Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Discouragement

Today was...such a weird day.

Instead of going to school I went to "Teacher Recruitment Day" at my University.

It was VERY discouraging to say the least. I got there with a couple of girls I know right when it started and they had a floor plan of what schools were at what tables. I circled which I wanted to go to...yata yata. I went to like 2 very short ones (shoke their hand, gave them my resume) and then had a longer sit down thing with a district and then ended up waiting in line at one district from 10:15-1:50. Yes. I was there for 3 and a half HOURS! UGHH!! Most annoying/frustrating thing ever! The line was long,yes, but what I didn't realize was that there were only two employee people at the table and they were taking 15 minutes with each person. By the time I realized, I had already been standing there for an hour, so I felt like I had to stay. THEN when two hours had passed I really wanted to leave the line but I was getting closer.

It was THE most frustrating experience ever.

There were SO many flippin people there and we all look the SAME. How on earth will I stand a chance in a sea of all these people? Not just today, but throughout the hiring process. It really hit me just how many people I will really be up against.

Then to make everything just completely worse, I was like of course dwelling all day on how things just keep spiraling downward with the economy and the education scence...blah blah. I had Bible study tonight, and when I got there, people were asking me about it, and I just felt like crap. I just feel like crap right now. Towards the end of Bible study we were talking about it again a little and I was saying minimal words so that I wouldn't start crying. Anyway- they are ALL teachers well like 9 out of 10 are...and they were saying things like "...well MY district isn't hiring anyone new.." and "...yeah I feel bad for you guys that are graduating now, it'll be bad for a while" "..people aren't hiring blahh blahh, "there are so many cuts..blah blah"

I just want to be like UGHH I KNOW THAT!!! Shut up. haaaha LIke really??? HOW is that helpful to me at all?! I KNOW it's bad right now, I'm already discouraged..so thanks but I don't need your negative words. GOSH.

I completely just lost it on the ride home and started sobbing.

What a terrible day.
=/

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Bloggiversery and Japan RELIEF

I was thinking about my blog lately and I realized something super exciting... A month from yesterday it will be a WHOLE YEAR since I've been BLOGGING!!! April 25th is my "bloggiversery". How sweet??
It's so awesome because I kept up with my blog for a WHOLE year! I was reading through some of my old posts and it's so awesome to have those memories in words and to remember how I felt during certain things throughout the year. I was even encouraged by some of my own writing. hehe :) It's funny how that can happen.

I think I eventually want to print my blog into a book to have. That would be sweet. :)

I've been feeling pretty darn good since I wrote on Tuesday.

God is AMAZING.

I'm starting to love 6th grade. I'm getting a lot more comfortable there and I think that's the biggest part of it. My coop is really growing on me and I'm starting to really like her. She's so nice to me and we can joke around and laugh and stuff, and it's just fun. Things just happen that make me smile.

I started my persuasive writing unit on Wednesday and it's going AWESOME(ly). I had the students brainstorm good causes and they are so stoked and genuinely excited about their writing topics which is very rewarding to see.

On Friday, out of nowhere, my coop and I got to talking about churches...and denominations and it was sooo GOD. We talked about stuff for like 5-10 minutes and it made my day.

God's love is so amazing. His love always fills me with unspeakable joy and peace. He reminds me that this life can be lived in Him because He gave up His. He shows me how to love others and what I should truly focus my heart towards. :)

On another note... I had this idea one day last week about making little coin purses to sell on Etsy. I want to give all of the profits to the relief effort that is going on in Japan. So, I made my first attempt at one today. Here's a picture.


You can definitely tell it's handmade, but I think it's really good for my first effort. The button holds the purse closed at the top. Cards fit but you have to slip them in sideways.
Would anyone be interested in purchasing this or one like it for $10 from my Etsy shop? ALL of the money I receive from this will go towards the Japan relief effort through a foundation run by Christian missionaries called CRASH. You can read more about them here. CRASHJapan
And by all means, even if you're not interested, check out the website and think about making a donation to help. :)

If you want to contact me about this (or anything else) you can contact me at Kashaff1@gmail.com ! :D I would love to hear from you.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

(PS my mock interview went really well :)))

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Worshiping with abandon

Lately I've been thinking about how everything feels so uncertain. But how life is not about MY circumstance, whether it be good or bad in the given moment but how God is MIGHTY in the midst of all of it.

I feel so stressed out.

I have this "mock" interview tomorrow and I've been getting myself all worked up about it. I've been trying to study the questions and practice my answers as if it's a real interview. I just want to do my best ya know? and I want to make the best impression possible because these people are REAL principles and things...
but really it's in God's hands. He has brought me to this place and He will lead me through the rest. I can hear His still small voice saying "you've practiced enough, just spend some time with me now..."
so that's what I'm doing. I haven't gotten still God time in forever.

I feel so selfish because I know I NEED God on my side for this interview and just this whole teaching thing....but God is so much MORE than all of it. The world is so much bigger and there are so many things and situations I should be putting my time and effort into praying about but here I am worrying about my own selfish situations.

