What went on in 2012?

Have to do my annual post..:)

In 2012.....

-I started life in my very own apartment
-Payed a lot of my own bills...(hah)
-Started working retail
-Got a hammy and lost one..=/
-Made a lot of close friends at the school where I work
-Had a few interviews
-Turned the big 2-3
-Went kayaking for the first time
-Saw monkeys riding on sheep dogs
-Saw lumineers live in Philly
-saw ZZ ward in MD
-Went to Alabama with MDS
-also went to Savannah GA, and Charleston SC
-Shot three weddings
-Tasted wine at a vineyard
-Experienced the joys of the laundromat for the first time
-Got an iphone 5 :)
-Got a THIRD job. (why yes, I am crazy, thanks for asking)
-Stood as a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding
-Threw a bridal shower
-Chopped my hair and donated it
-Made a quilt in 2 weeks time
-Went camping and bought a tent AFTERwards (that I still haven't used)

2013 GOALS
-Make healthy meals for myself often
-Get involved with a church
-book at least one wedding
-Get a teaching job ( how likely? but PLEASE 2013 BE GOOD)

I'm mad.

I need to get these feelings out.
Part of me feels like I shouldn't document this on the old blog, but who cares. No one reads this anymore anyway...right?

I'm just so...flippin....mad.

I'm mad about what happened last Friday. I'm mad that evil exists in our world that way. I'm mad that it happened around Christmas and that so many little lives were lost in such an unfair way. It makes me upset to think about the families coping, and mad that they should have to go through that at all.

My hamster has been sick for a couple of weeks, and was getting progressively worse. I found this morning that she died last night. I'm mad that she ever got sick in the first place. I'm mad that I couldn't make her better. I'm mad that I had to see her so sick. I'm mad that I'm so mad and upset about a hamster. A HAMSTER?! Really Kari? But. I. am.
I loved that stupid hamster like she was my child. I'm so mad that she's gone. I'm so mad that I couldn't even keep my hamster alive.

Last night was so frustrating. I was making a quilt for my mom for Christmas and right near the end, I broke my sewing machine needle...dropped it in the cracks of the machine while trying to replace it...broke another needle, and my machine decided to crap out and not work on my quilt. Seriously? Meanwhile trying to feed my sicker than sick hamster with a syringe. So frustrated with those feelings from last night.
Some angel from school lent me her sewing machine so I could finish. I finished the quilt tonight. Relieved.
But still mad.

I'm just mad.

Thoughts on Anxiety

I'm itching to blog.

My parents came up yesterday to swap cars with me.
When they got here we went to lunch.

"What are you doing? Am I making you nervous?"
" No, Dad, you're not making me nervous...why would I be nervous....."
"You're all shaky"
"It's what I do. I shake my legs...it's just a thing I do."
"Okay...we all have our things. I do this (biting his nails) and I have to put up with cats who have there own problems..."
: |


Dad:..."So my birthday is on the last day of the world."
Me: "It won't be the end of the world because no one knows the time....like a thief in the night"
Dad: "That's the rapture, I'm not talking about the rapture"
Me: "Same thing."
Dad:"If Jesus comes he'll come before the end of the world. So it'll be a couple days before my birthday."
Me: "Well, that's fine with me. I've had enough...."

That made my parents laugh, but I really would rather be in Heaven, who wouldn't??

Yesterday was a particularly anxiety ridden day for me. All I wanted to do was hide under my bed and sleep. But my parents were here and so I couldn't.
I was talking to my mom while laying on my couch with the blanket over my head. Dad walks in from outside and goes...."Where is she??" (no really, he was serious)
"I'm right here dad"
Dad walks out and back in a few minutes later.
"where'd she go??"
Me to Mom...."is this an invisible blanket?"

Any way, I realized that I've been this anxiety person for my whole life.
I remembered the time when I was younger and I had just gotten a new bike.
After we brought it home, I didn't feel right.
"I feel weird, Mom..." I remember saying. I realize now it's because I didn't know the words to say "I'm really anxious".

You're probably thinking who gets anxiety over a NEW bike??

Anything new, anything different, if it means change in any type of way, it probably gives me anxiety.
It's something I wish I didn't have to deal with, but it's a part of my personality. If you struggle with it too, know that God KNOWS and He will always grant His peace. He is always bigger than it.

I love you at your worst.

This was a pretty glorious weekend.
The weather was completely beautiful. I love fall. I'm convinced that it is good for the soul.
This Saturday morning I went to an R&R retreat and what Jenny spoke hit right to my heart. I'm still trying to process it. (hence the blog post)
This is kind of personal but when has that stopped me before?
The topic was to Get Rid of Sin and to not stay in it. She discussed spiritual adultery; it's when the love and attention we used to give to God, we now give to other things. Why do we do it?

It's because we have lost sight of God's love.

I've lost sight of God's love.

I've been totally disconnected from God.
I don't know HOW I got here.
I don't know HOW to get out.
It's so confusing.

