Winter break bliss and 2011

I've been feeling a TON better these past couple days. :)

I'm not sure what it is, maybe just being home, relaxing, hanging out, family time, God time, OR a combination of all of those things.

I really really love being home for break. I think I'm appreciating it WAY more this time because I know what's coming up next semester. Don't get me wrong, I am way excited for student teaching, but I know how time consuming it will be...especially after having my little taste of it with my J-block placement. It's so nice being on break and getting to read whatever I want, whenever I want. Catching up on shows. Being with friends. Gosh. Love it.

Today I read over these couple verses in my Bible over and over. They brought so much comfort today and I love how they apply so well.

4But God--so rich is He in His mercy! Because of and in order to satisfy the great and wonderful and intense love with which He loved us,

5Even when we were dead (slain) by [our own] shortcomings and trespasses, He made us alive together in fellowship and in union with Christ; [He gave us the very life of Christ Himself, the same new life with which He quickened Him, for] it is by grace (His favor and mercy which you did not deserve) that you are saved ([a]delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ's salvation).

6And He raised us up together with Him and made us sit down together [giving us [b]joint seating with Him] in the heavenly sphere [by virtue of our being] in Christ Jesus (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

7He did this that He might clearly demonstrate through the ages to come the immeasurable (limitless, surpassing) riches of His free grace (His unmerited favor) in [His] kindness and goodness of heart toward us in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 2:5-7

All of Ephesians 2 is reaal good. :)


Today is the day I also went to the doctor for my anxiety. I know a lot of people have their own opinions on that sort of thing, but I just want to do what's right for me personally. It's such a constant battle and I really believe that (at least for right now) something could be done to help me. My doctor talked with me a little bit and then gave me a prescription for Zoloft. Hopefully the side effects won't be too bad, and it'll help me rather than hurt me. We shall see.

It's totally not a "spur of the moment thing" though, it's something I've thought about often and also prayed about. I don't have the desire to tell many people about it..I'm mainly putting it on here for my own records..=)


2011 is almost here!

2010 was a pretty successful year I'd say.

I...
-conquered ALL of my early childhood classes and got all A's in them
-successfully passed two summer courses, one while working
-got to go on a mission trip to California and learned a whole lot about myself and who I am in God
-made it through some rough drama with a fellow Christian and I think we're both stronger for it
-turned 21!!
-got bangs =)
-learned to play ukulele
-joined worship team at church
-PASSED my Ed certification tests
-volunteered a week of my time at an overnight camp

So yes, overall, good year.

I was thinking about it, and I don't think this was one of those HUGE growing in God years. I definitely grew with God. Just, not as much as I would have liked to say I did. I learned a bunch of important lessons, but then in other ways I feel like I took some steps backward. I was really up and down this year, but I do also think that is necessary sometimes.

Here are some of my goals for 2011:
-LOVE love love, EVERY single person I come across.
-Don't overlook the people around me.
-Pray. about everything. All the time. Everyday.
-Spend lots of time in God's word.
-Exercise and eat healthier
-Take things/life events in stride (and let God handle them)

:) Bring on the new year!

The un-numbing process...

Warning note: This is very personal for me, and not easy to share. I've been debating actually posting it, but I've decided I might as well... I'm sure in everyones life they go through a period like this at one point or another.

Welp, Christmas has come and gone already! Time flies. Seriously. I'm not okay with it.

So I haven't written in a while...uhh...again.

After my last post I did something really wrong. In response to my HIGH anxiety and fear and whatnot, I just shoved it deep down and haven't thought about it for, well...a couple weeks..(?) Yeah. Bad stuff.
I made myself completely numb to everything. It's amazing how that can happen but I totally did it.
Some of the stuff I was/am dealing with in this brain of mine just feels like too much to handle. Reality is, it's really tough to face our hearts sometimes, and I just didn't want to anymore.

Over these past couple of weeks I've gotten REALLY good at "going through the motions". For the first time since I've come to know God, I chose to deliberately ignore Him, and just not even deal with stuff.

In a way I guess it was because I felt like God doesn't care about my circumstance, my constant struggle with the same fears and worries, because it's always there. So I decided I wouldn't care...

Let me just tell you, it was a BAD move. (Obviously) And I DO CARE! It's been so tough to just go through my days without talking to God at all.

You might think...how could you even do that?, but..the more time that passes, the easier it was to "stay away" and the harder it felt to "come back". I've wanted to, for what feels like a long time (this is all in just a two week span) but it just hasn't happened, mainly because I knew there was so much stuff I needed to deal with. I've MISSED God. What kind of person am I to ignore the God I love so much..?

It doesn't make any sense.

It's been so hard to let go of my control, or the illusion of it. Things are sorting themselves out for next year and it's so not easy to let God have the reigns. (But I AM giving them over gladly!) He's reminded me that I don't need to do anything but give Him my all, and the rest will just reveal itself in time. (HIS perfect time)

There is SO much more comfort in knowing that God has control of my future and I can rest and let Him lead me! Especially since He is the one who knows the way.Everything is so much scarier when I'm looking at situations through my own limited perspective. Through God's "lens" though everything is fine, and I know it will be OKAY.

Tonight, I was able to really "come back" to God again. I let everything out, and it felt soo very nice. :) There is SO much I have to be thankful for. I'm so blessed.
The number one thing being that God sent His son Jesus as the perfect gift to give me LIFE! He shines the way and illuminates every darkness, not only in my life, but throughout eternity!

That's GOOD stuff!

Oh Monday

Today was really crappy.

Just blatantly, puttin' it out there. I don't like bein' all negative but that's where I'm at.

It was definitely Monday.

I woke up late, I had to rush out the door (in 15 minutes!), I had to teach reading and I didn't at ALL feel prepared for it. AND my supervisor had her scheduled visit today.
ugh.. baaad start.

I've been getting over a cold, so I've still felt not completely right health wise, not to mention I just look tired and not good.

Like I said in my other posts I've been busy. and that's probably an understatement. This weekend JJ got married, (YAYY!!) so the weekend was SO busy, and I just feel like I have been constantly going, going, going. Like the energizer bunny. I've been going from one thing to the next without really having time to myself to STOP. and think. Sometimes you just need to reflect on things/emotions you know? You don't realize it until you haven't gotten to stop and really think in a while. It's exhausting. I feel like I've been emotionally exhausted.

This weekend and today I haven't spent any time with God. So there is problem number one.

Anxiety today was HIGH. I worry about EVERYTHING having to do with the future. You name it, I worry about it. And I honestly felt like I could have broken down at any minute today. I've just been wearing myself out, and it was one of those mornings starting out.

I'm at this cross-roads in my life, I feel.
It's hard because I'm still trying to figure so much out at this ripe old age of 21. I've barely got rolling with my adult life and I have no idea what I want to do with myself.
Sometimes I find myself wondering if I even really want to teach. (I WILL teach....) but sometimes I get confused about whether it's what I really want to do or not.

