All I need is you

Welp. It's been a whole week since I heard that sermon on the radio.

3 weeks of class are already gone, 1 week to go. I cannot wait for it to be over with already. It's been causing me so much stress lately (which is probably my own fault)..there's SO much paper work that it confuses me to think about what else I need to do yet. ugh. This class STILL gives me anxiety and I wish I could say that that wasn't true but unfortunately that would be a lie. I'm trying to keep chuggin' along but I still don't feel great about it. I definitely need some sort of attitude adjustment...easier said then done. All I keep thinking about is getting through...which probably isn't the best thing.

On another note, I'm feeling especially emotional right now...heh. I'm not at all sure why. This week wasn't the best week as far as God time.
...By that I mean that I haven't made time for God and as result I have been trying to go, go, go with life stuff... but haven't felt okay about it. I felt SO anxious on Friday like most of the day, it was bad. The thing is though I feel like it's all my fault. I know God loves me but I get so disappointed with myself. I feel like I let Him down all the time and like I can't do anything right.

I actually slowed down today and I decided I would listen to one of Kathi's songs to do the next picture/drawing thing. It was the first time practically all week that I just took the time to sit and be quiet for a minute to be with God. It was like I felt all the weight that I've been carrying and I just lost it again. (I really don't lose it all the time, promise)

I felt so overwhelmed. All the anxieties, worries and concerns that I've been ignoring or trying to 'handle' without God hit me, hard. I can't really explain what I felt.. I know I felt bad for kind of ignoring God this week though(well not reeeally ignoring, but in my mind I might as well have been) How can I keep doing that? I know better really. bah.

Anyway, if anyone wants to listen to a GREAT sermon go here, click on the "current series" tab, it's the sermon from May 16th called Freedom/Control.

I listened to it again today and took a bunch of notes.

I'm not going to type up all of the notes but here are my favorite parts:

(First of all the sermon is about attachment and controlling things. He defined an attachment as "anything we convince ourselves we must have to be happy")

-God is creatively and actively at work with every detail in this world, even robins.

-In Luke 12 Jesus tells us not to worry, but this isn't really just about "not worrying". This is about what you believe to be true about God. He says "Why do you have so little faith?" It's not about worry, it's about TRUST.

-Do you believe that God, who sustains ALL of life (even the robins)cares about you as well? That He is for you, not against you? That when everything else falls apart He has you?

-Too often we tend to hold suspicion of God that He's not going to take care of us, or He doesn't have our best interest at heart....so WE take the reigns of life and try to control and manipulate things so that it goes just as we want, we dig our claws in.

-We shouldn't strive for what we cannot control. We try, but it doesn't work! The things we try to control end up controlling us.

-In Luke 12:32 it also says "Do not be afraid.." Fear is always behind control. Fear leads to control, control leads to attachment, and at the root of it we cling to what we are scared to lose.

-The same God who cares for the robins in your backyard cares for YOU and will not let you sink.


This sermon was crazy good. Mostly because that sums up my LIFE in a nutshell. That is me right there. I attach myself to things, and I try to control my life, and as a result I turn to my worries that I am oh-so familiar with. =/
The truth is that all too often I have a hard time believing that God really cares about me.
God is FOR me?? I would LOVE to really believe that, but why would God want to be for me?

I know that's crazy and wrong to think...but that's what goes through my head sometimes. And then I DO try to control things, because if, in my brain, God doesn't really have me or care about me I have to control things myself...right?

Gosh

L I F E.

God DOES show me He cares about me personally all the time though, despite myself. So then why am I so quick to doubt?

Despite everything I've said here I do feel like (right at this moment anyway) God cares about me deeply. Even though I haven't exactly done my part this week (in my mind...who knows what that really means) God HAS been with me and I've felt Him. He STILL loves me and cares. Wow.

Definitely still learning, and I'm sure I always will be. God never ever ceases to amaze me with His goodness.


I also wanted to post a devotion on here. It was from the day I heard that sermon on the radio, and I couldn't believe how appropriate it was.

Approach each new day with desire to find me. Before you get out of bed, I have already been working to prepare the path that will get you through this day. There are hidden treasures strategically placed along the way. Some of the treasures are trials, designed to shake you away from earth shackles. Others are blessings that reveal My presence; sunshine, flowers, birds, friendships, answered prayer. I have not abandoned this sin-wracked world; I am still richly present in it.

