This past week (last week..I should say) were j-block midterms. They were sort of brutal. We had classes on Monday and Tuesday and then 2 midterms each on Wednesday and Thursday. They were really tough, and I DID study like crazy. I studied all afternoon Tuesday and literally ALL day Wednesday, bleh. I'm so glad they're over...but at the same time nervous about the grades.
I feel like I've been on one of those "up-swings" for a while until recently. =/ I don't know what happened but it always happens I guess. Last week wasn't fun because of those tests and my cold, and right now it's fall BREAK even though it should be called anything but that. It doesn't feel like a break with all the work I've been doing today.
I feel like I've been overly distracted by other things in my life weighing on me and I haven't been coming to God enough. I just want to relax, but I'm so stressed out. :( Today a UCF newsletter was in my inbox and Kathi had written something that I can SO relate to today. That I'm distracted by life and failing to give God the attention that He SO deserves. She said it's all about Him and we tend to forget it amongst the things going on in our lives.
Lately this deep fear I have of being alone in life has been building and building and when I got home on Saturday night I felt the worst I've felt in a really long time. I HATE feelings of self-pity but I felt so worthless. Or like something MUST be wrong with me. If this doesn't make sense, put it in this context: I was at a bridal shower where allll of my friends were either married or getting married, and then I look at my own life and I'm nowhere near it right now. I know, I know, it's all well and good, I'm 21 years old, I have plenty of time, God knows... but I still broke down and I felt like crap.
This is going to sound so wrong but sometimes I feel mad at God for it. It tears me apart that I have to have such a strong desire for marriage, and a family of my own just to wait and wait....and wait some more, and meanwhile watch all of my friends (okay most of my friends) start dating, or getting engaged and married. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one or like God's forgotten about me, or just doesn't care about me. I just feel like "what about me God?"
Now let me just say a few things for the record..
1. This is so extremely personal and I'm really putting myself "out there" posting this sort of thing on my blog.
2. I know with my whole heart that this is entirely selfish.
3. I also know with my whole heart that God DOES have a plan for me. Most of the time I can trust God's plan and I'm even excited about it, but
sometimes I also think Satan really gets to me about this great fear. There are times when it all feels so frustrating and I just don't get it at all.
I understand the waiting part but it almost feels like a joke that everyone(okay again, seemingly everyone) around me has what I so badly want for myself.
So that said, Saturday night, NO good. I was a mess.
I went to sleep pretty early because I felt so drained. Here's where the dreams part from my title comes in...
I dreamed about a big ocean and water like ALL night. At least the dreams I can remember. I rarely look up meanings for dreams that I have...and when I say rarely I mean close to never have I done it before. But these dreams so effected me that I looked them up on my computer before church on Sunday.
In one of the dreams I was in a pretty calm ocean (water EVERYWHERE) and my friends were there too. They were floating in the back, but I kept diving and coming back up and bobbing all over the place. They were watching me wondering what on earth I was doing.
The other couple dreams were all about BIG waves. I mean these things were tsunamis. This time I had a house (or at least a room in a house) and me and the couple friends in my dream kept getting warnings about these torrential waters coming, more than warnings though we sort of just knew they were coming. (it was a dream okay ha) It was so scary, I could see the HUGE wall of water and I knew it would crash down on me and in my dream I was trying to figure out how to protect myself. I went under as the wave came (sort of like I do in the ocean in real life to not get pummeled heh) and it still had me tossed a lot. For parts of the dream I was just in this rough sea, being tossed by all these ginormous waves. Then I went to my house/room and it was completely destroyed. At one point I think it even caught fire.. ? Go figure. I sort of remember trying to rebuild it too.
Anyway-I woke up and I was like whoa...I need to look up the meaning for big waves.
This is what I found:
Waves
The waves in dreams may represent emotional fluctuations. If you are currently experiencing a period of tranquillity and peace, you may be dreaming about calm waters and gentle ocean waves. This dream suggests that you may be gathering energy and recharging emotionally. However, more commonly people dream of violent and dangerous tidal waves. Tidal waves or tsunamis suggest a period of emotional upheaval. Anxiety, stress, and unconscious materials may be coming to the surface and affecting your daily moods. Giant tidal waves may symbolize current emotional unhappiness and psychological stress, which are threatening to destroy you. The outcome of this dream may reveal how much strength you have to "ride out" personal storms. For example, surviving the tidal wave suggests that you have enough strength to overcome challenges and drowning that you may be "in it over your head" and should seek assistance.
Water
Water is a very common but powerful dream symbol. Its meaning varies with the details and the mood of the dream. Water is a deeply spiritual symbol representing the "water of life" or the "flow of life." Large bodies of water usually represent our unconscious minds or/and soul experiences. Water symbolizes emotions (rough, smooth, clear, murky, etc.)
First of all, howw CRAZY is that?! I definitely felt anxiety, stress, and emotional "upheaval" that night.. It's amazing that the brain can turn emotions into things like THAT. The thing that really struck me the most about the interpretations was the part that says water is "deeply spiritual"....um. okay. wow.
The CRAZIEST part of all is that I left for church, and the sermon yesterday was ALL about WATER AND WAVES!!!!!
I. could. not. comprehend. it.
I still haven't.
I'm convinced that God was speaking to me. I've heard that He speaks through dreams and just the fact of that sermon on that morning, when I had already looked it up on my computer before church!... AHHH!!!
Now okay, the sermon covered more than just waves.. but that's obviously the part that stuck out most to me.
The main scripture for the morning was psalm 93.
The parts that stuck out for me were:
3The floods have lifted up, O Lord, the floods have lifted up their voice; the floods lift up the roaring of their waves.
4The Lord on high is mightier and more glorious than the noise of many waters, yes, than the mighty breakers and waves of the sea.
5Your testimonies are very sure; holiness [apparent in separation from sin, with simple trust and hearty obedience] is becoming to Your house, O Lord, forever.
wow. I wish I could get a recording of that sermon because I feel like I might have missed something or forgotten some already.
Here are the notes I wrote down straight from the pastor's mouth:
-Water represents God and His plan.
-Wind, and water represent evil standing in the way of God. The God of the UNIVERSE is MORE powerful than these waters.
-Sea represents evil, wickedness, suffering, death
-The Father keeps His promises, He calms the sea, He wipes away the tears from our eyes
-Our God is mightier, He has the power to calm the waters.
-He is MIGHTIER than the crashing of the sea
-Our God comforts us
It might seem a bit repetitive but that's only because he was really driving these same points home.
He also discussed Rev 21.. it's one of my favorite passages from revelation. He talked about how in verse 1 it says the former earth, and sky passed away and there was no longer any SEA. It was awesome how it all clicked. There wasn't a sea because it represents suffering, and death.
Mark 4:35- was also included. It's when Jesus calms the storm. :) The wind and the waves are crashing into the boat, and the disciples are scared. They doubt that Jesus cares about them and Jesus says "Why are you so afraid, have you still no faith?"
What a comfort and peace God brought to my heart through this. I'm still SO AMAZED even just reading through this. That is no coincidence, that's God. The fact that He would even still WANT to reassure me and comfort me when I'm in one of my most selfish states is appalling.
I could write so much more about this but I don't want it to be too much longer.
I've learned that when you "step off" the ride with Jesus, (when you aren't walking as closely with Him), look out, because you are leaving yourself open for spiritual attack, and that's exactly what's been happening to me I feel. Thank goodness Jesus always pulls me back.
No comments:
Post a Comment