I felt like such a fake at the retreat because I feel like I just go through the motions. No one really knows that I don't spend one on ones with God anymore. No one really knows my sin. No one really knew that I wasn't feeling all sunshine and rainbows at the retreat, but more like a hypocrite and a lost child.

(of course God knows though)

There was a pretty powerful "skit" or "visual" about God. We are with God and we look at Him only, but then we see sin, and we want to go that way....we're holding onto God's hands...and we try to bring Him with us, BUT HE WON'T JOIN US IN THE SIN. So we cut Him off, because He won't join us in those places.
The result is that we are caught in sin. We have to CUT OFF the sin. Cut off what is keeping us from the LIFE we get when we are with God's love.

Cutting off hurts. We need to figure out what it is that we need to cut off.

This is the hard part. Because I know that I need to cut off stuff. and I know that it will hurt. (because it always does) I'm just having trouble coming to terms with WHAT exactly I need to get rid of.

I know I DO need to spend more one on one time with my God. and to PRAY more.
I think it would also be helpful if I had more people in my life to keep me accountable.

I have to remember that God still loves me the most, even now. His love is not conditional. He doesn't love me any less now (even though I sometimes feel like that is the case). He reminded me that He LOVES ME at my worst. That's helpful and comforting.

He did speak to me that I need to cut off people pleasing.
A large majority of my time and energy is spent people pleasing. I want people to like me. I put time and thought into what I say and do and how it will look to someone else. (and probably not always in a good way...meaning it's entirely selfish and not to benefit the person, only me)

I need to cut off negative thoughts.
I need to cut off judgement.
and envy.

and I'm sure there are more....

It's a process. and it isn't going to be pretty. but with God's grace and help, I can only hope that I will get back to the place where I was.

Unexpected

I can feel the winds of change continually and slowly moving

all

the

time.

I was thinking this morning.
I probably haven't documented this much, if at all (since I've been all MIA from blog world) but I've felt on and off depressed.....again.
I've definitely struggled with this before, and I know I've blogged about it. Especially when I was in college. I don't know what it is. It's usually not circumstantial, although sometimes that adds to it I think. I just get in these funks where I feel like poo. It. sucks.
It's something I would never wish on anyone.
I often feel really lost. Like I don't know who I am. Or what direction my life is going.
Now....back to this morning. I realized part of the reason I think I feel so lost is that God is messing with and HAS already messed up my plans.

I was going to meet someone in college. I was going to marry that person. I was going to be a teacher and I was going to get a job right away. I wasn't, EVER, going to live alone without a dog (yes, I actually had that thought), and everything was going to be perfect and happen the way I expected it to, dangit.

Instead? I live alone. No dog. (and I FLIPPIN LOVE IT) No teaching job. (don't so much love that) No husband, or boyfriend for that matter but right now? the thought of dating is so not appealing to me. at. all.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if I'm even supposed to be a teacher.

Lately I've been working my TAIL off. Like crazy. I feel like I have no time to do anything but work.
I'm actually thinking about quitting my second job at the store.

This thought is SO! SUPER! exciting. Because, oh my gosh golly, to have my weekends back (!!!!!!!) I can't even fathom how wonderful that would be.
BUT, it's also scary. There's the whole, change bit. and then ....WILL I have enough to support myself?

My photography is kind of heading in an exciting direction and I have a lot of shoots booked just in the next couple of months. I'm thinking of spending more time and money investing in that.

It'll be a sacrifice though, because I don't just have money to throw away but it might be something worth trying.

I also might have the opportunity to tutor some kiddos....and that would make me feel better too....money wise.

I'm also contemplating a mission trip this summer........ and well. My head is just kind of spinning and I'm not exactly sure what God wants me to do with all of it. But I know He's doing something.

and none of it I expected.

School life

Well kids, it's that time again!
Time to get back to school.
I've come to the realization that I will always, always, (even though I am not a student at the moment) have that feeling of "back to school" "yayyy!"...because well, I'm a teacher. and there will always be a back to school.
I so wish I was somewhere that I could find a school picture of myself from the "first day" to show you!
Oh well.
Just picture me by our front door, blond hair, freckles, new twisty shoelaces and holding my bright shiny pencil box(complete WITH rainbows). ;)  Ready for first grade!

This year I'm gearing up to be the computer teacher again.
It's bitter sweet.
I'm sad because I feel like I didn't have a real summer due to working a lot, on and off at my part time job.
I LOVE the beach, more than almost anywhere else, but I didn't even get there this year. (Unless you count memorial weekend for like a day.)

Can summer really be over? I mean....what summer?! bahh! I barely had one. The kind I like anyway.