How great is that? :)

Amazing love

Lately, within the past couple days, I've really been struggling with THE things I alllways seem to struggle with. Things will be going good, and I'll feel like ya know, I'm starting to get this trust thing down..

and then WHAM..all the fear, all the worries, the insecurities, and this overwhelming feeling that I am inadequate in every aspect of who I am, weigh me down again.

I don't get it. I know it's a journey and there are ups and downs, but I feel like it happens so often and for me it changes so quickly. Like within days of feeling a peace and contentment I start to feel just gross again. I can try to remember that God loves me, and he has me, and that what I'm feeling is just that...a feeling and everything is okay, but that is really easier said then done. When I'm in that place I sometimes feel like NOTHING can pull me out of feeling that way.

Last night I spent the night at Shelby's and it was a good time. I really needed to be around people and it was really perfect timing for our lil' camp out to happen when it did.

On kind of a side note, God spoke to me in the MOST AMAZING way today. First I need to back track a little..

So it might sound a little strange but lately, like within the past couple of weeks I've been noticing robins.I don't know why, but I really like them. haa. I know..it's weird, why do I like robins..? But I do.

So anyway, lately I've been seeing SO many of them!It wouldn't seem so out of the ordinary except for I've never noticed them before like I have been the past couple weeks. It's not like I've even been looking for them, they just seem to pop up out nowhere and in REALLY obvious ways. Like one time one landed in the street right in front of my car when I was driving...(I wasn't driving too fast mind you..) and it like wouldn't even move when my car got close. And then another time when I was walking somewhere one flew directly in front of me so that I HAD to see it. So weird.

So lat night before I went to Shelb's I even looked up robins on the computer to see if there was any kind of symbolism in them. haha. I really felt that God was trying to get my attention or something, especially because I like robins.. But I couldn't really find anything that meant something to me from the computer.

Well today the girls were going to go to church somewhere, they hadn't decided where yet, but I knew that I personally needed to leave early to get to Kylee's and UCF since I was playing guitar at church. I got up earlier than everyone else to shower and I had to leave by 9 to get back to MU at 10.

So I get in my car and a couple songs played before a sermon started. I usually don't even listen to the radio on longer trips because I'm a fan of my ipod but at this particular time I had to go with the radio because I needed my GPS and it needed to charge since the battery was low. Therefore no ipod. ha

So the sermon starts and I thought about turning on the CD player(I know ha..come on Kari)but I figured I'd listen for a little bit. The sermon on the radio ended up being completely AMAZING. (It was all about attachment, worry, fear, control..etc.)I felt that God had orchestrated all of everything so that I could be there in THAT specific moment to hear that specific sermon. It was so great already..

As if that wasn't awesome enough, about 20 or so minutes in he starts talking about robins.

I could not b e l i e v e it.

wow.

I don't even know how to describe what I was feeling. That was clearly God and the sermon was SO directed at me and what I'm dealing with and truly struggle with..and he talked about robins!!!

?!?!

I can't even tell you how much I've been thinking about these dang robins lately and that they must have some meaning.

God spoke to me in such a REAL and personal way through that sermon and that connection with the robins. It blew me away. I was seriously in awe, and I just started to cry.

This morning was one of those times I will always remember of God expressing his love for me. It was like he was speaking directly to me, loud and clear, and in such a personal way. EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

One of the coolest parts about it is the timing of it all. It started right when I left and I got to hear the whole thing because the ride from Shelby's ended up being about an hour. (The SAME length of the church program!) wow! AND if I wouldn't have been at Shelby's or been playing that morning at UCF, I never would have heard it.

I can't wait to listen to the sermon again once they post it online. I really need some time to digest it and I'm sure after that I'll write some more thoughts on the actual sermon later when I DO have some time to digest.

:)

They haven't posted it as of yet, but when they do I'll add the link.

The more I seek you...

So tonight Amanda, JJ and I had our little meeting time again and this time Kathi, Kelly, and Jen joined us. It turned out to be a huge blessing. Kathi has such an amazing ability to minister to people and God really speaks through her.

We did an activity where we listened to Kathi's music and just drew whatever we felt, or heard. (yes. literally drew.)Each of us drew different things and it was really amazing to talk about them afterwords and get to that stuff we were feeling in our hearts.

I ended up drawing almost exactly what Jen had shown us for the example (I was a tad confused at what we were supposed to do) I hate to admit it, but I was kind of nervous before we started our little activity because it was something I hadn't really heard of before and it's not the usual way that I personally connect to God. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing...and I was just thinking about it too much. So basically I was analyzing everything that I was doing (at first). So I drew the picture I thought I was supposed to draw, rather than drawing my own thing..and I wrote down a lot of my worries and my anxieties right now.