I guess I'm figuring out lately that teaching just doesn't fill me up like I thought it would. When I think about doing it for my whole life, it just seems monotonous. ...but then ANYthing I would do for my whole life seems monotonous. (..it is a job after all) Sometimes I just feel like what's the point of all this..?

Every so often I also start to feel down and just not right about all the change happening in my life and to come. There is so much big stuff in my life changing and it's TOO MUCH for my little brain to handle. It freaks me out. And then you can cue the anxiety.
I'm graduating from COLLEGE and this is all I've known for FOUR years. That's a LONG time. (and a very short time) In that time though I've changed so very much as a person. I'm not the same as I was four years ago. What will happen with my life now? Everything will be different.. Who will I talk to? or be friends with? How will I live? what will I do? WHERE will I be?
I can't shake the feelings in my head that everything will go down hill from here..and it will just be bad. ugh. whyy do I think this way.

I feel like I'm in a power struggle with God. I'm definitely not where I want to be and I don't understand why He allows my constant struggle with anxiety. I could definitely use prayer.

The fourth grade life

Okay, so I haven't blogged in FOREVER and ever. Epic fail.

I've been so busy!

Thanksgiving was great, and now I'm in my end of the semester junior block placement. I'm in a fourth grade classroom. Tomorrow it will be a week since I've been going! I've had NO time to even THINK about blogging, or read other peoples, it's kind of sad, but I have a feeling it will continue that way for the next couple of weeks.

It's a very strange transition going from having a college kid schedule, with lots of time during the day, to being gone ALL day EVERY day on a teacher schedule. (I'm still mourning the loss of my free Fridays) I appreciate the weekend SO much more now! It means I get to sleep in and actually breathe and remember my life outside of 4th grade.

I am loving my placement for the most part. My cooperating teacher is really good at just that-being a cooperating teacher. She's great about letting me do things and guiding me. She's also super nice to me which is always a plus. I love the students, and I love the atmosphere of the school. It's been hard to adjust to the curriculum they use, just because what we learned at MU was so much more hands-on approach. I have definitely been struggling with that aspect but I'm working on it.

The only thing that really, honestly keeps me going and feeling like "yes, I CAN do this..!" is God. The strength and peace He gives me each day before I go to school is amazing. When I'm focusing on Him, I'm able to let things roll off my back much easier-if you will. Little things will happen sometimes and I beat myself up about them so much and end up developing the worst attitude. BUT when I see myself in God's eyes He reminds me that this is a LEARNING experience. I was never a teacher before and I won't be perfect right away. That's what I keep telling myself.

Overall, I've felt a TON better these past couple weeks. I've felt so much more like myself and it's been so nice. God's been speaking constantly, in so many ways, and I love all of the little things He does that make my day!

As far as the future goes it's something that I still need to constantly check myself about, and surrender things back to God. To LET GO. Sometimes out of nowhere I start to feel all anxious, but it hasn't been happening TOO often.

Overall, I'm trying to learn all I can in this placement and have fun with it. Also, to RELAX and know that God's got me, and I can lean on Him through all of these teacher duties.
:)

New Favorite Song

One of my friends was singing this song the other day and I was listening to it tonight, and it is definitely way up there on my LOVE-this-song list. It's called In Your Arms by Meredith Andrews. A bunch of her other songs are really pretty too!

In Your Arms-Meredith Andrews

I’m turning the world off
Embracing the silence
Walking away from all the voices
That are Screaming in my ear

I've been too caught up
I've been so stressed out
All of the noise replaced the whisper
That used to be so clear

So I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

I’m letting my fears go
Giving You control
For You are the one who holds me closer
In my soul's darkest night

Everything I see
Is so temporary
So help me to run the race before me
With eternity in sight

Now I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

To sit at Your feet
At Your table of mercy
To gaze on Your beauty, my Lord
To drink from Your well
And be changed by Your glory
How could I ask for more
Jesus, how could I ask for more

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

Jeremiah 17

Well, unfortunately I have failed this week at keeping up with my blog. It's finals time though, so I feel like that's a valid excuse. I haven't even been able to keep up reading others' blogs this week.

God is doing some awesome things in my heart though. :) I've had a couple of revelations and things today and I'm still trying to sort through it all, hopefully writing it down will help.

This morning there was an R and R retreat and it was really great.
Jenny was talking about bearing fruit and how we obviously should be bearing fruit, BUT, we should be cautious to the fact that we aren't bearing "fast fruit". It was the first time I had ever heard this concept. If we bear "fast fruit" it most likely means that we have no root, or foundation and that it won't last in times of trials. She was focusing a lot on the "roots" today. She said it's better to have nothing on the surface, no fruit, because you could be growing much needed roots down deep. Even though you may not see a fruit RIGHT now, it doesn't mean that God is not working in your life.

She talked about the four T's, trials, trouble, testing, and temptation and how these things can "scorch" our plants, making us hide from the sun. People often fall away in those times because they do not have ROOTS. They go farther from God. BUT those T's aren't always bad.. they can cause growth in us IF we have roots. The only way we can grow roots is to listen and obey God's word. To turn TO Him to allow those roots to grow.

(I hope that makes sense, she uses a lot of analogies..and explains it way better than I can)

Anyway, the journal time at the retreat this morning was a total TEN for me. God really spoke to me. I realized that, for one, I feel like my life should ALWAYS be producing fruit at ALL times, and I think I get ahead of myself. I certainly have been letting those T's (trials, temptations, troubles, testing..) get to me in the wrong way. I'm so easily moved by them. I wrote down that sometimes I hear Satan's voice louder than God's, especially lately. When those hard times and T's come I have been turning away from God instead of towards Him, not allowing Him to do His work that He wants to do. I realized that nothing can come out of these seemingly bad things in my head/heart if I don't come to God to use it and mold me through all that junk. The ROOTS will never grow if I ignore God and don't come to Him with these things.

I really heard God's voice this morning saying "COME TO ME IN ALL TIMES!!"
He wants me to come when I'm anxious. He wants me to come when I'm fearful. He wants me to come when I'm lonely. He even wants me to come when I'm bitter. Or when I'm angry, or even jealous. God WANTS ME TO COME! At ALL TIMES! Whatever it is I'm doing or feeling, it doesn't matter, He wants it. He wants me. There is nothing He can do if I choose to keep those things in my heart. He can't grow those roots in me if I don't bring these things.

The other revelation is that I've really been hearing Satan's voice so loudly lately that it's affecting my mood, and my actions, and worst of all, my heart. I was reading Pastor Duane's sermon notes from the sermon I missed a couple of weeks ago when I went home, it was about discerning the voice of God. It's something that seems like it should be so simple but these few points were the ones that "hit" the most for me.

