Carry Me

Amen to that. 

Dreams....

I had the strangest dream last night and I want to write about it.

I was driving on some highway and I saw a gigantic truck up ahead. (we're not talking your normal truck) it was like triple the size of something you'd normally see on the road. As I got closer and closer I could tell that the air around me was quickly filling up with something like brown dust/stones and all of a sudden....I couldn't see. I couldn't see the road or cars or anything, I tried to keep the car straight hoping to get through this cloud of whatever... and then I crashed.

When everything cleared I could see that there was something like snow all over the road, but really it was more like slushy dirt. I kept trying to drive straight but I couldn't. I couldn't get back on the road even as the other cars around me seemed to be doing fine.

I think it's so neat the way our dreams carry our emotions out in stories that our brains just...create.

This is what I found online..
If you are driving and can’t see the road ahead it’s a sign that you do not know where you are headed in life or don’t know what to expect in the near future.

Um. BINGO. I feel like this everyday. 

I feel so lost sometimes. I have no idea what I want to do with myself or with my life. 

I have to say... the hardest thing to deal with in teaching, that I never considered, is the feeling of judgement I constantly get from other people. (...at least that is what it feels like on my end) 
It's no question first year of teaching is not easy. It's just not. For anyone. 
The most upset I ever get though is when I feel like others are judging my ability to do this...and not in a good way. I'm sure my personality plays a part in that too though, and the insecurities I already feel in myself. 
It creates such a struggle for me because I try SO hard. It feels like I give it my all but that it still isn't good enough. I just want to be great at this profession but the steps to get there.....the stretching....just hurts. A lot. Can I even get there? 

I always, always tell people (mostly in interviews) that my strength is constructive criticism. I appreciate it because otherwise I can't grow and I can't improve myself. Sometimes it just feels like I'm expected to be better, to DO better than I am.... I make mistakes ALL the time, but what first year teacher doesn't? I'm only human. I'm certainly not perfect. I'm really trying though.... even though it doesn't seem to be good enough. It's the worst feeling when you give something your all....and you still fail. And what does that say about what you're trying to do? 

Thoughts for a Saturday morning.... 
Off to clean like crazy! My place is wreck.  

Your will be done

Today when I looked at the weather app on my phone it said 77 degrees. =]
It made me smile, because 77 degrees is flippin awesome and because I like 7's....

but anywho.

I went to a church called Manna for the second time today. I really like it there. The worship is AAAmazing.
It brought me to tears again...
We were singing " Forever Reign" and a man was praying about the hard things we are each dealing with and giving them up to God and such... How He knows each of our hearts, He knows our struggles... praying for His will to be done.
The message was good too. (even though it was on a scren..ha) I think I can live with that.

If you know me at all, you probably know that I have a love for reading and can usually devour books in a matter of days...(thanks mom for passing this on to me! ha)
Right now, I'm reading a book called "The Storyteller" by Jodi Piccoult. She is by FAR my favorite author... I've read more than ten of her books and love every one.

This one is soo good, but also very upsetting. It's about the Holocaust.
Before reading, I had no idea what it was about. It is very touching, shocking, and devastating to be reminded about the acts committed in Poland from 1940-1945.
Some parts have been so hard to read especially knowing that this actually happened. People suffered and died in countless inhumane, evil acts.... ugh.
Tomorrow is April 15th and it has been 68 years since one of the work camps Bergen-Belsen was liberated on April 15th, 1945.

Just crazy.


"You are free, they said over the loudspeakers in English, in German, in Yiddish, in Polish. You are free, be calm. Food is coming. Help is on the way." -the storyteller

"...I know how powerful a story can be. It can change the course of history. It can save a life. But it can also be a sinkhole, a quick sand in which you become stuck. ....Truth is so much harder than fiction." -The Storyteller

Um....are you talking to me?

My students call me a few different names.
Most call me Miss Shaffer. (pronounced Miss shay' fur')
Some call me Miss Shaf-ur
Some just say Miss...
Some just say Teacher....
Some even combine those two and say Miss Teacher....
(Of course I don't respond to the the last three!)

I just think it's kind of interesting.....;)

Miss teacher?? Really? ha.

..and the beat goes on.

First day back after break wasn't so bad. (I think because I was expecting the absolute WORST...ha. It's all about expectations people)
I was really nervous about it. I felt more nervous than I did even on my very first day EVER....(well sort of) I think because then, I didn't know what I was walking into. Ignorance is bliss, right?

My morning class was honestly so tired that they didn't speak hardly at all. It was awesome. HA! Too early for them after sleeping all break I guess. They did really well though and I felt proud of them.

My afternoon group was a mess...... just. a. mess. They talk constantly. You wouldn't even know I was in front of them trying to TEACH, because at times I feel like they act like I'm not there TRYING to TALK. gah. What do I have to do, juggle?! it was rough. But also a really unstructured day and part of it I'm putting on me because I feel like I wasn't transitioning well. At least, not well enough for THIS type of class.

Things that went on:
During read a loud one boy took his shoe completely off, decided to smell it and act like the odor made him pass out. Yeah. Thanks man, you just messed up all your classmates.
One girl's eye swelled completely up at lunch for no apparent reason.
Another one fell off the bars on the playground and got a pretty nice sized lump on her arm.
One boy thought it would be funny to push in a button on the school bus while we were practicing procedures this morning and a sound filled our ears like that of air coming out of a tire. Followed by my students telling me that "so and so" popped the tire with his pencil! (come on, REALLY?! )

As bad behaved as they are, I really feel like I love these kids.
crazy. don't get it.

Even though it was a little rough, I still felt kind of good about today...

Hello there, yellow

I woke up this morning to a world covered (drenched) in pollen.
This is what it looks like.

Why, yes. Those ARE foot prints in pollen. 

Back to school tomorrow.....

NooOOooooooooo!!!