There's also the fact that I realllly, REALLLY want to be a real, grade level teacher. Really. That's what I WANT to do. My dream job.
It'd definitely be nice, but I guess it's not in God's plan for me just yet.
It's hard because I don't mind my computer job, (you know I LOVE the school) but it does get tough and frustrating sometimes that I'm surrounded by people doing exactly what I WISH I was doing (ahem, teaching) but just can't right now. It makes my heart sad sometimes, but this girl is just trying to be patient and not take things so seriously.
It'll happen when it happens. Right...? Right??

Esther

Today I had an interesting encounter with a woman at thatplaceIwork. 
It was kind of odd, unusual, and kind of made me laugh and smile inside.

Picture a little, old, asian woman.
She comes up to me and asks (asian accent and all)
"...You have bigger  bags than this?" *holding up a gift bag
I tell her no, we only have that one size.
"ohh.ok. You think this will fit in here?" (shows me about 4 outfits)
I say ...umm I'm not sure. I think so...maybe if you take the hangers off.
"ohh ok. So I'll put in here, no hangers..yes. ok thank you."
then...
"...you have cotton outfit? I need something with cotton."
She has 3 pieces of clothing items with her already.
She goes on:
"I need spend $100...how much for these..?"
Well...I'd say probably around $40..
"40?? ohh okay."
"...you have cotton outfit? I need something with cotton."
I show her a few things we have. And then BOOM. Somewhere between her asking about the gift bag and now, I have become her personal shopper.

(we're also pretty busy, mind you)
I try my best to help her in as cheery a manner as possible as I see the line growing with only one person ringing.

I show her a few items...she says
"Okay...uh. what size?"
I say, well we have 3m, 6m, 12m,...etc haha
"Okay, baby just born so I need 12m.."
Wasn't about to fight her on that, lady knew what she wanted.
She picked out a gray sweater with some pinks and said
"how bout this??.."
me...yep that's cute!
"okay I need pants"
I showed her to the sweat pants. We have these cute ones that look like jeans for babies and I suggested those.
She gives the pair one look and said...
.."it's for GIRL!"
...HAHA. oh gosh. I say yes, I know. I think that goes, you?
Well, she clearly wasn't liking those. She goes over the the infant boys table and pulls off some gray sweatpants...
"oh HERE! GRAY!"
In my mind I'm like...oh the irony. Then on her own she notices shes at the boys table haha.
THEN, she decides to put the sweater back.

She says she needs more than just pink...picks up a yellow outfit...
"..uhh what size.."
I suggest 12m at this point.
She looks at the outfit"...it's bright but so yellow... make look like baby have jaundice" and then her cute asian old-lady chuckle.
Puts that one back.
She tells me the people she's buying for live in Egypt.
"I don't know what colors for there...you??"
Lady I have not a clue....."no um hmm..me either"
She's picks out a purple outfit she likes....I check but NO 12m! I ask her if she wants me to check in the back. She does, so I do. Find a 12 m.
Anndddd.....many moons later. She. is. ready. to check out. Get her all set to go.
She's about to walk out and sees a pink jumper outfit on a mannequin that she hadn't seen before. I show her where it is.

She buys that too.

She was sweet. She said..."thank you so much for you help. I really appreciate. thank you. What you name? ....Kari thank you."

She walks out. I just kind of smile. ohhh she was a fun one.

5-10 minutes later.....she's back.

I'm checking someone else out and she smiles at me and stands  (with her big bug sunglasses) just smiling away.

I could not stop smiling myself for efforts to try not to laugh.

She returned the purple outfit that I went in the back to get! ha and another associate took care of that.

I learned her name was Esther.

It's the little things folks.

In a weird way Esther brought a smile to my heart today.

:)

I might be back?

Hi there friends.
If anyone out there still reads this.
I've had the urge to sit at my computer and actually write something again.

Summer has been pretty different this year if nothing else, but I finally feel..(.now that we're nearing August?!) like I'm getting into a swing?
My days look like the following...
work at Carter's for hours... relax...see some friends, repeat.

I've also been re-decorating a bunch of walls in my apartment since I felt they had been hastily done in January when I moved in from lack of time.
I'm basically finished. All I have left to do is spray paint my TV stand. :)

I'm happy with the way things turned out! I made some large paintings, hung some walls shelves, printed a 20x30 of one of my favorite pictures, and added personal pictures of friends and family. Much more homey!

I'm still kind of wishy-washy about the whole church going situation. Because of work, I often miss church, and if I do go, I hardly ever make it to Sunday school at CBC anymore. I don't think I've been there all summer... =/ eek.

Things I'm loving as of late...
*Watching the Olympics!
*Walking to the library...every week.
*Getting to read a whole lot of books (redeeming love= Amazing. Go read it!)
* Catching up with friends I haven't seen
*Seeing family
*Eating TONS of summer fruits
*Trusting God and His time for me. In everything. Whether it be a teaching job to open up for ME specifically or meeting the one I'll marry. I'm trying to live in the present and what God has in front of me.
*Summer T-storms. love 'em
*Folky music. I wasn't ever as big a fan as I am right now and I'm discovering a lot new stuff that I LOVE

Who knows...I might be back on here. I miss writing!

