I've been feeling a TON better these past couple days. :)
I'm not sure what it is, maybe just being home, relaxing, hanging out, family time, God time, OR a combination of all of those things.
I really really love being home for break. I think I'm appreciating it WAY more this time because I know what's coming up next semester. Don't get me wrong, I am way excited for student teaching, but I know how time consuming it will be...especially after having my little taste of it with my J-block placement. It's so nice being on break and getting to read whatever I want, whenever I want. Catching up on shows. Being with friends. Gosh. Love it.
Today I read over these couple verses in my Bible over and over. They brought so much comfort today and I love how they apply so well.
4But God--so rich is He in His mercy! Because of and in order to satisfy the great and wonderful and intense love with which He loved us,
5Even when we were dead (slain) by [our own] shortcomings and trespasses, He made us alive together in fellowship and in union with Christ; [He gave us the very life of Christ Himself, the same new life with which He quickened Him, for] it is by grace (His favor and mercy which you did not deserve) that you are saved ([a]delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ's salvation).
6And He raised us up together with Him and made us sit down together [giving us [b]joint seating with Him] in the heavenly sphere [by virtue of our being] in Christ Jesus (the Messiah, the Anointed One).
7He did this that He might clearly demonstrate through the ages to come the immeasurable (limitless, surpassing) riches of His free grace (His unmerited favor) in [His] kindness and goodness of heart toward us in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 2:5-7
All of Ephesians 2 is reaal good. :)
Today is the day I also went to the doctor for my anxiety. I know a lot of people have their own opinions on that sort of thing, but I just want to do what's right for me personally. It's such a constant battle and I really believe that (at least for right now) something could be done to help me. My doctor talked with me a little bit and then gave me a prescription for Zoloft. Hopefully the side effects won't be too bad, and it'll help me rather than hurt me. We shall see.
It's totally not a "spur of the moment thing" though, it's something I've thought about often and also prayed about. I don't have the desire to tell many people about it..I'm mainly putting it on here for my own records..=)
2011 is almost here!
2010 was a pretty successful year I'd say.
I...
-conquered ALL of my early childhood classes and got all A's in them
-successfully passed two summer courses, one while working
-got to go on a mission trip to California and learned a whole lot about myself and who I am in God
-made it through some rough drama with a fellow Christian and I think we're both stronger for it
-turned 21!!
-got bangs =)
-learned to play ukulele
-joined worship team at church
-PASSED my Ed certification tests
-volunteered a week of my time at an overnight camp
So yes, overall, good year.
I was thinking about it, and I don't think this was one of those HUGE growing in God years. I definitely grew with God. Just, not as much as I would have liked to say I did. I learned a bunch of important lessons, but then in other ways I feel like I took some steps backward. I was really up and down this year, but I do also think that is necessary sometimes.
Here are some of my goals for 2011:
-LOVE love love, EVERY single person I come across.
-Don't overlook the people around me.
-Pray. about everything. All the time. Everyday.
-Spend lots of time in God's word.
-Exercise and eat healthier
-Take things/life events in stride (and let God handle them)
:) Bring on the new year!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The un-numbing process...
Warning note: This is very personal for me, and not easy to share. I've been debating actually posting it, but I've decided I might as well... I'm sure in everyones life they go through a period like this at one point or another.
Welp, Christmas has come and gone already! Time flies. Seriously. I'm not okay with it.
So I haven't written in a while...uhh...again.
After my last post I did something really wrong. In response to my HIGH anxiety and fear and whatnot, I just shoved it deep down and haven't thought about it for, well...a couple weeks..(?) Yeah. Bad stuff.
I made myself completely numb to everything. It's amazing how that can happen but I totally did it.
Some of the stuff I was/am dealing with in this brain of mine just feels like too much to handle. Reality is, it's really tough to face our hearts sometimes, and I just didn't want to anymore.
Over these past couple of weeks I've gotten REALLY good at "going through the motions". For the first time since I've come to know God, I chose to deliberately ignore Him, and just not even deal with stuff.
In a way I guess it was because I felt like God doesn't care about my circumstance, my constant struggle with the same fears and worries, because it's always there. So I decided I wouldn't care...
