The human mind is a strange thing.
I'm not sure how or why it is possible to feel so many emotions at one time, but that's pretty much where I'm at right now.
I AM excited to go back, more than anything else. I guess.
At the same time though, I feel sort of nervous...and a little anxious.
What the heck?
I really want to be excited but I could do without the nervous/anxious part added in there too.
Oh well.
Tomorrow will be a day of packing and running some last minute errands.
Senior year here I come.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sometimes things click
Last night I was journaling a bit. (More like writing out my prayer to God)
I love doing it because I feel like I can "talk" about whatever and just pour out my heart to Him and He'll listen. The same goes with unwritten prayers of course, but there's something special I find in just writing it all down.
For me personally, it is just plain awesome how God guides my heart and my mind when I'm actually writing down my thoughts. It never ceases to amaze me the vast amount of ways that the Lord speaks to us. Each way is solely personal too, which is awesome. He speaks to us in a way that He knows WE will understand, if only we will listen.
Last night was one of those moments when something really clicked for me and I was able to make a connection between different thoughts I've had.
That might not make sense, but I just knew God was speaking and it made my heart so happy. :)
I love doing it because I feel like I can "talk" about whatever and just pour out my heart to Him and He'll listen. The same goes with unwritten prayers of course, but there's something special I find in just writing it all down.
For me personally, it is just plain awesome how God guides my heart and my mind when I'm actually writing down my thoughts. It never ceases to amaze me the vast amount of ways that the Lord speaks to us. Each way is solely personal too, which is awesome. He speaks to us in a way that He knows WE will understand, if only we will listen.
Last night was one of those moments when something really clicked for me and I was able to make a connection between different thoughts I've had.
That might not make sense, but I just knew God was speaking and it made my heart so happy. :)
Friday, August 20, 2010
God is greater than the greatest of sunsets
Today was the last day of camp.
It's bitter sweet I guess but I'm more sad then anything.
I c a n n o t believe it's over already. I feel like I was just up at night thinking about training weekend and now it's all done. The whole summer happened already. How does that happen?
I wrote a bunch of posts at the beginning of the summer about how different this summer was going to be. I was dreading the change-like quality of it weeks before my classes were over. I thought about and anticipated every little thing that would be different.
And you know what?
It WAS different. It was very different.
but....it wasn't bad.
What?? It was different but it WASN'T bad..!
Let this be a lesson for myself.
This was the best summer I've had yet at Carson Simpson, out of the other couple years I've worked there. The staff was SO great this year. It really felt like everyone was a team and we worked so well together. It was so fun to watch everyone day after day, encourage each other, and be silly but still get things done at the same time.
It was harder to leave this year because unlike the other years, I'm not entirely sure I'll be back next year.
I'm so amazed at how God worked this year at camp and I'm praising Him for working through it all.
I went on a walk tonight and it was really nice. (more about the walk later)I realized that this year, almost more than any other year, I really don't want to leave home and go back to school. I think, more than anything, this is because I know it's my last year, and I know when it starts it'll F L Y by. So if it never starts...it can never end! eh? (soo...in that logic, I don't want it to start at all. Ever. )
because like I already talked about in my other posts...I'm scared for the big life change that comes after college.
BUT, back to my walk.
I don't know why but I really felt like going for a walk, so I walked up to the park. I didn't really think about it before I left, but it just so happens that I started walking around sunset time. (My favorite!)
It was such a refreshing walk. I had some good think-time, good God-time, not to mention some exercise=)
It was exactly what I needed.
I love the way the summer air smells, and the green grass, and the quietness of a walk by yourself.
After I got to the park I found a big rock to sit on and I started to watch the sunset. It was GORGEOUS. Sunsets take my breath away every time. And to think, this is just one small piece of God and His greatness. He is so much greater than the greatest of sunsets!
I got to thinking about how sunsets are like God in a couple of different ways.
When I was walking to the park I was walking in the direction of the sunset. It was so nice because I could walk forward and I was able to gaze at the amazing beauty directly in front of me. I could see it the whole way to the park.
