Dreams....

I had the strangest dream last night and I want to write about it.

I was driving on some highway and I saw a gigantic truck up ahead. (we're not talking your normal truck) it was like triple the size of something you'd normally see on the road. As I got closer and closer I could tell that the air around me was quickly filling up with something like brown dust/stones and all of a sudden....I couldn't see. I couldn't see the road or cars or anything, I tried to keep the car straight hoping to get through this cloud of whatever... and then I crashed.

When everything cleared I could see that there was something like snow all over the road, but really it was more like slushy dirt. I kept trying to drive straight but I couldn't. I couldn't get back on the road even as the other cars around me seemed to be doing fine.

I think it's so neat the way our dreams carry our emotions out in stories that our brains just...create.

This is what I found online..
If you are driving and can’t see the road ahead it’s a sign that you do not know where you are headed in life or don’t know what to expect in the near future.

Um. BINGO. I feel like this everyday. 

I feel so lost sometimes. I have no idea what I want to do with myself or with my life. 

I have to say... the hardest thing to deal with in teaching, that I never considered, is the feeling of judgement I constantly get from other people. (...at least that is what it feels like on my end) 
It's no question first year of teaching is not easy. It's just not. For anyone. 
The most upset I ever get though is when I feel like others are judging my ability to do this...and not in a good way. I'm sure my personality plays a part in that too though, and the insecurities I already feel in myself. 
It creates such a struggle for me because I try SO hard. It feels like I give it my all but that it still isn't good enough. I just want to be great at this profession but the steps to get there.....the stretching....just hurts. A lot. Can I even get there? 

I always, always tell people (mostly in interviews) that my strength is constructive criticism. I appreciate it because otherwise I can't grow and I can't improve myself. Sometimes it just feels like I'm expected to be better, to DO better than I am.... I make mistakes ALL the time, but what first year teacher doesn't? I'm only human. I'm certainly not perfect. I'm really trying though.... even though it doesn't seem to be good enough. It's the worst feeling when you give something your all....and you still fail. And what does that say about what you're trying to do? 

Thoughts for a Saturday morning.... 
Off to clean like crazy! My place is wreck.