I'm struggling.

Might as well just go right out and say it.

It's sad but true. I really am struggling. =(

I wrote a post last Sunday, and then I ended up not even actually posting it because it got all to personal.

I don't know what my deal is, but inside, when I stop and think about how I'm really doing, it is NO good.

The retreat was a good time to get away, it was fun but really different than past years, (which I of course didn't like so much).
I spent some awesome time Saturday morning outside with God which I loved. The number one thing I came away with from the retreat was a soft and subtle conviction from God about certain things I need to change. I've known about them, and they are things I have struggled with before, but I think they sort of got out of control and God brought it to my attention.
I was like "oh...wow God, oh yeah I should stop doing that."

So the week after the retreat I really was thinking about these things, these sins, that I need to stop, and I need to be better. And well, I, myself cannot DO it. I've tried, and I've failed. I keep doing these things that I know are wrong and I can't STOP, as much as I want to. I know that it's God in me that will take these sins away.
The only thing is...

I feel like God is so disappointed in me most of the time. =( I mean, I know that's really not true, and God loves me. I just don't feel it. I'm so ashamed and disappointed with myself. I feel like I can't do anything right and I feel like God must be so disgusted.
As we went over Romans chapter 6 this past week in caregroup I was reminded that we are not DOers, we are BEings..(I think I have notes on this very sermon somewhere in my blog btw) I can't be better by myself, because I AM SINFUL in nature. What I need to do is go to God, and surrender to Him in honesty and HE will help me be better.

The only thing is, most of the time I really can't get past these feelings that God is looking at me with a scowl on His face when I try to talk to Him. I feel like He doesn't want me anymore because I can't stop doing the things He has brought to my attention to stop. =( It's a bad, bad cycle. I NEED to go to Him to "fix" me but I want to fix myself before I come to Him...which I can't do.

I guess it's because I'm ashamed, plain and simple. I'm soo frustrated with myself.

It's hard to because I am SO busy. I wish I had so much more time to sit with God and reflect, but I don't. So in a way I ignore it because it feels so wrong. They say you don't NEED a lot of time to sit or whatever, but that is how I personally best connect with God. (most of the time...)

I've been frustrated to that I feel like I can't keep up with people because of all the busy-ness. It's hard.

And then there's the whole deal of me not knowing what the heck I'm doing with my life after I graduate.

It's all too overwhelming.

I don't mean to be such a complainer but this is truly where I'm at right now.