Eventually I got to a point where I wanted to turn around and start walking back the other way.
It was then that I realized the other way just wasn't as good, or beautiful/refreshing, because I could no longer see the sun. It was behind me. I was walking away from it in the other direction. Simply put, the walk was so much better going the other way! It hit me that this is just like God. When we walk towards Him, having Him in full view, it makes the "walk" so much better. When we have our backs to God or we can't see Him anymore things just aren't as good. If we aren't standing in awe of God, what are we doing? What else are we walking towards if not Him?
So as I started walking back I kept taking glances behind me so that I could see the sunset more. This is when I realized, the farther away I got, the more magnificent it all looked. When I could see more of this glorious creation it put me in even more awe and I just had to turn around and stare at it.
God is HUGE. He is so big that words do not do Him justice. We only hold a small piece of Him in our minds. The more we grasp of God and who He is, the more He puts US in awe. When we can SEE more of Him, when we can take in more clearly all that He is,we are that much more amazed at His beauty and majesty.
More than anything it made me think of Heaven. When we get there we'll be able to see and know ALL of who God is.(We'll be able to see that WHOLE sunset) Instead of just a small piece, we will be able to see all of Him! Praise Jesus! =)
12For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [e]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [f]fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been [g]fully and clearly known and understood [[h]by God]. 1 Corinthians 13:12 (amp)
Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." 9Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, 10the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
11"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being." Rev. 4:8-11
It's bitter sweet I guess but I'm more sad then anything.
I c a n n o t believe it's over already. I feel like I was just up at night thinking about training weekend and now it's all done. The whole summer happened already. How does that happen?
I wrote a bunch of posts at the beginning of the summer about how different this summer was going to be. I was dreading the change-like quality of it weeks before my classes were over. I thought about and anticipated every little thing that would be different.
And you know what?
It WAS different. It was very different.
but....it wasn't bad.
What?? It was different but it WASN'T bad..!
Let this be a lesson for myself.
This was the best summer I've had yet at Carson Simpson, out of the other couple years I've worked there. The staff was SO great this year. It really felt like everyone was a team and we worked so well together. It was so fun to watch everyone day after day, encourage each other, and be silly but still get things done at the same time.
It was harder to leave this year because unlike the other years, I'm not entirely sure I'll be back next year.
I'm so amazed at how God worked this year at camp and I'm praising Him for working through it all.
I went on a walk tonight and it was really nice. (more about the walk later)I realized that this year, almost more than any other year, I really don't want to leave home and go back to school. I think, more than anything, this is because I know it's my last year, and I know when it starts it'll F L Y by. So if it never starts...it can never end! eh? (soo...in that logic, I don't want it to start at all. Ever. )
because like I already talked about in my other posts...I'm scared for the big life change that comes after college.
BUT, back to my walk.
I don't know why but I really felt like going for a walk, so I walked up to the park. I didn't really think about it before I left, but it just so happens that I started walking around sunset time. (My favorite!)
It was such a refreshing walk. I had some good think-time, good God-time, not to mention some exercise=)
It was exactly what I needed.
I love the way the summer air smells, and the green grass, and the quietness of a walk by yourself.
After I got to the park I found a big rock to sit on and I started to watch the sunset. It was GORGEOUS. Sunsets take my breath away every time. And to think, this is just one small piece of God and His greatness. He is so much greater than the greatest of sunsets!
I got to thinking about how sunsets are like God in a couple of different ways.
When I was walking to the park I was walking in the direction of the sunset. It was so nice because I could walk forward and I was able to gaze at the amazing beauty directly in front of me. I could see it the whole way to the park.
Eventually I got to a point where I wanted to turn around and start walking back the other way.
It was then that I realized the other way just wasn't as good, or beautiful/refreshing, because I could no longer see the sun. It was behind me. I was walking away from it in the other direction. Simply put, the walk was so much better going the other way! It hit me that this is just like God. When we walk towards Him, having Him in full view, it makes the "walk" so much better. When we have our backs to God or we can't see Him anymore things just aren't as good. If we aren't standing in awe of God, what are we doing? What else are we walking towards if not Him?
