One day at a time

It's been quite a few days since I've been able to get on here and write anything. I really wanted to update this sooner....like on Monday...but I literally had NO time. It was a pretty crazy week with camp started. Add in my summer class to the mix and forget any relax time at all. It was really tough. I'm always so tired when I get home from camp anyway...and everyday this week I came home, ate something quick and used the rest of my night (3ish hours) to do school work. ugh! Usually by 8:30 (or 9 if I'm lucky) my brain becomes like a slug...it just stops functioning..ha. Forget writing papers or sources for my bibliography, I can't even keep my eyes open to watch something on TV.
It's been frustrating because I don't have enough time to give as much effort as I would like to..but I'm really trying hard to stay positive about it. I just keep telling myself that all I can really do is try my best, and that's it. I have 3 more weeks left, so right now I'm focusing on the day to day..because I really can't look ahead or I'll go nuts.

Things haven't really been getting better regarding my "spiritual life"..if that's what you want to call it. They might actually be worse.
ugh..I just feel so...lost. ?? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. This week was hectic, I already said that...not only couldn't I blog..I didn't get any God time at all..except for 5 measly minutes in the morning with my devotional book. I just can't shake this feeling that I'm doing everything all wrong, and God pretty much hates me for it. If He doesn't hate me, He certainly doesn't care. (and I do know this isn't true...but lately my heart just isn't getting it.) Everything has been "go, go, go" this week, and when I do stop for a minute it's really only long enough for me to realize that my heart is not in a good state...but I feel like I can't spend long enough to make it right again.
Camp has been really good, and I feel good when I'm there but whenever I think about God I feel like I'm not in a right place spiritually..so I don't bring things to God because I feel like I can't. Last Sunday the pastor gave a sermon about prayer (from Colossians 3)and I was excited that it was going to be about that because I had been thinking about prayer. It was good, but the thing that stuck out to me most was that ultimately when we pray we should pray for the gospel message and for people to come to Christ.
Well I know this is true, and I do this sometimes...but I feel like most of my prayers are me talking to God about my struggles. I like to tell God things that bother me, and just anything and everything on my mind...and I feel like I've heard multiple times, from multiple people that "God WANTS to hear about your life". I just felt like my pastor was contradicting that. He wasn't saying don't pray about those things...but I kind of felt like he was saying if you pray about anything...pray about this. So then I felt really convicted and I guess I'm just really confused now. So this week I haven't really been praying at all....

Yeah...

Satan?? I feel like he must be up to something. He is the one who is the father of LIES. Maybe it's him who is twisting what my pastor said to make it into something else..? I don't know. I just want to do what is right..and I feel like I don't even know what's right anymore. I felt like I knew a good bit of God's character but now I'm just confused. What if I have it wrong? =/ I also feel like I have no accountability now...and it's like the worst feeling ever.
I'm around people all day everyday but sometimes I feel like that's not enough. Sometimes I just need someone close to talk to but no one is around..
Most of the time I'm so busy that I don't think about it too hard..but when I do think about it I can't stand how it makes me feel. =/ Part of me feels like this is God wanting me to draw nearer to Him...and it might be..but it's still hard.

On another note, they posted junior block schedules and I found out Britt and I are in the same one...so that was the highlight of the week. :) And I know that was all God. We talked about how it would be great if were in the same block..but I didn't think it would actually happen. We've never had ANY classes together. There are FIVE sections of J-block and Britt could have been in Sped block..but nope. She ended up in Eled block section 91 with ME. :D Andd I was so excited because Dr. Topping will be my literacy prof and she is who I was hoping to get! It's really great how it worked out and it can only be God.
I've also been seeing a TON of robins lately... sooo it's not allll bad. :)

Eat Pray Love...

Time goes SO fast, seriously. ..it's a little scary actually. My pre-k seminar class is officially over and I could not be happier. What a relief that's done.
I'm thinking of this week as my r e l a x week before everything starts getting busy again. I quite enjoyed it (it's basically over now...hah), I still have today though and I will enjoy every minute! Next week my summer 2 class starts, Political Communication (online). I'm really excited about it let me tell you... I tried to go on blackboard desire to learn, to see what work this week might bring, or maybe to get a head start or something, but nope, nothings up there..guess I'll find out soon enough..