Let me just tell you, it was a BAD move. (Obviously) And I DO CARE! It's been so tough to just go through my days without talking to God at all.
You might think...how could you even do that?, but..the more time that passes, the easier it was to "stay away" and the harder it felt to "come back". I've wanted to, for what feels like a long time (this is all in just a two week span) but it just hasn't happened, mainly because I knew there was so much stuff I needed to deal with. I've MISSED God. What kind of person am I to ignore the God I love so much..?
It doesn't make any sense.
It's been so hard to let go of my control, or the illusion of it. Things are sorting themselves out for next year and it's so not easy to let God have the reigns. (But I AM giving them over gladly!) He's reminded me that I don't need to do anything but give Him my all, and the rest will just reveal itself in time. (HIS perfect time)
There is SO much more comfort in knowing that God has control of my future and I can rest and let Him lead me! Especially since He is the one who knows the way.Everything is so much scarier when I'm looking at situations through my own limited perspective. Through God's "lens" though everything is fine, and I know it will be OKAY.
Tonight, I was able to really "come back" to God again. I let everything out, and it felt soo very nice. :) There is SO much I have to be thankful for. I'm so blessed.
The number one thing being that God sent His son Jesus as the perfect gift to give me LIFE! He shines the way and illuminates every darkness, not only in my life, but throughout eternity!
That's GOOD stuff!
Welp, Christmas has come and gone already! Time flies. Seriously. I'm not okay with it.
So I haven't written in a while...uhh...again.
After my last post I did something really wrong. In response to my HIGH anxiety and fear and whatnot, I just shoved it deep down and haven't thought about it for, well...a couple weeks..(?) Yeah. Bad stuff.
I made myself completely numb to everything. It's amazing how that can happen but I totally did it.
Some of the stuff I was/am dealing with in this brain of mine just feels like too much to handle. Reality is, it's really tough to face our hearts sometimes, and I just didn't want to anymore.
Over these past couple of weeks I've gotten REALLY good at "going through the motions". For the first time since I've come to know God, I chose to deliberately ignore Him, and just not even deal with stuff.
In a way I guess it was because I felt like God doesn't care about my circumstance, my constant struggle with the same fears and worries, because it's always there. So I decided I wouldn't care...
Let me just tell you, it was a BAD move. (Obviously) And I DO CARE! It's been so tough to just go through my days without talking to God at all.
You might think...how could you even do that?, but..the more time that passes, the easier it was to "stay away" and the harder it felt to "come back". I've wanted to, for what feels like a long time (this is all in just a two week span) but it just hasn't happened, mainly because I knew there was so much stuff I needed to deal with. I've MISSED God. What kind of person am I to ignore the God I love so much..?
It doesn't make any sense.
It's been so hard to let go of my control, or the illusion of it. Things are sorting themselves out for next year and it's so not easy to let God have the reigns. (But I AM giving them over gladly!) He's reminded me that I don't need to do anything but give Him my all, and the rest will just reveal itself in time. (HIS perfect time)
There is SO much more comfort in knowing that God has control of my future and I can rest and let Him lead me! Especially since He is the one who knows the way.Everything is so much scarier when I'm looking at situations through my own limited perspective. Through God's "lens" though everything is fine, and I know it will be OKAY.
Tonight, I was able to really "come back" to God again. I let everything out, and it felt soo very nice. :) There is SO much I have to be thankful for. I'm so blessed.
The number one thing being that God sent His son Jesus as the perfect gift to give me LIFE! He shines the way and illuminates every darkness, not only in my life, but throughout eternity!
That's GOOD stuff!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Oh Monday
Today was really crappy.
Just blatantly, puttin' it out there. I don't like bein' all negative but that's where I'm at.
It was definitely Monday.
I woke up late, I had to rush out the door (in 15 minutes!), I had to teach reading and I didn't at ALL feel prepared for it. AND my supervisor had her scheduled visit today.
ugh.. baaad start.
I've been getting over a cold, so I've still felt not completely right health wise, not to mention I just look tired and not good.
