I keep thinking about things to write, and then I don't for a day, and move on to something "else" in my brain, and then it is too late to write about it... make sense?
I think I've also been avoiding my lil old blog, because I don't want to be a downer and don't know how to put to words what exactly I've been feeling.
I feel so condemned. and I've felt so condemned lately. It took me way too long to realize the voice I've been hearing, the one whispering that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm failing...isn't God's voice and it isn't truth. It's lies, and even now it's hard to believe.
I feel so much shame for how I'm living my life.
Like it's all about me.
I haven't been spending any time in God's word, but I'm to the point of feeling like God hates me or something, like He's mad...because I continually choose other things...stupid, fleeting things over Him. Why would He choose me? Why would He want to be a part of my fleeting life?
I'm nothing.
I feel so confused by books like "Radical" that make it seem that we as Christians are failing....the underlying message that I hear when I read books like that is "God isn't loving!" "God doesn't love you!" "What you do is ALL wrong" "You're WRONG!"
I got about 3 pages in and it's ridiculous. I know books like that are supposed to convict...but I feel condemned, and I've learned that those are two VERY different words.
And then there are books like "Grace Walk" that share the message "God loves you!" "You are covered in GRACE!" "All you need to do is spend time with Him!" "the relationship is most important!".
So where is the middle ground in these two extremes?
Is God loving? or does He hate what I do? Does He always look at me in disgust because I'm so wrong?
I can't wrap my head around how these books contradict each other and where the truth lies.
I feel like such a failure and I need the truth.
What I do know is that God doesn't exist to get me shiny new things. He doesn't exist to find me a job. To help me get an apartment. He doesn't exist to develop my future. for me, me, me...
It's not about ME.
I'm just overly confused. And overwhelmed.
He has a perfect plan! Just believe! :)
ReplyDeleteFirst - you are not alone, and you are NOT the only one who feels these things. I have felt them all myself. Second - God does love us. There is nothing we can do to escape His love. If we lived a life of radical living and went with nothing we would still not be good enough for the Lord. He alone is good. Even when someone tried to call Jesus good he said not to call him that - only God is good. There is no amount of radical living that we can do to make ourselves good enough. Even in our best days, we are still full of sin. That is why we NEED a savior. Once we come to God and try to have a relationship with him based on what we have done, we have in our minds taken Christ's grace away from us and in our minds we are uncovered. How can we stand before God on our own?? Without Christ's sacrifice covering us? Mind you - Christ NEVER leaves us, but we can feel as though we are uncovered by His grace, and that is exactly what Satan is trying to do - make us feel like we are uncovered. In Revelation, one of Satan's names is accuser. So any sort of accusation you feel is NOT from God. He has come to SAVE us and NOT to condemn us. When you wake up try a simple prayer. For example - God I know you love me. Thank you for Jesus who covers me so I can come before you blameless and pure and be in fellowship with you. Bring me opportunities today where I can serve and help someone else. Place in my path who you want me to connect with today...and then trust and wait for whatever God brings you. Some days you will feel like - wow! God really showed me so much today, other days you will feel like - huh. Today seemed pretty normal without much activity from God. There is no special formula, but if you've thanked God for Christ's blood and the fellowship you share, and you've asked Him to bring in your path what He wants brought in your path for that day -then you KNOW whatever you did that day and whatever He gave you is exactly what was purposed.
ReplyDeleteLet His presence be your passion. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. Forget the books telling you what to do and how to get closer to God. God simply said - draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. Simple. Praying for you sister.
Amen to what she said.
ReplyDeleteBooks can be great resources and God can definitely use them to teach us, but they can be flawed since they are written by human hands and hearts. God's word is never flawed and is our ultimate source.
He's molding and shaping you Kari in everything. He knows exactly what you need and where you're headed. He loves you UNCONDITIONALLY- no matter what you do. His love is not dependent on our works or even on how much we love Him. He desires for us to be with Him. When we seek to know Him and spend that good relationship-growing time with Him it starts to overflow into all the other areas of our lives. These truths are truths that I think we all need to be reminded of often, I know I do.
I love you friend, and am so blessed by your friendship keep seeking Him!
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." Psalm 37:4-6