Christin is now gone. After being in Florida for a few days she left yesterday to fly to Atlanta, GA...and then to Accra and then to Lome. Sooo Christin, I'm not really sure where the heck you are right now. I tried to figure it out but the time change thing makes it pretty difficult. I think you may be flying to Lome now..? or you could still be in Accra...hah..who knows really.
ANYWAY, I miss you already =/

This weekend is "training" at Carson Simpson. I'm excited to see who all will be back this summer and what the staff will be like this year. I'm also really excited just to spend some time at home. :) I'm definitely still a homebody, can't deny that one.

Right now feels like another transition time. It's nice because I actually had a little space to breathe in b/t class and work but it also just feels weird. I was SO tired last night but I couldn't fall asleep forever because my mind just wouldn't stop. I hate that.

Last week or so ago I got this book called Eat Pray Love and I've been trying to read it. Key word, trying. I can read things pretty quickly usually, especially when I have nothing else going on really (like this week) but I'm only about a quarter of the way in.
Now the title kind of sounds nice, Eat Pray Love...is that some sort of nice Christian book? you might ask yourself..well no. It's not. Like, at. all.

I'm actually sorely disappointed by it. Most people have probably heard about it..I had heard of it but I didn't really know anything about it. It's a biography about a woman who divorces her husband and then travels to Italy, Indonesia and India to "find God". The views are very "middle eastern". In the very beginning of the book this woman says that she is a "Christian" but then quickly tacks on that she really isn't because she has a hard time believing there is only one way to heaven through Jesus. Okay, I know this is where a lot of Americans today stand...but I still had a hard time reading that part in the book and it had me kind of confused and a little frustrated? okay, a lot frustrated. This woman has it ALL backwards! She's all about finding God on this traveling journey, but it sounds to me like she wants the "best of both worlds". At one point she says that she wants to find the balance between God and the spiritual but also to be able to enjoy all the "good" things in life. ?! She is conforming God to HER life, to what SHE wants Him to be and not who He really is. She also calls God an "experience of supreme love"...but I just don't get it. How can anyone say that God is all love without Jesus? Whyyy would you think God can love you, or even want you without that? You can't just take out the part you don't like. bah! I don't mean to sound harsh but it just really frustrates me that people can think like that. Honestly reading the book makes me really sad for this woman. She doesn't get it. She can't see the truth.

It also makes me really uncomfortable that this book is a #1 New York Times Bestseller. SO many people are reading this book and she is totally portraying God in the worst way. People probably don't need to be reassured of the fact that they can conform God to whatever. Because it's NOT true people! She really sends out the message that God can be whatever you want Him to be but I think that is just so backwards.

I was talking about this with Kylee today and it really occurred to me for the first time that this is how a lot of Americans view God today. The fact that this book is what's selling and what people are reading is scary stuff.
As we were talking, for the first time I thought about how Christians are and probably will be persecuted for the fact that we only believe there's one way to heaven, and a lot of people don't like that and think it's wrong..
It's just crazy to think about, but I could go on and on and I should stop now..ha. Let me know your thoughts..



Besides that whole book business, the past couple days I've been realizing part of the reason I still can't seem to feel closer to God lately.
At caregroup we were were talking about distractions and idols and things of that nature and I felt like I wasn't doing anything right.
We were talking about being distracted and I'm instantly thinking about how often I am distracted and doing things that don't involve much of God, and I feel like it's a lot. So then I felt like...well God must be SO disappointed with me, and this is bad because now God really doesn't want me to come to Him.. Ugh. I feel like lately I've been thinking all the wrong things, and having all the wrong attitudes and I've been so disappointed with myself. I feel like I need to get my act together so that I can hear God or spend time with Him. Now I'm having sort of a revelation that God doesn't WANT me to fix myself to come to Him, He wants me to come in my broken state, in my weakness. I hate my weaknesses and I guess I'm really just ashamed so I don't want to bring it to God. This stuff seems really obvious but it's the first time that what my brain is really connecting with my heart..ya know? I've never actually felt what that stuff really means, until now.

It's such a relief that I CAN bring those things to God and He will help me to fix them. Not only does He help but He WANTS to help, He delights in it!

Imagine that.

"Through Him also we have [our] access by faith into this grace in which we [firmly and safely] stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God." Romans 5:2
.."Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. While we were yet in weakness [powerless to help ourselves], at the fitting time Christ died for the ungodly." Rom 5:5-6