1)God's voice leads to peace inside you
2)God's voice will not contradict the written word of God
3)God's voice will be confirmed
4)Acting on it brings glory to God

With this and the retreat and God speaking today, I've been realizing that I've had SO much junk in my heart lately. There is so much I need to bring to God. There are so many lies that Satan has been putting in my head. And there are a lot of places I need to allow God to work. After reflecting, I can certainly see that there are things creeping up in my heart that I never ever want to be there. I've been acting in ways that I've regretted all because of the enemy's subtle voice in my head.

It's a HUGE weakness on my part that I've been listening to it and not keeping these things in check.

A big problem (or whatever you want to call it) is that I'm seriously insecure. The enemy has been using true situations in my life and twisting them to seem like something they really aren't, feeding off of my insecurity.

It's disgusting. There aren't any other words I would use. It disgusts me how my human nature can take over and how I've been acting/what I've been holding in my heart. That's why it's SUCH AN AMAZING thing that God still WANTS it ALL.

When I come to Him through each trial and temptation..etc, he can use that to grow me. Then, when I have those roots deep down, I can still receive His nourishing water in the storms and drought. I will be so secure that I won't be moved.

A lot of scripture was highlighted today but this was my favorite.

Jeremiah 17: 7-8
7[Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is.

8For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit.

Be sure to come to God in your own life so that you'll be "growing" long lasting fruit! :)

Decisions and Safety Nets

So I'm at a place right now where I have about a million questions running through my head.

I'm trying to figure out my life, in a major way.

I do this thing where I think about all the possible options, and then all the things that could/might happen, and how things will work out with each option.

Now, you could say, sure well that's normal. And maybe it is, to a certain extent. But I do this to the EXTREME, and I make myself sick about it. All of these hypothetical situations in my head are driving me crazy.

There are some big life decisions headed my way. (at least for me and my little life)

What am I going to do after graduation?

I originally, in the back of my mind always thought I wanted to live out here by school afterwards. I like the area...but more than that it's because certain close friends of mine are here. And well, I don't want to have to leave them. :( They're like my safety net.

So I've been trying and trying to think about roommates and it just seems to be falling through. My landlord was here yesterday fixing a light and he mentioned that he wants to know if any of us are staying on another year lease.. and that didn't help my crazy, controlling, figure-everything-out brain.

The other part of all of this is that I HAVE been praying about it. When I was anxious in September about post-grad, I started praying. I prayed that God would direct me, and show me, and LEAD me where He wanted me. God always does. For me, I usually know if I'm being led in a certain direction if I feel a peace about one decision over the other. (or if doors are being closed)

..So I'm sort of wondering if this is God closing doors..? The roommates are seriously falling through, and there aren't many other options for me since I'm an oldie now and most of my good friends already graduated. I can't live here by myself, because not only wouldn't I want to.. but money wise, that would not be okay.

I'm scared to say it but I also all of a sudden feel a peace about being home. A good friend that I know from school is living around there and so I WOULD have at least one good friend. That alone gave me a peace. The situation with her looking for houses IN (anonymous)where I live is certainly ironic enough. Like what are the chances out of allll of the places that she could live that she would find somewhere 5 minutes from my house?!
I also like being home, I wouldn't need to pay rent, AND I wouldn't be alone.

I feel like God is leading me there in a way... But then there is part of me that panics because it's not really what I want ideally. I would still much rather be here near my best friends...

I don't at all want to be ignoring God's calling for my life.

Are there options here? or does God lead to ONE decision, one way to do something..?

I would love any input..:)

Happy Sunday!

God's peace still rules

This post might be really honest..I'm not sure but I'm feelin' it tonight. ha

It's Wednesday night. Which means it's caregroup night, well...it's SUPPOSED to be caregroup night.. (CG is Bible study) but it was cancelled tonight because one of the leaders got sick :( I'm really bummed. I hate to admit it, buuut I start looking forward to Wednesday night... on Monday. ha. Yes. MONDAY. It's kind of sickening but it's really a day that I can't wait to come because I love caregroup that much. All week I wait for it in my head. It's like such a bright spot in my week. Something to look forward to ya know? So yeah, I'm bummed.

I have my dreaded Praxis 2 tests coming up this Saturday so I've been studying, and caregroup is always a nice "forced" break for myself. If I'm home I feel like I should be studying.

Tonight though I decided to do a "soaking" as Kathi called them, and just spend a little quiet time with God (..before I start studying.... If your curious as to what I mean by soaking check out this post
She had us listen to her music and draw, but I just put on some random music (JJ Hellers new album, which is fantastic btw)and started drawing.

I ended up drawing an ocean with a lot of waves and I'm in the waves trying not to drown. At the bottom of the ocean I wrote the words, fear, worry, loneliness, anxiety. I also wrote no fight left..
and then above the ocean I drew a yellow/orange cloud with God's arms reaching down. In the light clouds I wrote peace, love, joy, truth, comfort. I also put MY ARMS ARE OPEN.

It's kind of amazing what kind of things just come out when you sit down to color or draw. My picture seems kind of depressing. I mean...I pretty much drew myself drowning..I know that can't be good.

That's honestly how I've felt these past few days/weeks though, on and off. I seriously feel like I'm drowning sometimes. In worry,fear, anxiety, doubts, you name it. I haven't felt like myself and I've been so depressed. It's the worst feeling ever, because there isn't really a direct reason and it's SO HARD to pull myself out when I'm feeling it.

I felt A LOT better today than yesterday and I've been thanking God for that. I sometimes wonder if I should tell a doctor or someone about it, but it's not consistent, it's so on and off. I'm just not sure if it's normal.

Anyway- in my time tonight God showed up and he pointed out these verses in 1 Peter3:

3Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning...4But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.
...And you are now [Sarah's] true daughters if you do right and let nothing terrify you [not giving way to hysterical fears or letting anxieties unnerve you].

I was also reading in Colossians 3. I love the whole thing, this verse especially stuck out tonight..
15And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].

I love that. God's peace settles all questions that arise in our minds. (and believe me, I can come up with a lot of 'em. understatement)

So yeah, Happy Wednesday night to all!

Isaiah 41

These were a big comfort this morning. :)

10Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.
13For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!

In good hands

I came home for the weekend and it's been so nice to relax and be lazy:) I don't have TOO much work so it's been so nice to just enjoy being home.

God's peace is completely amazing. There is nothing like it.

Last night I was dealing with some intense anxiety about the future again. (..story of my lifeee right now) This time was different though. Usually when I worry about the future it relates in some way to my biggest fear of being alone. For the first time though, my worries were completely about money.