I wrote down things about how frustrated and overwhelmed I've been feeling about my class. The whole experience is just so uncomfortable and I know I need to trust, and like I said in my last post I am glad God has me here, in this place, but at the same time I still feel this weight sometimes from it...it still isn't easy...and it still makes me feel mixed up and just not good.
I feel unbelievably insecure through all of it. I feel like I'm not equipped to know how to deal with these kids and it's not a good feeling. I want to help them and I want to KNOW what I'm doing, and I feel like I have NO idea! I'm so scared of failing at it and about how the other teachers will look at me and see that I just have no clue.

I just wish I didn't have to feel like this.

So there's that..and things are just really different in general right now. It's summer...but it doesn't really feel like it, but at the same time it does...
I have class, but my roommates don't. So that's weird.
I'm here at school but my home friends are home. I want to be home with my friends while they're there! By the time I get back Christin AND Britt will both be gone, and that's really upsetting. Especially because I won't see Christin for a while while she's in Africa. Like I said before, this summer will be very different...and it really scares me sometimes.

So that's what I was thinking about/giving to God while drawing and writing. It was really amazing because I felt like when I was trying to explain what I wrote about I didn't even have to explain it that much, but Kathi GOT it.
She really hit the nail right on the head while talking with me and praying for me. I really felt that God was using her to bless me tonight. She talked about things I was struggling with that I didn't even explain to her tonight...it was so great.

She talked about how I look at things that are unknown and if they are unknown I kind of say "oh no!" and get rigid and think it will be bad if it's unknown or different. But that's certainly NOT the case!

She (and Jen) talked about how change is kind of like a stagnant pond. ...yea stay with me here...ha. The pond has to have that continuous source of new water to be CLEAN, pure, and to be used. No one wants to use a pond that has lots of grime and scum in it, it has to be cleaned and made new, and change is required.

Kathi reminded me that God not only KNOWS my whole life, from beginning to end, but that he knows the way, he'll be with me and he is walking before me! So I can "take courage" because even though, yes, God is changing things, HE is the one who is changing them and making them new. All I need to do is walk with Him and I don't need to dread the change, because it is needed.

I was encouraged to picture that pond this week, and just the renewal that happens as water goes out and new water comes in, and to remember that God is the one leading. When those thoughts of 'dread of change' come I can take them captive and remember that God is walking with me and better yet before me. It reminds me of something else Kathi said. It's like I'm walking along the path of my life, trying to figure things out and be in control, but GOD's there and He has run ahead on the path and come back to me to lead and walk with me.

I'm trying to remember what else we talked about but it's all still kind of swirling around in my brain..ha. I'm also tired, so I hope this makes sense.

It's truly amazing hearing from God and I'm so thankful that He doesn't let me go, but that He keeps helping through my struggles. Kathi said tonight that feeling defined by anxiety, and fear is almost a blessing because it's what brings us to the end of our rope so that we need God. It also connects us to other people, and it's so great knowing I don't have to go through this on my own. It was also a comfort to know and be reminded that God wants our crap...if ya know what I'm sayin'..ha. Bringing all of that gross stuff and feelings really draws us nearer to God. The more we come to Him with those things, the more we will feel Him.

I just thought of one more thing...ha. (There was SO much good stuff) Kathi said that we build up 'structures' in our minds that we define as truths, but that are actually lies. We need to knock these structures down, (after we identify them) and not let ourselves be defined by them. They shouldn't be things we have to adjust to but they should be "cast away".

:) So yes. I think that's enough for one night.

"5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

6Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

Thanks goodness Jesus is the way, truth and life!

Trust

It's summer! (Kind of) I started my class on Monday, one week down, three to go. So far this class hasn't been TOO awful or stressful, but it was only the first week. My goal is not to get too stressed out about it. I have a placement with this class and I found out the first day of class that I was placed in an early intervention classroom with children who have developmental speech delays...

..my first thought was oh great..I don't want this, and I was really kind of worried about it, but then I started to get kind of excited and see that it could be a neat experience. I went to the school on Thursday for the first time and it was good but a little...scary? Not scary...just very different from what I am used to. The class is all boys. This scared me when the teacher told me that, but really, they are all so cute, I really do like the kids. They aren't as delayed in their speech as I had pictured, a lot of them are actually speaking pretty well. I had expected that the children were only delayed in their speech though and once they got help they would be "Okay".. but the teacher explained to me that each of the children there are delayed in pretty much every area and when they go to school they will most likely be in special education classes. It was really heart breaking and sad... Some of them have autism, one has aspergers..and there is one little boy who is completely non-verbal. He's such a cutie though, he's from a Spanish speaking home so he doesn't speak English...but the thing is, he can't speak in Spanish either and seemingly has trouble understanding what is said in either language.