So as I started walking back I kept taking glances behind me so that I could see the sunset more. This is when I realized, the farther away I got, the more magnificent it all looked. When I could see more of this glorious creation it put me in even more awe and I just had to turn around and stare at it.
God is HUGE. He is so big that words do not do Him justice. We only hold a small piece of Him in our minds. The more we grasp of God and who He is, the more He puts US in awe. When we can SEE more of Him, when we can take in more clearly all that He is,we are that much more amazed at His beauty and majesty.
More than anything it made me think of Heaven. When we get there we'll be able to see and know ALL of who God is.(We'll be able to see that WHOLE sunset) Instead of just a small piece, we will be able to see all of Him! Praise Jesus! =)
12For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [e]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [f]fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been [g]fully and clearly known and understood [[h]by God]. 1 Corinthians 13:12 (amp)
Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." 9Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, 10the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
11"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being." Rev. 4:8-11
Friday, August 13, 2010
I wish I were more brave.
Summer is ending. It's almost over. The reality is beginning to hit me, and I don't like it.
You would think that this being my FOURTH year of college and all, this whole leaving home business would be easier. But...for me, it's just not.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about when I was a kid. Things were so much easier back then. I miss it so much. I think mostly miss it because it was SO comfortable. I totally took it for granted back then, like all kids do. I remember my dad always telling me "You should enjoy being a kid..!" whenever I would complain about anything. I was like...okay...I will. Really though, I think we can never really cherish that time in our lives until we're older and it's gone.
(That sounds really depressing and I don't mean it to, but I think it's reality.)
Sometimes I'm scared to death of life.
There is not an ounce of me that wants to go back to school. (okay...mayybe a little teeny weeny one) Being home is SO comfortable. I feel so...safe here. I miss the times of really relying on my parents. In my mind I was ALWAYS safe and sound. It didn't matter where I was, or what I was doing, I trusted that my parents would be there to protect me. (Don't get me wrong, I do like my independence) I specifically remember the exact moment I had the realization that my parents couldn't keep me as safe and sound as I always believed. They weren't unbreakable, they were just human like me. It was a scary realization.
I'm mostly thinking about this a lot because this year is my SENIOR year of college...and unlike most of my friends I AM graduating on time. The thought of that really freaks me out because I'm like....an adult. ew. I'm terrified and I just want to do everything I can to run in the other direction.
In my mind when something is unknown, it is always going to be bad. No matter what, I'll be alone in wherever my life goes. I HATE that I think this way but it just happens. I have no idea what life will be like after I graduate, therefore it will be bad. I don't know if I'll be able to find a job, therefore I won't ever find one. It's like ughhh..
You're probably thinking "where the heck is your TRUST Kari??" but I really do trust God, it's just that sometimes I'm still scared.
If I'm not scared I'm still freaking out about the approaching "change" of this year.
It's like it looms over me.
I know change is coming. It's not even HERE yet. But it has me all flustered already because I DON'T LIKE CHANGE.
I don't think I will ever understand why change is so hard for me, but I have a feeling it always will be. Good or not.
This post is not at all meant to reflect how I feel about God's character, it's just how I'm feeling right now.
I wish I were more brave.
Summer is ending. It's almost over. The reality is beginning to hit me, and I don't like it.
You would think that this being my FOURTH year of college and all, this whole leaving home business would be easier. But...for me, it's just not.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about when I was a kid. Things were so much easier back then. I miss it so much. I think mostly miss it because it was SO comfortable. I totally took it for granted back then, like all kids do. I remember my dad always telling me "You should enjoy being a kid..!" whenever I would complain about anything. I was like...okay...I will. Really though, I think we can never really cherish that time in our lives until we're older and it's gone.
(That sounds really depressing and I don't mean it to, but I think it's reality.)
Sometimes I'm scared to death of life.