Quiet and gentle spirit

Sooo....it's been a whole solid TWO MONTHS since I've blogged.
Honestly, I have not forgotten about my blog. I think about it all the time ( I mean, I still read blogs everyday and I am aware that I haven't been doing it)
That was probably the longest stretch since I started blogging...two years ago now! (I missed the blogiversary..sad, sad.)
Things are just going along smoothly, changing slowly all the time.
School is over for the summer this Thursday. I was excited for summer...(not sure WHY because all I'll be doing is working at the store and have nothing else planned...) but anyway, now I feel a little sad about the year being over. Especially because one of my good friends is being transferred to a different school in the district. :( I can't imagine how it will be different, but of course I don't like to think about it!
I think it's just hit me that the year is really over...and bring on the change. blehh...

darn, you change. Unwelcome companion that never leaves. ohh what it does to me.

So that's school... I'll miss the kids, the staff....my room? I go there everyday.... and now I won't. This is just weird.

In other news...I'm contemplating switching churches. I'm really kind of struggling with these feelings because I love the people at "my church". I was finally feeling "connected" come March.... but now....it's different. I don't get to participate in the events and I spend very little time with those people because of my work schedule. Where I was starting to feel a peace about belonging...now there is none. It kind of went backwards.
I feel like it might be God's leading to try somewhere else. I just want to do what's right.

Why do I always have this feeling in the back of my mind like I'm doing it all wrong?
I don't know what the "right" thing to do would be either though....

My mind is so not "at peace".
At this church banquet I went to a couple of weeks ago, they were talking about a gentle and quiet spirit. How it is not about your personality... it's about your SPIRIT.
Having a spirit that is quiet and gentle is not about worrying, and thinking until I get worked up. (like I am now) it's allowing God's peace to wash over and be SO present that I'm in that peaceful state. The one where I can trust that with God it will all work itself out.

I'm praying for that kind of spirit and maybe if you're in the same boat you can pray the prayer too!

I'm not sure...but I may be taking a break from the good ole blog..
we'll see.  

Bought with a price

Gooood morning friends!

Wanted to share this today because I know we've all felt like this a time or two...

I've really been struggling with my self-worth.

I find myself questioning who I am at times.

I've been hardcore comparing myself to others.

It only brings envy, jealousy, confusion, and so much insecurity.

There is a voice in my head that tells me, constantly,

"Why can't you look like that?"

"Why can't you do those things?"

"Why don't you have that?"

..and in the end, the answer is always a resounding....

"You're NOT good enough"

"You're NOT worth it"

"Something is wrong with you"

Have you felt it? Have you heard it?

It's hard to live that way. To carry those lies. It's a burden I should never hold on to, but one that's so hard to put down.

But God whispers these truths to my heart....

"Kari, you were bought with a price, purchased with a preciousness an paid for by Christ!"

1 Corin. 7:23

"The Lord created you. The Lord formed you. He has redeemed you. He has ransomed you by paying a price for you instead of leaving you captive. I have called you by your name, you are mine!" Isaiah 43:1

(Fill in the "you" in the verse above with YOUR name. Those are powerful words)

"Kari, I love you to last and to the highest degree!" John 13:1

"For you did form my inward parts....How precious and weighty also are your thoughts to me, O God. How vast is the sum of them! If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand." Psalm 139:15, 17

*Notice if we could count them...but we can't! Because of the vast amount of thoughts He has toward us, we can never fathom or understand it.

"Will He that is formed say to Him that formed it, why have you made me thus?" Rom 8:20

God purposed to make HIS glory known and to show the wealth of His glory through YOU His vessel. Rom 8:23

Soak that in today friend. Those truths comfort me completely and I hope they do the same for you!

Image credit here

WILW

What I'm loving Wednesday!

I'm loving.... this song! It may be the best song in...the whole world. yup. Well okay, it's a good one. It just makes me happy!

I'm loving....prayer time with my savior and listening to His truths. There are just some things I'm really struggling with personally but I'm trying to work through some things...possibly more on that later...(and well most likely, because you know I don't hold back..hah)

I'm loving... THIS WEATHER!!!! Ahhh :))) I don't know where YOU live but here it has been GORGEOUS and sunny 70's. Best ever. It makes me want the beach.

This week is PSSA week (Pennsylvania's version of State testing) and every morning the 3rd-5th graders head out to the track once they put their things in their classroom..etc. I was asked to monitor them and it's been so nice to walk around the track at least once myself! The students loveeee it. They run and leap and are so happy to do laps before school begins.

I'm loving... that I didn't have to go in to my part time job tonight! It's the first weeknight evening since last Wednesday that I've had free. It feels great! I do really, really like the job, it's easy and kind of fun..but by 8-9pm I'm mentally and physically exhausted. No denying it. (Plus my feet hurt like no one's business!)

Along those lines I'm also loving that I got to go to the gym today finally!