Like I said in my other posts I've been busy. and that's probably an understatement. This weekend JJ got married, (YAYY!!) so the weekend was SO busy, and I just feel like I have been constantly going, going, going. Like the energizer bunny. I've been going from one thing to the next without really having time to myself to STOP. and think. Sometimes you just need to reflect on things/emotions you know? You don't realize it until you haven't gotten to stop and really think in a while. It's exhausting. I feel like I've been emotionally exhausted.
This weekend and today I haven't spent any time with God. So there is problem number one.
Anxiety today was HIGH. I worry about EVERYTHING having to do with the future. You name it, I worry about it. And I honestly felt like I could have broken down at any minute today. I've just been wearing myself out, and it was one of those mornings starting out.
I'm at this cross-roads in my life, I feel.
It's hard because I'm still trying to figure so much out at this ripe old age of 21. I've barely got rolling with my adult life and I have no idea what I want to do with myself.
Sometimes I find myself wondering if I even really want to teach. (I WILL teach....) but sometimes I get confused about whether it's what I really want to do or not.
I guess I'm figuring out lately that teaching just doesn't fill me up like I thought it would. When I think about doing it for my whole life, it just seems monotonous. ...but then ANYthing I would do for my whole life seems monotonous. (..it is a job after all) Sometimes I just feel like what's the point of all this..?
Every so often I also start to feel down and just not right about all the change happening in my life and to come. There is so much big stuff in my life changing and it's TOO MUCH for my little brain to handle. It freaks me out. And then you can cue the anxiety.
I'm graduating from COLLEGE and this is all I've known for FOUR years. That's a LONG time. (and a very short time) In that time though I've changed so very much as a person. I'm not the same as I was four years ago. What will happen with my life now? Everything will be different.. Who will I talk to? or be friends with? How will I live? what will I do? WHERE will I be?
I can't shake the feelings in my head that everything will go down hill from here..and it will just be bad. ugh. whyy do I think this way.
I feel like I'm in a power struggle with God. I'm definitely not where I want to be and I don't understand why He allows my constant struggle with anxiety. I could definitely use prayer.
Just blatantly, puttin' it out there. I don't like bein' all negative but that's where I'm at.
It was definitely Monday.
I woke up late, I had to rush out the door (in 15 minutes!), I had to teach reading and I didn't at ALL feel prepared for it. AND my supervisor had her scheduled visit today.
ugh.. baaad start.
I've been getting over a cold, so I've still felt not completely right health wise, not to mention I just look tired and not good.
Like I said in my other posts I've been busy. and that's probably an understatement. This weekend JJ got married, (YAYY!!) so the weekend was SO busy, and I just feel like I have been constantly going, going, going. Like the energizer bunny. I've been going from one thing to the next without really having time to myself to STOP. and think. Sometimes you just need to reflect on things/emotions you know? You don't realize it until you haven't gotten to stop and really think in a while. It's exhausting. I feel like I've been emotionally exhausted.
This weekend and today I haven't spent any time with God. So there is problem number one.
Anxiety today was HIGH. I worry about EVERYTHING having to do with the future. You name it, I worry about it. And I honestly felt like I could have broken down at any minute today. I've just been wearing myself out, and it was one of those mornings starting out.
I'm at this cross-roads in my life, I feel.
It's hard because I'm still trying to figure so much out at this ripe old age of 21. I've barely got rolling with my adult life and I have no idea what I want to do with myself.
Sometimes I find myself wondering if I even really want to teach. (I WILL teach....) but sometimes I get confused about whether it's what I really want to do or not.
I guess I'm figuring out lately that teaching just doesn't fill me up like I thought it would. When I think about doing it for my whole life, it just seems monotonous. ...but then ANYthing I would do for my whole life seems monotonous. (..it is a job after all) Sometimes I just feel like what's the point of all this..?
Every so often I also start to feel down and just not right about all the change happening in my life and to come. There is so much big stuff in my life changing and it's TOO MUCH for my little brain to handle. It freaks me out. And then you can cue the anxiety.
I'm graduating from COLLEGE and this is all I've known for FOUR years. That's a LONG time. (and a very short time) In that time though I've changed so very much as a person. I'm not the same as I was four years ago. What will happen with my life now? Everything will be different.. Who will I talk to? or be friends with? How will I live? what will I do? WHERE will I be?
I can't shake the feelings in my head that everything will go down hill from here..and it will just be bad. ugh. whyy do I think this way.