I've thought about the whole money thing before, but only in a passing thought,last night though it became SO much more real. I was talking to my parents about it and how I want to ideally live out by my school after graduation. Then we were talking about the possibility of where I could get a job and such. We also were talking about subbing. (In my mind I will most likely end up subbing) Then there is the whole question of will I be able to support myself on a simple sub salary? We're talking maybe $100 a day, which isn't too bad a month IF I even would get a job everyday. I really want to stay out by school but if I choose to I'll more than likely be supporting myself.
(Yes..right now I am lucky enough to have my parents supporting me in almost every area financially, and believe me, I do NOT take that for granted!) But next year that will probably change. It would be good if I had a REAL job, so that there wouldn't be a question of whether I could live out there, but alas I don't know what will happen. (obviously..)

So..all this had my head spinning in a MAJOR way last night. I was trying to figure out things that I just CAN'T know until the time comes. (ex. will I find a job? How much will I make? WHERE will I look for a job? etc..) It's scary not knowing, but God will lead me all the way and allow me to know what I need to know when the time comes.

God is also MORE than capable of blessing me with a permanent teaching position, even in these hard times. I don't want to get my hopes up because I know how tough it is but it can and DOES happen. I don't in any way want to put God in a box and plan for the worst. (WHY do I do that??)

Anyway- I have much more of a peace about it right now. I've been praying these concerns and anxieties into God's hands and I know He will guide me in His perfect timing. No matter where I end up, or how things are going, God will be with me.
I heard this quote this week and I think it's perfect (I'm not sure who said it)

"I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds it"

It's such a comfort to remember that God is the one in charge.

Tonight I was also thinking about babies and how we're God's children.

I was thinking about little Benjamin Bowman who entered the world on this past Thursday November 4th, (CONGRATS KYLEE!!!!) and how much God loves him and planned him. Benjamin is just a little baby, he just recently took his first breaths but already God knows his whole life. He knows what paths Benjamin will take and everything that will happen in his life. As I was thinking about this God really helped me to see that I was that baby too. I was fresh and new at one point in my life and I had everything before me that hadn't happened yet. I'm still on my journey and even though I'm obviously older and able to think, it doesn't mean God is in any less control of my life. He still knows the paths I have yet to take. He knew everything that would happen in my 21 years of life and knows what is to come. He KNOWS where I will be next year and He will be WITH me. No matter what is happening in my life, whether I feel it is good or bad, God will be there to turn to and lean on.

Amen! What a comfort. I'm so thankful.

Grip of fear

Well, Happy Halloween.
In honor of Halloween Pastor Duane preached his sermon this morning on fear and faith.

It could not have come at a more perfect time.

I've really been swimming in fear lately, or rather drowning in it..I should say.
Fear and Satan's lies has such a grip on my heart. This whole month of October has just been a C R A Z Y one. I've had so many ups and downs and I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster.

I'm just exhausted.

Spiritually and emotionally.

It it so draining trying to fight off the voice of the enemy in my life. I just need to run straight into God's arms and rest in Him. In His comfort and His peace, and His truth.

Sometimes Satan's voice is so loud, it's hard to know what the truth is.

Pastor Duane talked about a lot of things this morning that I want to highlight but one thing that stuck out was the word foothold. It's a weakness in our life that Satan THRIVES off of. There is one specific weakness, fear, that I constantly come back to and Satan loves to make me tremble in fear about it.

Here are some of the sermon notes I took:
-Faith is belief in what God has said. Fear is false evidence appearing real.
-Whether something is true or not, it appears true because it is believed
-It is possible to walk in faith but experience fear at the same time
-When we walk in TRUTH we are set free from fear and anxiety


"There is no fear in love[dread does not exist], but full grown love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror..." 1John 4:18

This verse has been a comfort to me..
"For we are God's [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]."
Ephesians 2:10
How awesome?
It really jumped out at me how many ways planned can be said and are said in this passage..(this is the amplified version mind you)

1. Predestined
2. Planned beforehand
3. Prepared ahead of time
4. Prearranged

WOW! It was like God was shouting at me through this verse Friday morning. God has my life, I have NO reason whatsoever to worry about it. But, so why do I then?

The other passage that really helped with my struggle against those sins like I talked about, and God's disappointment is in Hebrews 12:3-11

3Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.

4You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood.

5And have you [completely] forgotten the divine word of appeal and encouragement in which you are reasoned with and addressed as sons? My son, do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved or corrected by Him;

6For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.

7You must submit to and endure [correction] for discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not [thus] train and correct and discipline?

8Now if you are exempt from correction and left without discipline in which all [of God's children] share, then you are illegitimate offspring and not true sons [at all].(B)

9Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we yielded [to them] and respected [them for training us]. Shall we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and so [truly] live?

10For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but He disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in His own holiness.

11For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God].

Thankful Thursday :)

Yes, it's that time again for a thankful Thursday post :)

This week was sooooooooooo long. My goodness. Usually the weeks fly, but this week, it did not happen. (Was it really only a couple of days ago on Monday when I got whacked in the head with Jess's chair leg, and we had our geo-fair??)

Anyway-

-As strange as this weather has been lately I am so thankful for how gorgeous it is outside! It's SO beautiful! I'm thankful for the warm breezy day that this Thursday is and that God chooses to reveal Himself even in the colorful leaves all around. I'm so thankful that I live in this place that is PA where I can enjoy all the beautiful colors that are God's magnificent creation.

-I'm SUPER thankful that God takes a hold of my hand like NO other and doesn't let me go, even when I feel like He has. God's truths are SO much BIGGER than Satan's lies and God doesn't ever stop trying to reach me. Last night in Bible study we were in Romans 6, (the last half) discussing how we are NO longer slaves to sin, but SONS of God. We aren't slaves to sin, we are slaves to righteousness. We are free to be children of God, and He offers more and MORE grace. Amazing. I'm still trying to soak this up in my heart and really believe its truth.
"Jesus answered them, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, Whoever commits sin is a slave of sin. Now a slave does not remain in a household permanently (forever); the son [of the house] DOES remain forever." John 8:34-35

-I'm really very thankful for music and how much of an outlet it is for me. It really helps me to relax, (and not have to think too much) when just sitting down at the keyboard playing worship songs. It's so great, and I'm thankful for my god-given ability to play and understand musical things!

-I'm thankful to be reading this book right now called "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. (She is the wife of Steven Curtis Chapman) I went out and got the book last weekend with some leftover birthday money I had on a B&N gift card still. It's all about her journey in life and it's AWESOME. She's been through a lot, and I just love hearing about others' lives and their testimonies. It's encouraging and I find God speaking to me through HER life, which is so great. I just read a couple chapters about how she adopted three of her children from china. After she adopted her first baby from China she had a revelation from God, the first time she held her. She heard God saying this:
"You are this orphan! I adopted you and you are Mine! I bought you for a price! Do you see how you love this baby? That's just a faint reflection of how much I love you! You didn't have a name and I gave you a name. You did nothing to deserve my love, and I love you anyway. You had no hope, no future, and now you are a daughter of the King!"