There is not an ounce of me that wants to go back to school. (okay...mayybe a little teeny weeny one) Being home is SO comfortable. I feel so...safe here. I miss the times of really relying on my parents. In my mind I was ALWAYS safe and sound. It didn't matter where I was, or what I was doing, I trusted that my parents would be there to protect me. (Don't get me wrong, I do like my independence) I specifically remember the exact moment I had the realization that my parents couldn't keep me as safe and sound as I always believed. They weren't unbreakable, they were just human like me. It was a scary realization.
I'm mostly thinking about this a lot because this year is my SENIOR year of college...and unlike most of my friends I AM graduating on time. The thought of that really freaks me out because I'm like....an adult. ew. I'm terrified and I just want to do everything I can to run in the other direction.
In my mind when something is unknown, it is always going to be bad. No matter what, I'll be alone in wherever my life goes. I HATE that I think this way but it just happens. I have no idea what life will be like after I graduate, therefore it will be bad. I don't know if I'll be able to find a job, therefore I won't ever find one. It's like ughhh..
You're probably thinking "where the heck is your TRUST Kari??" but I really do trust God, it's just that sometimes I'm still scared.
If I'm not scared I'm still freaking out about the approaching "change" of this year.
It's like it looms over me.
I know change is coming. It's not even HERE yet. But it has me all flustered already because I DON'T LIKE CHANGE.
I don't think I will ever understand why change is so hard for me, but I have a feeling it always will be. Good or not.
This post is not at all meant to reflect how I feel about God's character, it's just how I'm feeling right now.
I wish I were more brave.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Expectations
Happy August!
I cannot believe how fast this summer is going...I know I always say that but I'm still constantly shocked by it!
I'm back from Swatara! Thanks to anyone who was praying for me:) It was...different than expected. When I got there I found out from several different people that it was their last full week of camp there. This was sort of a negative in my mind because all the staff had already gone through their full summer together. They were already close, they'd already been through lots of 'stuff' together and they had the routines and everything down like no ones business. And then here comes me, new to
e v e r y t h i n g this camp has to offer. haa..it makes me laugh a little inside because it's so crazy.
It only took me a day or so to feel really confident in the schedule and things which was good. A typical day there was a lot like a day at Carson Simpson. They had Bible, nature, arts and crafts...etc. They also had lots of added things like "change of pace", which was, by far, my favorite part of the whole day because I got to lay down and nap if I wanted =) haa that sounds terrible that THAT was my favorite part but I did like other stuff of course;)
One of my favorite nights there was one where I got to read to the girls. I read them "You are special" and talked with them a little about it. After I read it a couple of the girls were like "read another one!!!". They were so excited and they were silent when I was reading to them, it was a great feeling. Before I started reading the second book they were chatty and around the cabin getting ready for bed...and then when I sat down on the floor in the middle they were like "..she's starting the book!!!" and they all listened again. I don't know why but I really loved it. This was also the night that I took my guitar out and started playing a little bit. The girls loved it. They were like moths to a light bulb when I played. They would all circle around me and just stand there transfixed and staring in awe..hah. It was cool. A lot of them told me they really liked it and they wanted me to play them to sleep. :)It was a great night. A fav by far :D I was so thankful to God for that time.
It was especially great because the day or so before I was having sort of a hard time. Like I said, the staff there were already very connected and I felt really disconnected from them and out of my element. I'm a shy person anyway, but especially in a situation where everyone but me is close is difficult. (I'd imagine this is hard for anyone) It's not like I didn't try either...I did, but it's not like you get close with a person you don't know overnight. The first day I was thinking to myself
"why on earth am I here?" " They don't need me here.." and I was just wishing I hadn't signed up for it. It was good in some ways because I prayed about it every night and told God how disconnected I felt from everyone. And it DID get better by the end of the week. God helped me to remember that I was there for the campers...not the social aspect.
A couple days later though I was able to talk to one person who was on staff. She was usually a nurse there but she was counseling for the week. It was her first time counseling so she was sort of out of her element too. It was comforting and so good to just talk to someone who was open to talking to me.