Loving....that tomorrow is Thursday! This has been the longest week of my life. Weird schedule at work from the PSSA, and long long days...

Loving...how long it stays light outside now! :)

Woohoo!

What are you loving??

Life Updates and the like

Hey there friendsss :)

Figured it's time for some good, solid life updates. Yeah?

Started at my second job this past week. I really think I'm going to like it there. It's at a children's clothing store and (besides the clothing being melt-your-heart ADORABLE)I really love and appreciate working with people and the interaction with the customers. Also, organizing the clothes in the order they should be on the rack. (which is most of what I did last week) Call me OCD, but it's actually a little fun.

It is overwhelming though. Just a little. It's a longgg long, day working at school and then working there in the evening. Phew.. the second evening I wised up and wore more comfortable pants and shoes and it wasn't so bad! ha It's a crazy concept how much comfort makes a difference! I like the co-workers I've met so far too. :)

As far as the whole confusion post about God goes, I'm feeling pretty much better. Thanks to awesome comments.. and just because of spending time in prayer and the word.

God's been speaking in amazing ways and reassuring that salvation comes by believing in Him alone.

For instance in that book "Radical" the author states that we, the church have made up the idea of a prayer to let Jesus in and then we believe we're saved. He made it seem like that's not enough...but this verse is THE word of the Lord, mister!

9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

So, that was a comfort, I heard that one read on the radio on my way to school, and I was like OHH YEAH!

Then, while at Panera, I was killing time before my job (I don't have time to travel home before hand-it just wouldn't make sense) I was reading my Bible and journaling. Awhile in, I heard the women behind me reading the Bible together! I heard Psalm 103 clear as day as though God was reading it right to me.

⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

How awesome is that?!

There have been other ways, God's been speaking... in personal things while I spend quiet time in prayer. It's the best. There is nothing like it!

Photo image can be found here

Photos

Yesterday (and basically all of last week) was SO very busy. I'm so worn down.

I had fun, don't get me wrong..but a little overwhelmed, none the less.

I got to take some pictures of a 3 month old yesterday. He's a cutie pa-tootie! Check 'em out yo.

If you're a fan, feel free to "like" my page on facebook!! :)

Contradiction

So, I've been MIA. Sorry, friends.

I keep thinking about things to write, and then I don't for a day, and move on to something "else" in my brain, and then it is too late to write about it... make sense?

I think I've also been avoiding my lil old blog, because I don't want to be a downer and don't know how to put to words what exactly I've been feeling.

I feel so condemned. and I've felt so condemned lately. It took me way too long to realize the voice I've been hearing, the one whispering that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm failing...isn't God's voice and it isn't truth. It's lies, and even now it's hard to believe.

I feel so much shame for how I'm living my life.

Like it's all about me.

I haven't been spending any time in God's word, but I'm to the point of feeling like God hates me or something, like He's mad...because I continually choose other things...stupid, fleeting things over Him. Why would He choose me? Why would He want to be a part of my fleeting life?

I'm nothing.

I feel so confused by books like "Radical" that make it seem that we as Christians are failing....the underlying message that I hear when I read books like that is "God isn't loving!" "God doesn't love you!" "What you do is ALL wrong" "You're WRONG!"

I got about 3 pages in and it's ridiculous. I know books like that are supposed to convict...but I feel condemned, and I've learned that those are two VERY different words.

And then there are books like "Grace Walk" that share the message "God loves you!" "You are covered in GRACE!" "All you need to do is spend time with Him!" "the relationship is most important!".

So where is the middle ground in these two extremes?

Is God loving? or does He hate what I do? Does He always look at me in disgust because I'm so wrong?

I can't wrap my head around how these books contradict each other and where the truth lies.

I feel like such a failure and I need the truth.

What I do know is that God doesn't exist to get me shiny new things. He doesn't exist to find me a job. To help me get an apartment. He doesn't exist to develop my future. for me, me, me...

It's not about ME.

I'm just overly confused. And overwhelmed.

Good news :D

I wanted to write about something...but for lack of more time right now...

I just want to update to say that

I GOT THE SECOND JOB!!! :D :D

No...it's not yet a teaching job, just a second job at the outlets for some supplement to my other income.

I found out this morning and I'm so very excited.

It is difficult to find a second job. Way more difficult than I ever really thought until I started looking.

It's a frustrating process but it counts to stick with it. :)

(and I'm not taking credit, this was so smooth, it was only God.)

More later!

What I'm loving Wednesday.

I like links-ups, so today I'm linking up over at "this kind of love" for WILW. :)

I'm loving... that it's already Wednesday even though it feels like it's Monday. Yay for short weeks!

I'm loving...the feeling of what it is when things feel they WILL work out. I had a very positive job interview at the outlets yesterday and I'm just hoping, hoping, hoping....(eeek...don't get your hopes upp Kariii) that I get this job!! But of course if I don't, it's not meant to be.