Isn't that so great?! God speaks that to alll of us His children. I also find it quite amazing that it relates perfectly to Bible study from last night. God has ADOPTED US as sons (and daughters), He loved us when were unlovable and calls us HIS because He bought us! We were slaves, but now we are children. Amazing. I'm thankful.

-I said this last time, but I'm really very thankful for the people in my block section. They all make class so much fun! Today we had a Halloween day and a bunch of people brought in candy and passed it out, so we all had big piles of it on our tables. Dr. Labant does and says some interesting things sometimes and we all just laugh. It's so great. At this point in the semester we are all so familiar with each other since we have all those classes together and it's nice, I feel like we all have this common bond or something. It makes me feel happy inside..

-And now that I sound like a hippie ..ha.. I'm thankful for the upcoming weekend. :) Hopefully I'll get to relax and spend some good time with God. There is an R&R retreat this Saturday, Kylee and I are having lunch (unless baby comes ;), and our worship team is playing Sunday :) I'm so thankful for all of these things.

yayy God.

"For the wages which sin pays is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 6: 23

Still chuggin' along

(May the God of peace) ..21Strengthen (complete, perfect) and make you what you ought to be and equip you with everything good that you may carry out His will; [while He Himself] works in you and accomplishes that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ (the Messiah); to Whom be the glory forever and ever (to the ages of the ages). Amen (so be it).
Hebrews 13:21

I love this verse.

I want to be so much better than I am.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of that girl that God is making me to be and I'm just trying to strive after that. It's really hard sometimes.

I can only change by coming to Him. HE is the one who strengthens me and makes me what I should be. HE equips me with everything I need! HE works in me accomplishing what is pleasing to Him.

Last night Kathi, Amanda and I finally were able to get together. Last year we were in prayer group together and have really missed just talking and praying and things so we met ...at the mall...haha of all places. It was really nice to talk again. We went a lot deeper than I or Amanda thought we would go.. There was some hard stuff discussed, at least on my end (and I think Amanda's too) but I think it was stuff we both needed to hear.

We went into a lot of stuff about my Dad, and it was really uncomfortable. I'm just confused about it right now and it's honestly the last thing I want to be thinking about and dealing with, but in a way I think it's what God wants. (For some odd reason...) Go figure.. God wants me to go where I don't want to. I'm still trying to sort through things, but we'll see how it goes.

I'm really trying to throw myself into God so that He can keep molding me. I'm really praying that He will show me the truths about who He is, because right now, with everything going on, I feel like my thoughts about Him are really clouded. =/

Hopefully it will get better soon...

I'm struggling.

Might as well just go right out and say it.

It's sad but true. I really am struggling. =(

I wrote a post last Sunday, and then I ended up not even actually posting it because it got all to personal.

I don't know what my deal is, but inside, when I stop and think about how I'm really doing, it is NO good.

The retreat was a good time to get away, it was fun but really different than past years, (which I of course didn't like so much).
I spent some awesome time Saturday morning outside with God which I loved. The number one thing I came away with from the retreat was a soft and subtle conviction from God about certain things I need to change. I've known about them, and they are things I have struggled with before, but I think they sort of got out of control and God brought it to my attention.
I was like "oh...wow God, oh yeah I should stop doing that."

So the week after the retreat I really was thinking about these things, these sins, that I need to stop, and I need to be better. And well, I, myself cannot DO it. I've tried, and I've failed. I keep doing these things that I know are wrong and I can't STOP, as much as I want to. I know that it's God in me that will take these sins away.
The only thing is...

I feel like God is so disappointed in me most of the time. =( I mean, I know that's really not true, and God loves me. I just don't feel it. I'm so ashamed and disappointed with myself. I feel like I can't do anything right and I feel like God must be so disgusted.
As we went over Romans chapter 6 this past week in caregroup I was reminded that we are not DOers, we are BEings..(I think I have notes on this very sermon somewhere in my blog btw) I can't be better by myself, because I AM SINFUL in nature. What I need to do is go to God, and surrender to Him in honesty and HE will help me be better.

The only thing is, most of the time I really can't get past these feelings that God is looking at me with a scowl on His face when I try to talk to Him. I feel like He doesn't want me anymore because I can't stop doing the things He has brought to my attention to stop. =( It's a bad, bad cycle. I NEED to go to Him to "fix" me but I want to fix myself before I come to Him...which I can't do.

I guess it's because I'm ashamed, plain and simple. I'm soo frustrated with myself.

It's hard to because I am SO busy. I wish I had so much more time to sit with God and reflect, but I don't. So in a way I ignore it because it feels so wrong. They say you don't NEED a lot of time to sit or whatever, but that is how I personally best connect with God. (most of the time...)

I've been frustrated to that I feel like I can't keep up with people because of all the busy-ness. It's hard.

And then there's the whole deal of me not knowing what the heck I'm doing with my life after I graduate.

It's all too overwhelming.

I don't mean to be such a complainer but this is truly where I'm at right now.

Thankful Thursday

I'm in a pretty bad mood right now. Hate to admit it. But it's true.

It might have something to with the fact that I had crazy j block classes all day, or the million and one assignments I need to do, or the fact that I had to walk home in the rain, and then wash the full sink of dishes that some people just don't know how to PUT AWAY in the dishwasher. (come on people, not that difficult) I'm pretty frustrated, not to mention a little PO-ed.

SO, I figured it's the perfect time to do a "thankful Thursday" post. I've seen these on other blogs and thought it's a neat idea. So. here. we. go.

-I'm so thankful for the UCF retreat that is coming up this weekend. It has me a little teeeeny weeny bit stressed but I'm excited for the chance to meet some new ucf-ers that I have yet to meet. I'm excited for some quality RETREATing from my life, to take time away and not think about my crazy life right now. I'm so thankful to be able to spend the weekend with so many other believers worshiping God. I'm also so excited to just have some fuuun. :)

-I'm thankful for my new rain boots that I got to use for the first time walking home. They kept my feet and jeans niiice and dry. Thank you Target.

-I'm thankful that this week only had TWO days in it and that it is now my weekend.

-I'm thankful for people in my junior block groups that make class fun and entertaining when all I want to do is fall asleep.

-I'm so thankful for my amazing roommates who I can have loads of fun and sillyness with, but at the same time have genuine, serious conversations with.

-I'm so thankful for amazing people in my life who take the time out of their day to actually listen and talk with me. There are people in my life that truly care about me and love on me, and as much as I don't fully get it sometimes, I'm so so thankful.

-I'm thankful that I'm a senior in college and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are so many more, but that's good for today's. :)

I feel a little better. Everyone should try it. =]

Happy Thursday!

God speaks through dreams too

This past week (last week..I should say) were j-block midterms. They were sort of brutal. We had classes on Monday and Tuesday and then 2 midterms each on Wednesday and Thursday. They were really tough, and I DID study like crazy. I studied all afternoon Tuesday and literally ALL day Wednesday, bleh. I'm so glad they're over...but at the same time nervous about the grades.