It will definitely be a challenge for me to write and teach lessons for these children. They range in age from 3 to 5 and they are alll over the board skill wise..and when I teach them I'll have to try to get to each of their levels. It's already been stretching me and I'm sure it will continue to be a stretching time as I write my lessons and actually try to teach.

As nerve racking as it is, I'm excited that God has me in this place. It's new, I'm not at all comfortable with it, and it's challenging. I feel like God has placed me in this exact class and school for good reason. I'm really going to have to put myself out of my comfort zone these next couple weeks...and I'm honestly scared. It's amazing though because I feel God's amazing peace and I'm able to trust Him with it because I literally have no idea.. It's so new for me, but God knows it will work out and that I'll grow and I'll be OKAY.

Tonight I was working on stuff for my PLM (Plan for learning module), well really alll day I was working on it, and I decided to lay down. I had my window open and my music on and it was so nice. The cool breeze was so refreshing and I just felt such a peace..about everything. Things I've been worried about, school, LIFE. I truly believe right now that God has me and it's the most amazing feeling in the world. I wish I could bottle it up and always feel like this. I decided to read my devotion for today...(and yesterday, I missed one..whoops). They were both generally about coming to God to find strength and how we neeeed that one on one, alone time with God, it's so important in our relationship with Him and to remind us that WE don't control our lives (or shouldn't be trying to) but God DOES. He talks us through challenging situations and equips us to handle the difficulties..all we need to do is relax..and trust Him.

"..be strong in the Lord [be empowered through your union with Him]; draw your strength from Him [that strength which His boundless might provides.]" Ephesians 6:10

I feel slightly better about this trust thing..God truly is helping and guiding me to trust Him more. I can try to think ahead and plan all I want, but all it does is give me anxiety and make me feel horrible...and for what? Absolutely. nothing. Things will still happen how they will. God gives me what I need for each day not a year from now and I'm really trying to remember to focus on today and rely on God for the things I can't see. (Even the things I CAN see..ha)

"But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in your weakness.." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Also, praise God I got through the hardest semester of my life with all A's!!! :D God is so amazing.

GRACE and anticipation

Well, it's official. I am now a senior in college. I can't believe it, I have no idea where the time went. I hate change and one would think after the third time of dealing with another "College year" being over I'd be okay, but I still really struggle with the change. It has me feeling all kinds of mixed up inside. I felt really bad today again. Things tend to build up in my brain and I don't deal with them and they just all hit me at once and make me upset. It didn't hit me until yesterday that this year is over..ha, I think because I'm starting my summer class right away..but when I went to the gym yesterday and no one was there I remembered that it really is over because everyone pretty much left.
I'm excited for the changes and I am greatly anticipating what God has planned for my life, so I don't quite understand how it can make me feel so afraid at the same time.

I was feeling pretty convicted the past couple days about something and tonight I was able to pray about it and have God remind me of His amazing grace and forgiveness. While I was thinking and praying I realized how stretching this summer has the potential to be. I have 2 classes, and I'll be at school for a while. I'm not sure how much time pre-k will take up during the day but I'm excited that caregoup will still be going on. I think some really awesome stuff could happen also with the "Bible study" JJ, Amanda and I have recently decided to start. It's not really a Bible study exactly, more like accountability, but it's already been amazing to see how God has orchestrated the whole thing. It should be good, and I'm excited :)
I'll be at school probably until camp starts and by the time I get back Christin will be gone. I wasn't too excited to be working at camp without her, especially since we have both worked at camp together for the past couple years and it will just be really different. At the same time though, I think it might be good and really stretch me out of my comfort zone.
I'm also volunteering as a counselor at Swatara for a week in August and I know that will be stretching. I'm really excited about it because I've never done over night camp before. I'm interested to see how God will use me there to reach out to the camper girls :) I'm really nervous at the same time but I trust that God has some awesome things for me to learn.

I'm really trying to TRUST what God has for my life and not look at the lives of others and want what they have. I know God had some great plans for me and I know I need to trust that what He has will be GOOD. It's something I'm sure God will continue to help me grow in, and I continue to be amazed that what He has planned will be better than what I can even imagine!

3You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.

4So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages]. Isaiah 26:3-4

20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Blessed is He who forgives my sins and gives MORE grace.