I have to start out by saying this past week was, by far, the longest week of my entire life. (was it really only LAST weekend that I was in Lancaster for New Years?! It seems like an eternity!!)
I've been through so much this week. I've been more scared than I've ever been in my life, but God has been TOTALLY 100 percent faithful and right by my side!
I started my medication last Sunday, took it for three days and then realized it was not reacting well with my body. I ended up taking it for only three days. The first two days were fine, basically no major side effects besides a little dizziness, and nausea, but not bad at all. I took a trip to school on that third day not thinking anything of it. I was with a bunch of friends who I know but who I don't normally hang out with to see Shane Claiborne speak. (no big deal...) Well it turns out I got some really, REALLY bad, scary panic attacks while there. Worse than ever before. It's so difficult to put into words for people who haven't ever experienced it. Basically I felt like passing out, and like I would throw up...and then I felt intense heat, all over my body like I was on fire. I was so scared. I got home later that night and felt better. I talked to a good friend who reassured me that those feelings were coming from the meds because my body was adjusting.
That night I was able to fall asleep but I woke up suddenly at 3am and felt REALLY weird. I just felt terrified and scared for no reason. My heart was going a little faster and then I got really scared.. I had another really bad panic episode but worse than that night. My heart was racing, my whole body was on fire, and I felt that same passing out/nauseous feeling. I was so scared because I was in the house by myself at school, an hour and a half from home. It was intense and it took a few minutes to pass. I felt like I was dying! I almost called 911, I didn't know what to do..but then it finally subsided.
That morning I called my doctors office and told them I didn't want to keeping taking these meds, and they told me to stop with that one and my doctor prescribed this other medication called Celexa.
I gave myself a few days before starting the new one to let the Zoloft leave my system a bit. Let me just tell you, it was like nothing I've ever experienced. By God's amazing help I was able to drive myself home that next day, but it wasn't easy. I still felt so anxious and jittery. That night I can't even explain how I felt. Just scared beyond belief and not like myself at all. I guess I could describe it as a feeling like something is very wrong that would make me nervous when in reality everything's okay. I know it was because of the medicine though..and because I hadn't taken it that day.
So far, so good with this new medicine. It's a lower dose and it also doesn't have the same half life of zoloft if I were to stop it.
Like I said though, there is no way I could do this without God! He has been so completely amazing and with me every step of the way. He's shown me verses in the Bible that have brought so much comfort, and also just brought scripture to mind when I felt afraid. He's given me a few little signs that make me smile and remind me that He's with me and still holding me. I'm SO thankful for what He's doing.
Here's one of the verses He showed me:
"My Father...is greater and mightier than all else; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." John 10:29
God reminded me through this that He is BIGGER and MIGHTIER than all of this!
He is MIGHTIER than my fear. He is mightier than my anxiety. He is mightier than this medicine. He is mightier than my doctor. Mightier than my side effects... Mightier than the panic attacks.. Mightier than ALL ELSE!!! And He will help me through it, because He is bigger and stronger than anything I'm going through or feeling, even in this situation. :) It makes my heart so happy!
Another few verses that really helped me were from Isaiah 43. It was AWESOME because the night I spent at home after the really scary night, I still kept waking up and feeling afraid, but I started to pray and instantly these verses just came to my mind. (From God!)
"Fear not, I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned.."
It was AMAZING!! I felt such a calm come over me just knowing that God was with me through this rough time.
I'm just so, so incredibly thankful. I know God is guiding me. Maybe there was a reason (I'm sure there is..) why I had to go through that, and why I'm still going through it. All I know is that I'm trusting God and fully leaning on Him in this. (and everything!) It's amazing how He comes through in our weaknesses!
I listened to the song Never Alone this morning by Jim Brickman and the lyrics really comforted me. :)
Here is the chorus from it:
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
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