I'm loving... Reading this book that I'm *ahem* almost done with already..? can this be..? People go buy it! Read it! Now, now, NOW! It will change your life. :) You won't be sorry.

(and no, I'm not getting paid to promote this..ha)

I'm loving...how easy and convenient it is to reserve things at the library. It results in getting exactly what you want and sometimes doesn't even take that long!

What are YOU loving this Wednesday?

:)

Thy Will Be Done

Today has been a very relaxing day off!

I slept in. (Which I absolutely love, love LOVE doing.)

I went to the gym and may or may not have embarrassed myself a little bit while trying out some new exercises with one of those rubber exercise balls. HA...

Ya know, I was really hoping no one would be back in that little section that has the balls, but of course there was a girl there today on a machine. I pretended she wasn't there and tried my ball routine anyway. ;)

I took an afternoon NAP! I can't even tell you when the last time I did that was. It was glorious.

I also started the book I mentioned yesterday called "Under the Overpass". I'm almost halfway done already. haa..it's very good. I won't tell you any of those stories because I don't want to spoil it for when you read it yourself... but I will share a quote I liked...

It's like trust means something different when you don't feel in control.

How very true.

This weekend at the mini retreat we were talking about how we often close ourselves up to things.

In my journal time, I wrote about how I close myself up when I have to deal with any change.

(I know you're thinking, here goes Kari talking about change...AGAIN. Bear with me)

I don't like change because when things are different and that makes life uncomfortable for me. I...like most everyone like things to be all cushy and comfy. I try to fight the change process, and I only make things harder on myself. I try to control it, and stop it from happening.

But I've been learning more recently that when I let it go, and give up my illusion of control....I just have to trust. A lot of the change right now deals with people in my life. Everyone is changing... obviously I can't control that, and so I have no other choice but to trust!

I wrote this the end of my journal time...

"If I don't welcome change, I'm denying myself chance for growth in all areas."

I can't ever grow if nothing ever changes...

God is teaching me to rely on Him because He is leading me. And He of course doesn't change. ever.

Hope you can make some sense out of that! ha

Happy Pres Day!

Original source of image can be found here.

Over the Underpass

Hi friends :)

Have I mentioned that I have a four day weekend? It's just about exactly what I needed. It's been so so great so far!

I don't really even know where to begin with this post.

R and R yesterday was great. This morning at church I heard Mike Yankosi speak, you might remember me mentioning that in my last post... (I was looking forward to hearing him ALL week!)

...let me tell you folks, he did not disappoint.

Wow- Talk about a heart change.

He talked about how he grew up knowing there was homelessness and poverty...but that it was just an abstract idea... it wasn't until he went to the Dominican Republic on a mission trip in high school that he encountered homeless children...most who weren't even wearing clothes, one who was playing with a bottle cap attached to string..aka garbage. That's when it went from an abstract idea to an actual person. These are people.

Just

like

us.

God's created.

He went to a Christian college and somewhere down the road wrote about paper about the passage in Matthew that we know of as "The Good Samaritan". He decided after that to live homeless for 5 months and 6 different cities.

It was appalling to hear how they (him and the friend who went homeless w him) were treated by some churches. (not all...but some)

I guess they sat near them and went to church to see how they would be received..

He told a story that really made my jaw drop, literally.

Him and his buddy were hanging out outside of a church on a Saturday and they woke up to the smell of bacon, eggs, and pancakes..etc. I think he said they had been homeless for about 4 months at this point so they were used to eating out of the garbage...

They were so excited, thinking to themselves..yes! It's saturday, church breakfast. We'll get to eat today. Two men, then come out loading things and going back and forth. One shouts to them, "You have to get out of here..." and keeps walking doing what he's doing.

They stay... when the man comes back he says.."why are you still here? I told you, you need to go, this building isn't here for this.."

Mike wanted to debate with him, saying why is it here? The man said look...it's not for this, and you need to leave.

Then they got up and left.

The next day they arrived to the church again for Sunday morning service. They were about 30 minutes early because they mixed up the times. Slowly but surely, the sanctuary filled in all around them. Except, where they were sitting, there was about a 10 foot radius because no one would sit near them.

Then, comes a man's voice..."GUYS!!" and runs up to them. "I'm soo glad you're here!!" and gives the men a hug. It's the man from the day before who told them to leave.

He is visibly broken up (maybe crying) and says how sorry he is and how convicted he became afterwards. Then, the man puts his hands in his pockets and kind of looks at the floor.

He says to the guys, "I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you this, but I'm actually the director of the homeless ministry at our church."

That's where my jaw dropped....wow.

How sad is that?

He told us the homeless ministry for that church was on Tuesdays...

This guy had so compartmentalized.

He helped the homeless on Tuesday....but it's Saturday, and was "me" time for him. Church breakfast time, not homeless helping time.

