Following The Light

I wish I were more brave.

Summer is ending. It's almost over. The reality is beginning to hit me, and I don't like it.

You would think that this being my FOURTH year of college and all, this whole leaving home business would be easier. But...for me, it's just not.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about when I was a kid. Things were so much easier back then. I miss it so much. I think mostly miss it because it was SO comfortable. I totally took it for granted back then, like all kids do. I remember my dad always telling me "You should enjoy being a kid..!" whenever I would complain about anything. I was like...okay...I will. Really though, I think we can never really cherish that time in our lives until we're older and it's gone.
(That sounds really depressing and I don't mean it to, but I think it's reality.)

Sometimes I'm scared to death of life.

There is not an ounce of me that wants to go back to school. (okay...mayybe a little teeny weeny one) Being home is SO comfortable. I feel so...safe here. I miss the times of really relying on my parents. In my mind I was ALWAYS safe and sound. It didn't matter where I was, or what I was doing, I trusted that my parents would be there to protect me. (Don't get me wrong, I do like my independence) I specifically remember the exact moment I had the realization that my parents couldn't keep me as safe and sound as I always believed. They weren't unbreakable, they were just human like me. It was a scary realization.

I'm mostly thinking about this a lot because this year is my SENIOR year of college...and unlike most of my friends I AM graduating on time. The thought of that really freaks me out because I'm like....an adult. ew. I'm terrified and I just want to do everything I can to run in the other direction.

In my mind when something is unknown, it is always going to be bad. No matter what, I'll be alone in wherever my life goes. I HATE that I think this way but it just happens. I have no idea what life will be like after I graduate, therefore it will be bad. I don't know if I'll be able to find a job, therefore I won't ever find one. It's like ughhh..

You're probably thinking "where the heck is your TRUST Kari??" but I really do trust God, it's just that sometimes I'm still scared.
If I'm not scared I'm still freaking out about the approaching "change" of this year.

It's like it looms over me.

I know change is coming. It's not even HERE yet. But it has me all flustered already because I DON'T LIKE CHANGE.

I don't think I will ever understand why change is so hard for me, but I have a feeling it always will be. Good or not.


This post is not at all meant to reflect how I feel about God's character, it's just how I'm feeling right now.

I wish I were more brave.