(I'm sure others would have been open too but it was way too intimidating to walk up to a whole group of the other counselors who knew each other well already. They were always in a huddle together..it was just weird)
One thing that was particularly stretching was when I (me and my 8 campers) were assigned to lead a vespers. It's like their evening devotions sort of...with the WHOLE junior camp. It was my turn on Tuesday and I was super nervous. I don't like talking in front of a whole bunch of people anyway...but especially when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. It was solely MY job to organize my campers and help them put something together. From what I was able to observe at the other two vespers the nights before, the counselors were also responsible for speaking...SOMETHING. ha.
So we planned it during a "discovery period"...(basically free period). I helped the girls plan a skit they would do having to do with that days theme (accepting others), and picked out a few verses to read and songs to sing. I prayed about it a lot. I gave it to God and in return I wasn't nervous when the time actually came to speak and things. I had to start the songs by myself, help the girls in the order of things and be in front of everyone...it was so uncomfortable! (so of course it was very stretching) I wanted to try to tie the gospel into the verse I read. (side note-it really seemed like they never presented the gospel..which had me confused) So I read the one in Luke about when Jesus calls the little children to come to Him. I explained that he calls and accepts US as His children, just like we should accept Him as the Savior of our sins.
So yeah...over all it only took about 10 minutes..ha but I really did try my best. I think that's what matters to God.
The week wasn't as tiring as I thought it would be....well when I was there I mean. I definitely didn't feel as tired as I thought I would, I think because I was distracted from my needs by the campers. I loved my girls! They were a great group. I amazed at how they all interacted with each other. They each came with a buddy..but by the second day they didn't stay with their "buddies" they were all inter-mixed, and they talked to everyone like they came knowing each other. It was great and I was impressed with them in that way.
If I'm being perfectly honest..a small part of me feels like I didn't make much of an impact there like I thought I would. I kind of caught myself wondering if God used me at all there...or what "big" purpose I served. But then I was reminded that I have NO idea all that was/is truly going on around me. I could have had some sort of impact on the staff, or the campers or anyone I came in contact with, without knowing it. God is doing so much all the time and I know for sure that there is some sort of reason He had me there. (I'm not exactly sure what that is yet) I myself was challenged and stretched and I'm sure that's not all that came out of that week. All of this reminds me of the fact that our expectations really don't mean much of anything. We have expectation of how things will be in our lives but we'll never truly know what will happen until we live them. Things were different than I expected but that doesn't mean that God used it any less!
I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to go there and then to go to the beach for a few days on top of that! God is so good. I'm so thankful for His love and comfort. I've had a cold and some pretty nasty sunburn the past few days but God is still here and reminded me of His healing:) I'm so so grateful, I can't even put into words all that God means to me.
(Here's a picture of the whole junior camp. It's a little blurry bc it's a picture of a picture.)
I cannot believe how fast this summer is going...I know I always say that but I'm still constantly shocked by it!
I'm back from Swatara! Thanks to anyone who was praying for me:) It was...different than expected. When I got there I found out from several different people that it was their last full week of camp there. This was sort of a negative in my mind because all the staff had already gone through their full summer together. They were already close, they'd already been through lots of 'stuff' together and they had the routines and everything down like no ones business. And then here comes me, new to
e v e r y t h i n g this camp has to offer. haa..it makes me laugh a little inside because it's so crazy.
It only took me a day or so to feel really confident in the schedule and things which was good. A typical day there was a lot like a day at Carson Simpson. They had Bible, nature, arts and crafts...etc. They also had lots of added things like "change of pace", which was, by far, my favorite part of the whole day because I got to lay down and nap if I wanted =) haa that sounds terrible that THAT was my favorite part but I did like other stuff of course;)
One of my favorite nights there was one where I got to read to the girls. I read them "You are special" and talked with them a little about it. After I read it a couple of the girls were like "read another one!!!". They were so excited and they were silent when I was reading to them, it was a great feeling. Before I started reading the second book they were chatty and around the cabin getting ready for bed...and then when I sat down on the floor in the middle they were like "..she's starting the book!!!" and they all listened again. I don't know why but I really loved it. This was also the night that I took my guitar out and started playing a little bit. The girls loved it. They were like moths to a light bulb when I played. They would all circle around me and just stand there transfixed and staring in awe..hah. It was cool. A lot of them told me they really liked it and they wanted me to play them to sleep. :)It was a great night. A fav by far :D I was so thankful to God for that time.