That hit home. Mike related it to Jesus and how Jesus was available at all times. He stopped to help people. When a random woman grabbed his coat in the market, and the disciples were like "come on Jesus! We can't stop, you need to do this miracle here" Jesus was like..."no, someone touched me..who was it?" He stops to help! Always. It's not about Him...

How true?

That's just a little tid bit of what I remember really stuck out from his message.

What he said makes me want to reach out and help all the people I can! I want to feed the homeless now. I want to talk to them and not ignore them like everyone else.

I strongly encourage you to go buy or borrow the book he wrote though!

It's called "Under the Overpass". I haven't read it yet but I got my copy this morning and Mike signed it :)

I'm so excited to start reading it!

He also shared with some statistics.

There are 760,000 Americans from each US city who are homeless.

Today there are more slaves, children and adults, than there were total during the Transatlantic Slave trade.

It really put things in perspective.

Get his book! I believe it will change and challenge the way you think as I know I was challenged this morning.

Fill it yo

I haven't done a Fill-in-the-blank Friday in what seems like ages! So here we go..

Now, I'm doing last week's fill in the blank, not this weeks' ;)

1. I started my blog because.. I wanted an outlet to record memories, crazy happenings, big events, and all things floating around in this brain of mine. I mostly wanted to record what God is doing and has done in my life. It's SO fun and amazing to look back and see all the answered prayers and spiritual growth..!

2. One thing I love seeing on other blogs... is definitely when someone is just being them. I love reading personal stories, (because I lovee people!) and relating to others emotions and life experiences! It's not always easy to put yourself "out there" and be raw and real, but I really love and appreciate when people have the guts to do it! We're all human here..;)

3. Something I love about blogging...is getting to "meet" other people and learn about how others do things. There is this whole community of bloggers who are SO real and plain awesome. It's a fun thing to be a part of. :)

4. A favorite blog post of mine is probably...That's really tough...and I honestly don't know, but I always enjoy going back to this post. ;) Give it a read if you wish! God is greater..

5. Something my friends in real life know about me that I've never before mentioned on my blog is... That's kind of tough too, because I like to be really honest and real on here..hmm. I guess I don't talk about what I want for my future much (because that's in God's hands not mine..thank goodness) but I really can't wait to have my own family some day! I much look forward to meeting my future husband and starting my own family. :) I can't wait to be a mother!

6. My new favorite blogs to read are.. hmm. these aren't new favorites but I love reading Katie's blog at loves of life, my best friend Christin's blog : Journeying Home, blogger friend Lauren at He's not finished with me yet, and lately I've started reading Susan's blog at The life of Susan.

:)

7. Some things I tend to avoid doing on my blog are.. complaining too much and talking about others.. (sometimes I fail...heh)

I'm super stoked for this FOUR day weekend!!! WOOHOOOO!

Today I'm doing things that I've put off doing, so I have my list. :)

Going to the gym...relaxing, that sort of thing.

Tomorrow I'll be going to R&R, possibly hanging out with a sweet friend afterwards and I have an interview for a second job in the afternoon. We'll see, but my hopes aren't too high for that at all..

Sunday Mike Yankosi is coming to speak at church! SUPER EXCITED about it!! He is a man who chose to live homeless for 6 months in 6 different cities. He's written a book as well, and I'm just plain excited to hear him speak.

Then, of course life group Sunday night.. ;)

Monday...unsure of.. but I KNOW it will be GREAT!

:) Happy Friday!

Acceptance

It's a warm day in the summer and I'm at a friend's birthday party.

I can clearly remember focusing on my polly pocket watch toy that I had just gotten at a Mcdonald's, or somewhere like it, while my eyes well up with tears.

I'm five years old; already discovering the hurt and pain of what it feels like to be on the "outside".

I'm sure I had happily arrived at that party, but somewhere along the way the girls started whispering to each other and they wouldn't include me.

Even at that young age of five, especially at that age, but even now in my twenties, I had and still have the longing to be included in something. We all want to know that we belong. We want to feel it. We want to be loved and accepted.

It truly hurts and pains us when we feel, for some reason or another, unaccepted for who we are.

We've all felt it. You know in your heart of hearts, it feels plain good to be accepted and welcomed.

It's something that's been swimming around in my head, and I'm trying to make sense of it.

There's been some point in your life that you haven't felt accepted by someone or a group of people. It bothers us... at the same time, knowing what it's like to be accepted, I think sometimes we (and I know I'm guilty of it a time or two) turn around and do the same thing to others. We don't include them, or we judge them or in some way or another whether we show it or not...we don't accept them.

I'm so guilty of it, and I know others are (but that's not the point)

I'm just trying to grasp it and understand how odd it is. We ALL want the same thing...to be loved and accepted, so why can't we do that all the time for each other?

It's such a vicious cycle... and I think maybe in our brokenness, sometimes it feels good to put people on the outside like people put us on the outside. It makes us feel justified to judge and control and manipulate.

Just thinking...

I want to love and accept everyone all the time, and I'm praying to get better at it.

