielded [to them] and respected [them for training us]. Shall we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and so [truly] live?

10For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but He disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in His own holiness.

11For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God].