It was especially great because the day or so before I was having sort of a hard time. Like I said, the staff there were already very connected and I felt really disconnected from them and out of my element. I'm a shy person anyway, but especially in a situation where everyone but me is close is difficult. (I'd imagine this is hard for anyone) It's not like I didn't try either...I did, but it's not like you get close with a person you don't know overnight. The first day I was thinking to myself
"why on earth am I here?" " They don't need me here.." and I was just wishing I hadn't signed up for it. It was good in some ways because I prayed about it every night and told God how disconnected I felt from everyone. And it DID get better by the end of the week. God helped me to remember that I was there for the campers...not the social aspect.
A couple days later though I was able to talk to one person who was on staff. She was usually a nurse there but she was counseling for the week. It was her first time counseling so she was sort of out of her element too. It was comforting and so good to just talk to someone who was open to talking to me.
(I'm sure others would have been open too but it was way too intimidating to walk up to a whole group of the other counselors who knew each other well already. They were always in a huddle together..it was just weird)
One thing that was particularly stretching was when I (me and my 8 campers) were assigned to lead a vespers. It's like their evening devotions sort of...with the WHOLE junior camp. It was my turn on Tuesday and I was super nervous. I don't like talking in front of a whole bunch of people anyway...but especially when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. It was solely MY job to organize my campers and help them put something together. From what I was able to observe at the other two vespers the nights before, the counselors were also responsible for speaking...SOMETHING. ha.
So we planned it during a "discovery period"...(basically free period). I helped the girls plan a skit they would do having to do with that days theme (accepting others), and picked out a few verses to read and songs to sing. I prayed about it a lot. I gave it to God and in return I wasn't nervous when the time actually came to speak and things. I had to start the songs by myself, help the girls in the order of things and be in front of everyone...it was so uncomfortable! (so of course it was very stretching) I wanted to try to tie the gospel into the verse I read. (side note-it really seemed like they never presented the gospel..which had me confused) So I read the one in Luke about when Jesus calls the little children to come to Him. I explained that he calls and accepts US as His children, just like we should accept Him as the Savior of our sins.
So yeah...over all it only took about 10 minutes..ha but I really did try my best. I think that's what matters to God.
The week wasn't as tiring as I thought it would be....well when I was there I mean. I definitely didn't feel as tired as I thought I would, I think because I was distracted from my needs by the campers. I loved my girls! They were a great group. I amazed at how they all interacted with each other. They each came with a buddy..but by the second day they didn't stay with their "buddies" they were all inter-mixed, and they talked to everyone like they came knowing each other. It was great and I was impressed with them in that way.
If I'm being perfectly honest..a small part of me feels like I didn't make much of an impact there like I thought I would. I kind of caught myself wondering if God used me at all there...or what "big" purpose I served. But then I was reminded that I have NO idea all that was/is truly going on around me. I could have had some sort of impact on the staff, or the campers or anyone I came in contact with, without knowing it. God is doing so much all the time and I know for sure that there is some sort of reason He had me there. (I'm not exactly sure what that is yet) I myself was challenged and stretched and I'm sure that's not all that came out of that week. All of this reminds me of the fact that our expectations really don't mean much of anything. We have expectation of how things will be in our lives but we'll never truly know what will happen until we live them. Things were different than I expected but that doesn't mean that God used it any less!
I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to go there and then to go to the beach for a few days on top of that! God is so good. I'm so thankful for His love and comfort. I've had a cold and some pretty nasty sunburn the past few days but God is still here and reminded me of His healing:) I'm so so grateful, I can't even put into words all that God means to me.
(Here's a picture of the whole junior camp. It's a little blurry bc it's a picture of a picture.)
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