Of course God, always loves. always accepts. and never casts out. He will never reject us or put us on the outside. Jesus was the best example of that.

Ohh, how I still have so much to learn!

Hope you enjoy pondering on that with me today.

:)

Camera strap :)

Today, I spent a good portion of my day making my own camera strap cover for my camera. :) I'm so happy with the way it turned out, I'm sharing some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Ruffles are so fun to make!

What do you think?

It even has a pocket on the back for my lens cap! :)

Happy weekend.

shhhh

So…I’m doing it.

Never have I ever done this before, but I am blogging at work. (shh don’t tell!)

Now it’s probably not exactly what you think. I’m not IN blogger, that would be crossing the line people.. no no, I’m just in Microsoft word.

And, did you know, you can set posts to go up at a specific day and time?

It’s pretty handy, I’ve done that a time or two.

I’m sort of having a conflict of interests in my brain today.

Maybe you've dealt with it before.

I’ve been hanging around a group of girls who you could kind of classify as a “church group”. It’s been pretty good, and I really like the girls and their company.

But lately I’ve felt kind of a weird hesitation in my stomach.

They’re believers in Jesus like me, but it’s like they almost have different standards than me.

I have things that I just don’t feel comfortable with. (like for example foul language.)

I don’t like it.

It offends me.

And in my book, Christians are supposed to be different and NOT do it. Sure, it might be cool to the rest of the world, but us? We’re supposed to hold a different standard. That’s just one example. They make it seem almost like it’s okay, and that it’s cool or something…idk. (..sorry feels like middle school again.)

I also know that self-consciously when a person is hanging out in a group of people, they kind of adapt to be like them. Purposefully or not, it happens people.

You start to act like them and say the same things.

I’m just now becoming aware of it and now I’m really trying to guard my heart. I don’t want to feel like I need to change myself to fit with what they do and how they are.

(again don’t get me wrong) they are great, amazing girls. Just something I’ve had a bad taste in my mouth about. =/

Ever felt like that?

I did it.

I finally got to donate my hair!

It really was kind of nerve racking when I knew she was chopping off my ponytail! But it's not to short and I'm happy with it. :) It's the first time in like five or more years that I haven't had any layers or angles.

Here is where I'm donating it. Check 'em out! Pantene Beautiful Lengths

New Place!

I finally have internet at my apartment!! (Got it on Friday, woohoo) but for someone reason I still can't connect to the wifi with my phone...bummer, no words with friends for me very often.

ANYWAY, I'm also finally giving you a virtual lil' tour of my new place. :)

See those balls? Yep, made them. Pinterest. <3

Gerber Daisies. :)

Can you spot the pinterest ideas? haha the "it is well..." sign is actually GREEN letters now instead of blue bc I thought it would match better. (and it does. ) That brown blanket is also the softest thing on the planet. :)

My new picture. I'm in love with this!

Pinterest baby. (cardboard + yarn + hot glue =cuteness)

Lil' bathroom.

Matthew 6 pillow made by my best friend! Thanks Christin, it's a great addition to my bed. :)

Of course there is a kitchen too, but right now it's nothing special. Same with the foyer. Once I make them cute I might put pictures of those too. :)

Hope you enjoyed the mini tour!

Letter

Guys, I feel frustrated.

Did you ever hear about the way to tell someone something, without feeling like you're "putting it on them". You are supposed to use "I feel______when you_____" Well, I feel like writing a blog post in that from. anddd begin.


Internet..I feel FRUSTRATED and beyond IRRITATED when you don't work even though I have spent the past 3 HOURS of my LIFE trying to get you to work.

Tech support people on the phone...I feel ANNOYED when you put me on hold in the middle of our convo..(??)

Fellow employees...I feel self-conscious when you come into the lab throughout the day and it seems like I'm doing absolutely nothing. All. day. (not true!)

Brain...I strongly dislike the way you blow up emotions. and make me feel anxious and nervous. WHYY do you do it?? I could kind of do without that..K? thanks.

Internet hooker-upper, I feel confused when you only show up times that I am not home, how will I ever get my internet up and running? (also-I just paid a CRAP load of money on a special "modem-router" so I'd appreciate it if it worked.Thanks)

Strangers I interact with...I don't like it when you call me "hun", it makes me feel like I'm five, or stupid..so you can drop that. K great.

and God, I feel so sorry when I want to steer clear of all this change that You are allowing. With all my might I want it to stop, but it just keeps on coming. I feel that I need to "roll with it" and let things go. I'm sorry I haven't been giving you control and that I've been trying to STOP things from changing. I'm powerless to do that and it's a hard place to be. I need to rely on You and You alone.

Things and circumstance change, You don't and never will.

I am so blessed and all of the things I am frustrated with are so fleeting. Help me to see that my life is for You and You alone. Instead of looking to the next and the next thing, help me to focus on YOU.

Love, Kari


ps. The only reason I have internet to write this is because I'm piggy backing on someone else, sad but true.