I feel like I've been on one of those "up-swings" for a while until recently. =/ I don't know what happened but it always happens I guess. Last week wasn't fun because of those tests and my cold, and right now it's fall BREAK even though it should be called anything but that. It doesn't feel like a break with all the work I've been doing today.

I feel like I've been overly distracted by other things in my life weighing on me and I haven't been coming to God enough. I just want to relax, but I'm so stressed out. :( Today a UCF newsletter was in my inbox and Kathi had written something that I can SO relate to today. That I'm distracted by life and failing to give God the attention that He SO deserves. She said it's all about Him and we tend to forget it amongst the things going on in our lives.

Lately this deep fear I have of being alone in life has been building and building and when I got home on Saturday night I felt the worst I've felt in a really long time. I HATE feelings of self-pity but I felt so worthless. Or like something MUST be wrong with me. If this doesn't make sense, put it in this context: I was at a bridal shower where allll of my friends were either married or getting married, and then I look at my own life and I'm nowhere near it right now. I know, I know, it's all well and good, I'm 21 years old, I have plenty of time, God knows... but I still broke down and I felt like crap.

This is going to sound so wrong but sometimes I feel mad at God for it. It tears me apart that I have to have such a strong desire for marriage, and a family of my own just to wait and wait....and wait some more, and meanwhile watch all of my friends (okay most of my friends) start dating, or getting engaged and married. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one or like God's forgotten about me, or just doesn't care about me. I just feel like "what about me God?"

Now let me just say a few things for the record..
1. This is so extremely personal and I'm really putting myself "out there" posting this sort of thing on my blog.
2. I know with my whole heart that this is entirely selfish.
3. I also know with my whole heart that God DOES have a plan for me. Most of the time I can trust God's plan and I'm even excited about it, but
sometimes I also think Satan really gets to me about this great fear. There are times when it all feels so frustrating and I just don't get it at all.

I understand the waiting part but it almost feels like a joke that everyone(okay again, seemingly everyone) around me has what I so badly want for myself.

So that said, Saturday night, NO good. I was a mess.

I went to sleep pretty early because I felt so drained. Here's where the dreams part from my title comes in...

I dreamed about a big ocean and water like ALL night. At least the dreams I can remember. I rarely look up meanings for dreams that I have...and when I say rarely I mean close to never have I done it before. But these dreams so effected me that I looked them up on my computer before church on Sunday.

In one of the dreams I was in a pretty calm ocean (water EVERYWHERE) and my friends were there too. They were floating in the back, but I kept diving and coming back up and bobbing all over the place. They were watching me wondering what on earth I was doing.

The other couple dreams were all about BIG waves. I mean these things were tsunamis. This time I had a house (or at least a room in a house) and me and the couple friends in my dream kept getting warnings about these torrential waters coming, more than warnings though we sort of just knew they were coming. (it was a dream okay ha) It was so scary, I could see the HUGE wall of water and I knew it would crash down on me and in my dream I was trying to figure out how to protect myself. I went under as the wave came (sort of like I do in the ocean in real life to not get pummeled heh) and it still had me tossed a lot. For parts of the dream I was just in this rough sea, being tossed by all these ginormous waves. Then I went to my house/room and it was completely destroyed. At one point I think it even caught fire.. ? Go figure. I sort of remember trying to rebuild it too.

Anyway-I woke up and I was like whoa...I need to look up the meaning for big waves.

This is what I found:
Waves
The waves in dreams may represent emotional fluctuations. If you are currently experiencing a period of tranquillity and peace, you may be dreaming about calm waters and gentle ocean waves. This dream suggests that you may be gathering energy and recharging emotionally. However, more commonly people dream of violent and dangerous tidal waves. Tidal waves or tsunamis suggest a period of emotional upheaval. Anxiety, stress, and unconscious materials may be coming to the surface and affecting your daily moods. Giant tidal waves may symbolize current emotional unhappiness and psychological stress, which are threatening to destroy you. The outcome of this dream may reveal how much strength you have to "ride out" personal storms. For example, surviving the tidal wave suggests that you have enough strength to overcome challenges and drowning that you may be "in it over your head" and should seek assistance.

Water
Water is a very common but powerful dream symbol. Its meaning varies with the details and the mood of the dream. Water is a deeply spiritual symbol representing the "water of life" or the "flow of life." Large bodies of water usually represent our unconscious minds or/and soul experiences. Water symbolizes emotions (rough, smooth, clear, murky, etc.)

First of all, howw CRAZY is that?! I definitely felt anxiety, stress, and emotional "upheaval" that night.. It's amazing that the brain can turn emotions into things like THAT. The thing that really struck me the most about the interpretations was the part that says water is "deeply spiritual"....um. okay. wow.

The CRAZIEST part of all is that I left for church, and the sermon yesterday was ALL about WATER AND WAVES!!!!!

I. could. not. comprehend. it.

I still haven't.

I'm convinced that God was speaking to me. I've heard that He speaks through dreams and just the fact of that sermon on that morning, when I had already looked it up on my computer before church!... AHHH!!!

Now okay, the sermon covered more than just waves.. but that's obviously the part that stuck out most to me.
The main scripture for the morning was psalm 93.

The parts that stuck out for me were:

3The floods have lifted up, O Lord, the floods have lifted up their voice; the floods lift up the roaring of their waves.
4The Lord on high is mightier and more glorious than the noise of many waters, yes, than the mighty breakers and waves of the sea.
5Your testimonies are very sure; holiness [apparent in separation from sin, with simple trust and hearty obedience] is becoming to Your house, O Lord, forever.

wow. I wish I could get a recording of that sermon because I feel like I might have missed something or forgotten some already.

Here are the notes I wrote down straight from the pastor's mouth:
-Water represents God and His plan.
-Wind, and water represent evil standing in the way of God. The God of the UNIVERSE is MORE powerful than these waters.
-Sea represents evil, wickedness, suffering, death
-The Father keeps His promises, He calms the sea, He wipes away the tears from our eyes
-Our God is mightier, He has the power to calm the waters.
-He is MIGHTIER than the crashing of the sea
-Our God comforts us

It might seem a bit repetitive but that's only because he was really driving these same points home.
He also discussed Rev 21.. it's one of my favorite passages from revelation. He talked about how in verse 1 it says the former earth, and sky passed away and there was no longer any SEA. It was awesome how it all clicked. There wasn't a sea because it represents suffering, and death.

Mark 4:35- was also included. It's when Jesus calms the storm. :) The wind and the waves are crashing into the boat, and the disciples are scared. They doubt that Jesus cares about them and Jesus says "Why are you so afraid, have you still no faith?"

What a comfort and peace God brought to my heart through this. I'm still SO AMAZED even just reading through this. That is no coincidence, that's God. The fact that He would even still WANT to reassure me and comfort me when I'm in one of my most selfish states is appalling.