It's hard to feel that God approves of me right now when I don't even make time for Him and when I'm so self-focused. I hate it. I can be so self-centered to my core and I wish I could just be free of those ...chains.

I want to please God more than anything but I feel like I've been constantly doing things that let Him down by my actions and thoughts.

I want to PRAISE God for who He is and worship Him with abandon, NOT because of my circumstance but because of who HE is. I want to pour every piece of my heart to Him simply because He deserves it.

Watch this video it's SO inspiring.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Fill in the blaaanks :)



1. The best deal I've ever gotten is... that's tough to remember but I'm thinking the Children's Dictionary that is basically BRAND new that I got from a yard sale last spring for $1 (..haa yeaaah I'm an eled major)

2. If I were hosting a dinner party and could invite people from my fantasy guest list it would include... Michael Vartan (from Alias), Mother Teresa, Bethany Dillon, Jennifer Garner, Jon Foreman, all of Hillsong. :)

3. Something that inspires me is... Godly music really inspires me. Also the Bible and the glorious creation that God has made. Some of my friends (like all of them) have beautiful hearts and they inspire me. Also really great writers and speakers. AND really amazing teachers. :)

4.If I could only choose to eat one flavor of food for the rest of eternity (sweet, salty, spicy, bitter....) I would have to go with Salty. But that's a hard decision. I have SUCH a sweet tooth but too much sweetness does make me feel sick...eventually.

5. I dream about...literally? I dream about friends and people I interact with, some who I haven't seen in FOREVER. Also completely random stuff. But other than those kinds of dreams..
I dream of the day when my sweet savior comes or I can go to heaven. :) Also being completely myself and the person that God is designing me to be.
I dream of the day when I will understand all these pieces of my life.

6. My weekend will be spent... relaxing, sleeping, writing plans, going to dessert night to hang out with amazing people,shopping for an interview suit, practicing for interviews, anddd playing piano on worship team on Sunday. :)

7. If I could only watch one TV show for the rest of my life it would be... Grey's Anatomy

:)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

As of late

Photobucket


Today I thought I would follow the trend and do an "as of late" monthly post thing...so here it goes. :)

Lately I have been longing for graduation... because 6th grade is not my thing. I love the little kiddos and I have such a heart for the real elementary school day. I don't feel that I belong in this class switching environment. haa... I do think I'll like it better when I get to teach though.

Lately I've been BORED TO TEARS at school. This week is PSSAs. (our state's standardized tests) I do nothing alllll day long. I just sit in the back and try to get work done. Oh I also call bingo if the kids want to play when they are done their tests. hehe :)

Lately I've been drinking orange juice like I breathe air. :)
hahah...maybe that's a bit dramatic. but you get the idea.

Lately I've had some pretty hyper nights. I'm not sure why, but I was always feel so happy and excited at night. The morning on the other hand, is another story. ;)

Monday, March 14, 2011

This is different..

Thanks for the prayers!! :)

I definitely felt a lot more calm today than I was feeling this morning. I was SO nervous!

I introduced myself with a word cloud that I made on Wordle.If you haven't heard of it, check it out. It's AWESOME. and fun. :)

but anyway, I told them a little about me, (verrry little haha) and then asked if they had any questions. There weren't usually more than 1 or 2. (she teaches 4 different classes)Then I made a word cloud to represent each period. Some classes seemed more willing to participate than others. but oh well. It worked out nicely for the most part. The kiddos aren't as old as I imagined them being....if ya know what I mean. ;)

It is verrry different though from my 1st grade placement. Not bad. Just different. Hmmmm. This seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life lately. God must be up to something.

She basically teaches the same science lesson all day, three times..and then a different lesson for language arts. It's strange. Way different feel than an elementary building.

I know there's a reason I'm there though. And it will be for GOOD.

The kids do seem pretty awesome. ya know...I guess. ;)


PS. MY ROOMMATES ARE BACK and this makes me soooooooooooo SO SOOO HAPPY!! :D It's so nice. Really. I love them. :) The end.

Have a blessed week!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sunday night random

This weekend went SO fast.
I'm already back at school and anticipating tomorrow. I start my student teaching in 6th grade tomorrow! I'm nervous and excited and just...in denial I think. heh.
I'll miss 1st grade.

I need to remember that no matter what, God is leading me through it all. He will be my strength.

I feel all kinds of weird right now.

In other news...I bought the new passion CD on itunes today and it was totally worth it. Check it out! It's amazing :)



Have a great Monday all! Pray for me.. :)

Saturday, March 12, 2011

New things

I wish I would have updated this at least once this past week but somehow my nights just got away from me.

Spring break for students was this past week so my roommates were both home while I was still around going to 1st grade everyday. It was weird being by myself all week, but not as bad as I thought it would be. (the nights go quick) I am glad they will be back though this week!

1st grade is now over. :( I'm pretty sad about it. It was the best placement ever. I won't ever forget those kiddos or my coop. They were all SO wonderful.
Yesterday they had a little party for me and they surprised me with cards and a basket full of children's books, professional books, and other things like markers, hand sanitizer, paper clips..etc. It was so nice! My coop also let me photo copy anything of hers that I wanted =) So needless to say, after school (it was a crazy day and the only time was after school) I spent some time in the copy room. ;) I copied a lot, but I decided it was time to leave when it was getting dark and mine was one of 3 cars left in the parking lot. haha.