I feel like I'm in a power struggle with God. I'm definitely not where I want to be and I don't understand why He allows my constant struggle with anxiety. I could definitely use prayer.
Monday, December 6, 2010
The fourth grade life
Okay, so I haven't blogged in FOREVER and ever. Epic fail.
I've been so busy!
Thanksgiving was great, and now I'm in my end of the semester junior block placement. I'm in a fourth grade classroom. Tomorrow it will be a week since I've been going! I've had NO time to even THINK about blogging, or read other peoples, it's kind of sad, but I have a feeling it will continue that way for the next couple of weeks.
It's a very strange transition going from having a college kid schedule, with lots of time during the day, to being gone ALL day EVERY day on a teacher schedule. (I'm still mourning the loss of my free Fridays) I appreciate the weekend SO much more now! It means I get to sleep in and actually breathe and remember my life outside of 4th grade.
I am loving my placement for the most part. My cooperating teacher is really good at just that-being a cooperating teacher. She's great about letting me do things and guiding me. She's also super nice to me which is always a plus. I love the students, and I love the atmosphere of the school. It's been hard to adjust to the curriculum they use, just because what we learned at MU was so much more hands-on approach. I have definitely been struggling with that aspect but I'm working on it.
The only thing that really, honestly keeps me going and feeling like "yes, I CAN do this..!" is God. The strength and peace He gives me each day before I go to school is amazing. When I'm focusing on Him, I'm able to let things roll off my back much easier-if you will. Little things will happen sometimes and I beat myself up about them so much and end up developing the worst attitude. BUT when I see myself in God's eyes He reminds me that this is a LEARNING experience. I was never a teacher before and I won't be perfect right away. That's what I keep telling myself.
Overall, I've felt a TON better these past couple weeks. I've felt so much more like myself and it's been so nice. God's been speaking constantly, in so many ways, and I love all of the little things He does that make my day!
As far as the future goes it's something that I still need to constantly check myself about, and surrender things back to God. To LET GO. Sometimes out of nowhere I start to feel all anxious, but it hasn't been happening TOO often.
Overall, I'm trying to learn all I can in this placement and have fun with it. Also, to RELAX and know that God's got me, and I can lean on Him through all of these teacher duties.
:)
I've been so busy!
Thanksgiving was great, and now I'm in my end of the semester junior block placement. I'm in a fourth grade classroom. Tomorrow it will be a week since I've been going! I've had NO time to even THINK about blogging, or read other peoples, it's kind of sad, but I have a feeling it will continue that way for the next couple of weeks.
It's a very strange transition going from having a college kid schedule, with lots of time during the day, to being gone ALL day EVERY day on a teacher schedule. (I'm still mourning the loss of my free Fridays) I appreciate the weekend SO much more now! It means I get to sleep in and actually breathe and remember my life outside of 4th grade.
I am loving my placement for the most part. My cooperating teacher is really good at just that-being a cooperating teacher. She's great about letting me do things and guiding me. She's also super nice to me which is always a plus. I love the students, and I love the atmosphere of the school. It's been hard to adjust to the curriculum they use, just because what we learned at MU was so much more hands-on approach. I have definitely been struggling with that aspect but I'm working on it.
The only thing that really, honestly keeps me going and feeling like "yes, I CAN do this..!" is God. The strength and peace He gives me each day before I go to school is amazing. When I'm focusing on Him, I'm able to let things roll off my back much easier-if you will. Little things will happen sometimes and I beat myself up about them so much and end up developing the worst attitude. BUT when I see myself in God's eyes He reminds me that this is a LEARNING experience. I was never a teacher before and I won't be perfect right away. That's what I keep telling myself.
Overall, I've felt a TON better these past couple weeks. I've felt so much more like myself and it's been so nice. God's been speaking constantly, in so many ways, and I love all of the little things He does that make my day!
As far as the future goes it's something that I still need to constantly check myself about, and surrender things back to God. To LET GO. Sometimes out of nowhere I start to feel all anxious, but it hasn't been happening TOO often.
Overall, I'm trying to learn all I can in this placement and have fun with it. Also, to RELAX and know that God's got me, and I can lean on Him through all of these teacher duties.
:)
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