I could write so much more about this but I don't want it to be too much longer.

I've learned that when you "step off" the ride with Jesus, (when you aren't walking as closely with Him), look out, because you are leaving yourself open for spiritual attack, and that's exactly what's been happening to me I feel. Thank goodness Jesus always pulls me back.

Slooooow dowwwn....

Lately I've been very busy.

I actually like keeping busy, and most of the time I really don't mind it, it's fine, I'm okay. I can "handle" it all, I have my To-Do lists, going from one thing to the next is great,

except when it's not. hah.

This weekend I could feel God's distinct tug on my heart telling me to

S L O W D O W N.

"Your doing too much!" I could hear God whispering to my heart. So I stopped to think about it yesterday and I was like...Oh my gosh, God You're right! (duh..)I have been super consumed with just the busy-ness of all the stuff going on and it's not until I actually STOP, and take a breather that I can feel how overwhelmed I actually am.

It's a strange feeling when your going and going, things feel fine, great even, but then when you stop, it all hits and it's like stress overload. (and when I say "you" I really mean "me". ha)

There are so many things that I feel like I'm trying to balance and take care of and remember and it's honestly just overwhelming. Especially when I don't take enough me and God time amongst all the busy-ness. It makes everything ten times more draining.

I've been going from one thing to the next, my weekends in October are PACKED, which I like, but at the same time I NEED quiet God time, with just me and God.

I mean, come on, everyone needs that. (EVEN Jesus did)

So tonight I took my breather, and what a relief.
I can't even begin to express how much I treasure these times.

I spent some time praying, reading, and journaling and I LOVEEE it. Gosh.. love it so much. (..although I did feel kinda bad for locking myself in my room while my roommies are out "there" chillin')I just so badly needed it though.


So this week has been crazy. Something happened to me on Monday that really shook me up. I don't want to get into it TOO much because it was so upsetting..buut
I got in a little car accident in the Giant parking lot.

It happened like this:

I was backing out, I was about half way or more out of my space when I saw that the big SUV behind me also started backing out. I honked at him once, and he kept going. I honked at him AGAIN, and he still kept going! At this point I was really far out of my space so I couldn't just go back in. And the next thing I knew he had crashed into me.

Since I was so panicked my brain temporarily forgot what the HECK information I'm supposed to collect when an accident happens. (I've never been in an accident) So long story short, I didn't get the info I really should have for the insurance. Since it wasn't my fault the other guy should have to pay, but he's not because I didn't get the info I should have right then.

Now all this isn't that big of a deal, except that it kind of IS because my dad is INSANE when it comes to cars. Any little, tiny, minuscule scratch he sees on my car he comments on. He'll spend hours trying to see if he can get it out. So you can only imagine how he felt about this.
He gave me an EXTREMELY hard time about doing everything ALL wrong on the scene and pretty much made my life a nightmare for the first half of the week.

I kid you not. I was an emotional wreck. I'm doing a lot better because I've tried really hard to put it out of mind, and it's sort of over/settled (as much as it will be)


This whole situation really just opened scars that were closed up from my past. Things like this used to happen with my dad when I was younger a lot. And then when I was older it was less, and it hasn't happened in a LONG time, before now. It has me really confused and seriously messed up inside.
I hate that he has so much power over me and can effect my brain and my life so much but he does.

The way he went about things was the opposite of loving, and really condemning. It was something that had already happened, and I couldn't change it, but that didn't stop him from constantly blaming me an telling me how wrong I was. I'm not sure if it made him feel better but it sure made me feel like crap.

I instantly was reminded of how I've connected this earthly relationship with my relationship with my heavenly Father. I'm pretty sure it's the reason why I so often have struggled with feeling condemnation from my sin and feeling like God is always mad at me. (this struggle hasn't effected me since at least last semester like it has before) I've KNOWN God loves me and forgives me and doesn't HOLD my sin against me. For some reason though after this, it was like God was different again. I sort of wondered if He was mad too.

Like ...?!? It's just plain gross how that can happen.

Tonight God really reassured me that he is not disappointed in me. He loves me more than any earthly father ever could. I'm HIS daughter, His child who He loves more than I could possibly imagine. He's the one who got me through it and helps me to be okay with it.
I'm still trying to sort through all my feelings related to all that, it's difficult and hard to do but I'm reassured because God is on my side. :)


Besides that I've been trying to keep up as best I can with J-block. I've been keeping up okay, but there isn't much working ahead...well at all. ha.
I've been trying to get student teaching clearances, paper work, and such together.
Trying to keep up with my social life AND have God time, and relax time in there too.

I cleaned the house a lot today but I didn't get a chance to do any work. This morning was the "walk 4 water" to raise money for clean water in Rwanda.

I wanted to back out of it this morning because I didn't realize how much STUFF I had going on this weekend. (my Friday unexpectedly disappeared when we left for the wedding wayy earlier than I thought we would) In the end though, I decided to go and I'm glad I did. It was awesomely encouraging and inspiring. We walked only a mile carrying a gallon of water, but it was good to make us think. There was lunch and a little concert which was nice.

Along with journaling and praying I also got to spend some time looking at the R and R booklet and journaling about it. I want to talk it through with someone before I write about it though.

I just love how God can fill me with strength, give me peace, and help me to BREATHE and relax in His presence. He reminds me who I am and why I'm really here.

I wrote down in my journal tonight that God overwhelms me in a good way. This love is so great that it knocks me down and steels my breath away. It turns me inside out and brings me to happy tears.
All of my life here is all for YOU God. =)

I will follow you

Hello World:) (or the few people that read this)

I wanted to write something this week and then I constantly got distracted and kept forgetting and I'm only just now sitting down by myself to write a little something.

(Because I want to keep up with this "at least writing on Sunday" thing. :)

I read a lot of great scriptures this week.

This verse in particular from 1 Kings stuck out in mind this week from my readings:

11And He said, Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord. And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake;

12And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire [a sound of gentle stillness and] a still, small voice.

I even wrote out the verses and drew/colored them to depict the wind and the fire and such. :) It's hanging on my wall right now.

I really love the reminder that God is always with us, and He is always speaking, but sometimes He does speak in a whisper and we have to listen for His voice to really hear Him.

God really spoke to my heart this week through a song called "Can't live without You" by Bebo Norman. My favorite part, and the one that stuck out most was a the bridge that says

"Can you hold on? Can you hold onto me? Because You hold everything"

Not only does it sound awesome in the song but God constantly reminded this week that He IS holding onto me. He's GOT me. Through every trial, every fear, every presentation, and every frustration...God IS holding me. What a comfort!


This was a great weekend. It was so refreshing and such a nice mental break from junior block. (it sort of makes me feel like I didn't do enough work this weekend but it was worth it I think)

Saturday morning was r&r which is always wonderful. The theme this month is to "Prepare for a productive planting".
We talked (well Jenny talked) all about how a gardener(God) prepares (our hearts) for productive "planting".