Here's a picture of me with the class! Best class EVER!


Here's also a picture of me with my goodbye gifts from the kids/teacher..!


I came home for the weekend so that I could pretend I got a spring break too. ;)
This morning I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and stressed. There are just SO many unknowns in my life right now. I have so many thoughts going through my head and I sort of feel like I'm spinning around and around in circles. It's just so much change all at once.
I'm still trying to reflect on my last day and 1st grade time, thinking about all the new changes of 6th grade, where I will live next year, finding a job, working on interviews..etc. It feels like a lot.

I'm so scared of all of this stuff that is so unknown. I'm so confused as to why I'm graduating at a time like this. It's SO bad for teachers right now. Especially in Pennsylvania where I live. Teachers are getting furloughed left and right and here I am newly graduating. Of course I want a job, but it's starting to seem less and less realistic and it's really confusing. Why NOW? Right now when I'm graduating is the time when public education is becoming a state of chaos..? I want to say how come God? Why now? It doesn't make sense?

As I was praying this morning I heard God reassuring me to TRUST Him. He knows the way. It doesn't make sense to me, but He is still the one leading. I heard Him reminding me to rely on His strength. As I spent more and more time praying and paging through my Bible I started to feel better and less overwhelmed. It's so neat how God puts things in perspective when we bring them to Him.
He filled me with peace and made the "room stand still". :)

"Great the Lord and highly to be praised; and His greatness is so vast and deep as to be unsearchable." Psalm 145:3

"Great is our Lord and of great power. His understanding is inexhaustible and boundless." Psalm 147:5

Also- I'm really loving this memorizing scripture verses idea. It's amazing how breaking down the verses really helps to understand the verse even more. I'm posted my march verses today. :)

Happy weekend!

(Ps. How do you feel about my blog redesign? I was experimenting with wordle for a way to introduce myself in 6th grade and found that I could make one from the words in my blog! How neat?! So I made a new header and then revamped the whole thing because nothing else matched!)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Bitter sweet

I have a lot on my mind right now.

There are so many scattered thoughts just swimming around in this brain of my mine right now and I'm blogging to sort through them...or attempt to anyway.

This week at school is over for me. Tomorrow student teachers have this mandatory interviewing seminar so we have to go to that. It's in the morning and then IF we have a second placement (which I do) we meet with our new supervisor in the afternoon some time.

Next week is my LAST week student teaching in 1st grade. =/ It's going to be so sad come next Friday. My teacher told the students that I wouldn't be there tomorrow because of this thing tomorrow and a bunch of them came and gave me hugs..haa and they were like I don't want you to leave. ughh...I might cry. hah.

At the same time, I was SO beyond THRILLED for this week to be over because now I'm done teaching in that room. Like I said, some of those behaviors were a lot to handle and felt like too much at times...mehh. idk. Next week I'll just be meeting one on one with kiddos and doing things for my teacher. It will be a nice transition time.

Honestly, I'm very surprised to say that I'm looking forward to my next placement. (??!?) I can't believe it. I don't know where on earth these feelings are coming from but they are there. Let me just tell you, when I found out my placements in Novemebr and I realized this second placement was in 6th grade and that it was MIDDLE school style- I was not happy. (to say the least)

Okay....honesty hour.
I was crying. hah. Yeah. I did that. I even emailed the placement office and asked if they could please switch me.
They said no. (my cert is from K-6 so it is a valid placement blah blah)

but ANYWAY-now I'm happy about it!! The school is all 6th grade. It should be a very interesting experience and I'm really looking forward to it.

So yes, I'm very sad to leave first grade and my SUPER AMAZING coop, but I am excited for this new placement. Having just one really does get old. I can't really imagine being there until May.

So that's that.

I'm super, pumped for this weekend! I'm getting to see (hopefully) two of best friends :) :)
I'm stoked. SO so so stoked.
I haven't seen both in a while and it'll be oh so sweet to catch up and laugh and have fun with each of them.

I'm still so in awe of God.

I haven't gotten as much time with Him this week as I did last week. :( But besides that I still feel joy and peace and just...settled.

Today my supervisor came to observe my math lesson and I was nervous. She emailed me my mid-placement evaluation (which was DUE on Feb 14 *ahem*) and I saw that it wasn't too great. or kind. So I wasn't excited about her coming. God totally reassured my heart though. He just reminded me that it doesn't matter what she thinks really. Ultimately I find my worth in God and others' judgements don't make me or change who I am as a person.

I can do ANYTHING in God. Think about that statement. Really think about it.
It doesn't matter if I mess up. Tomorrow is always a new day I can keep striving to be my best. Every day. And every. single. day. God is WITH me. Helping me. and bringing me comfort, joy, peace, love and SO much moreee. :)

Time goes too fast. It makes me kind of sad and mixed up..=/ It's GOOD. but mehh, it's scary and I want time to slow down.

sighh... hope everyone had a fabulous Thursday!