Warning note: This is very personal for me, and not easy to share. I've been debating actually posting it, but I've decided I might as well... I'm sure in everyones life they go through a period like this at one point or another.
Welp, Christmas has come and gone already! Time flies. Seriously. I'm not okay with it.
So I haven't written in a while...uhh...again.
After my last post I did something really wrong. In response to my HIGH anxiety and fear and whatnot, I just shoved it deep down and haven't thought about it for, well...a couple weeks..(?) Yeah. Bad stuff.
I made myself completely numb to everything. It's amazing how that can happen but I totally did it.
Some of the stuff I was/am dealing with in this brain of mine just feels like too much to handle. Reality is, it's really tough to face our hearts sometimes, and I just didn't want to anymore.
Over these past couple of weeks I've gotten REALLY good at "going through the motions". For the first time since I've come to know God, I chose to deliberately ignore Him, and just not even deal with stuff.
In a way I guess it was because I felt like God doesn't care about my circumstance, my constant struggle with the same fears and worries, because it's always there. So I decided I wouldn't care...
Let me just tell you, it was a BAD move. (Obviously) And I DO CARE! It's been so tough to just go through my days without talking to God at all.
You might think...how could you even do that?, but..the more time that passes, the easier it was to "stay away" and the harder it felt to "come back". I've wanted to, for what feels like a long time (this is all in just a two week span) but it just hasn't happened, mainly because I knew there was so much stuff I needed to deal with. I've MISSED God. What kind of person am I to ignore the God I love so much..?
It doesn't make any sense.
It's been so hard to let go of my control, or the illusion of it. Things are sorting themselves out for next year and it's so not easy to let God have the reigns. (But I AM giving them over gladly!) He's reminded me that I don't need to do anything but give Him my all, and the rest will just reveal itself in time. (HIS perfect time)
There is SO much more comfort in knowing that God has control of my future and I can rest and let Him lead me! Especially since He is the one who knows the way.Everything is so much scarier when I'm looking at situations through my own limited perspective. Through God's "lens" though everything is fine, and I know it will be OKAY.
Tonight, I was able to really "come back" to God again. I let everything out, and it felt soo very nice. :) There is SO much I have to be thankful for. I'm so blessed.
The number one thing being that God sent His son Jesus as the perfect gift to give me LIFE! He shines the way and illuminates every darkness, not only in my life, but throughout eternity!
That's GOOD stuff!
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