There are four steps that we will go through each week to have the "soil" reach the spiritual condition. (ok as I'm writing this it sounds confusing, but trust me it sounds way more confusing than it really is)

But anyway, God wants us to bear fruit and in order for that to happen we have to first make sure our hearts are right. (this month's process is to get our hearts right)
It seems like it will be interesting to go through the booklet and hopefully as I do I'll be able to journal about stuff I figure out. For example, from just quickly glancing at the book, this week I feel like I'll figure out if and which parts of my heart have become calloused..

so yeah...we'll see how it goes.

The verse that I found so comforting from that morning was in 1 Corinthians 3:11

"For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is [already] laid, which is Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)."

I can try to prepare my heart all I want on my own, but it does NO good! Because no foundation can be laid besides the one that God had already laid!

It's pretty sweet stuff.


Besides that I got to play on ucf worship team this morning and it was SO GREAT! :)

I seriously loved it. It was so much fun and I love finally doing what I feel like God had wanted me to do with this "gift" He's given me all along. (this will be another post, for another day though) ha

I'm getting sleepy.

But. I feel so blessed.

There is absolutely nothing better than being in this place of trusting God with my whole life. The grace that He continues to pour out always astounds me and I am forever grateful. I'm so thankful for my roommates and I really love them both a ton! It's been so fun living with them. Kay and I had some awesome worship time tonight, and it was so unplanned and that was the best part.=)
I'm so thankful for all the amazing friendships God has pieced together in my life. I couldn't ask for anyone better than the amazing women of God who constantly encourage me and help remind me what love is.
I'm sooo incredibly thankful that God has got a hold of my life and that He already knows the way. He's walked the path before me and He's come back to walk it with me. Amen! :)

When I stop trying to create a life for myself...

"When I stop trying to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me".


I saw this quote the other day and I really love it. I've been thinking about it a lot today and meditating on it.

This post might end up seeming pretty personal, but I always try to be as real as possible.

This weekend both of my roommates went home. When I realized on Friday that they would BOTH in fact be going home I was not a happy camper. I don't mean to sound repetitive but I truly don't mind alone time, for some reason though I felt really panicked.

If there is one thing I will avoid like the plague it's being home alone for long periods of time. I just hate the feeling I get and I just plain don't like it. I've been in this similar position before I guess when I've been alone for awhile and I guess the best way to say it plain and simple is that I get really depressed.

Now that I've been through times like that I guess I try to avoid them because I get scared when I might feel badly like that again.

With all that said and done..(sheesh) this weekend turned out to be a really good one. I got to spend some time with friends Friday and Saturday and it was really great. I was so relieved to not be by myself all weekend.

And well, all that I just said is pretty much my greatest fear in life and for the future.

All my worries always stem back to my fear of being alone.

I can remember specifically sophmore year being terrified that I wouldn't have anyone to live with my senior year. My SOPHMORE year!!! I'm pretty sure I was also scared that I wouldn't have any friends my senior year either...

Like really?! Why do I this??

I was looking TWO years ahead. And I was convinced that my life senior year would be horrible.

I'm really so glad that I can remember those feelings so clearly because now I can think back and see how God works, and that I CAN trust Him.

But anyyyway...back to the quote.

"When I stop trying to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me."

There are so many choices that I feel will need to be made by the end of this year. I'm so excited for student teaching and BEYOND excited to get out and actually be a teacher. I'm SO GLAD that I'm at this point in my life where I'll be a college graduate qualified to have my OWN classroom!

I can't wait, but at the same time, it really scares me that I don't know where I will be going, what I'll be doing, or who I'll be with.

Sometimes I try to think about it, and it's exciting but now it'll be reality (really soon) and I'll actually need to decide.. and well I just don't know what I should do. (not that I NEED to decide RIGHT now, as much as I may convince myself)I know what I would plan for myself if I were the one callin' the shots... but I'm NOT. I think about the way I want things to go but God is the one who allows for my life to be shaped the way it is. He is the one directing my path (and I WANT Him directing it, not me.)

I want the life God is creating for me, not the one I'm trying to create out of pure self-reliance and control.

It's so awesome that when I stop creating my own life, that's when I can lean on God to work out HIS plan in me and through me.

I really need some direction for my life.

I love that I can see how these things apply even through my years in college. SO many things happened that I would never have been able to guess or even want to happen. They weren't how I would have planned it, but God worked them all out and they were GOOD! Even if I'm confused with the direction my life will go in now, I know that God will do things I could have never imagined and they'll be better that the plans I would plan for myself.


9A man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure. Proverbs 16:9

14For He is [Himself] our peace (our bond of unity and harmony). Ephesians 2:14

17The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior [Who saves]! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest [in silent satisfaction] and in His love He will be silent and make no mention [of past sins, or even recall them]; He will exult over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

Isaiah 26:3-4

Today was a loonnnggg day.

I'm super tired right now and I have little to no motivation to study for my phonics exam tomorrow. Like it's actually sad how little I have studied for it.I'm not sure why but I could just NOT focus for the life of me until like 9 tonight..! ohhh well, I'm not too concerned about it, (perhaps that is why motivation is low)

I did get to take a little walk tonight:) It was a nice after dinner walk...(yes, I WAS by myself)
I decided it would be wise not to take my cell phone or ANYthing at all with me.
Well, it got dark pretty quick so my walk was short lived. (I was a little freaked out bc I didn't have anything on me..)But I still enjoyed it! It was beautiful out (still is actually) :)

So anyway, the point of this post is to say that I had one of my math presentations this morning. It was my website presentation. When I woke up I felt really nervous, like more than I usually would for a presentation. Which made me MORE nervous, that I was nervous. haa. Because then I feel like I'll do a bad job if I'm really THAT nervous.
It's a vicious cycle people. Buuut the YAY part is that I brought it to God in the morning, and again during class. I was pretty nervous in class too, but I kept praying over and over that God would give me a calm heart/calm me down, and He did!

When it was my turn I was a little nervous, (but the good, excited kind) not the
"oh my gosh I'm going to have a panic attack" kind. ;)(it was just about getting there..ha..almost.

I was reminded once again that My God neverr ever fails. He is always right there with me, giving me peace, calming my heart, and putting things into perspective.
:D I'm so thankful!

Now to go to sleep..or study? hmm..


3You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.

4So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages].

Your love never fails

So, it's Sunday evening and two weeks of junior block are already passed. (Only 10 more!)
It sounds like kind of a lot but I have a feeling it will go by really fast just like everything else does.

I feel like I have a lot on my mind right now.

This weekend was alright.

I got to hang out with Shelby on Friday night. (we went on a shopping extravaganza to the mall and the grocery store..haha, woohoo!)
I also got to have lunch with my good friend Alex on Saturday so that was fun.

The rest of the weekend though, was basically spent working on my math center...and let me tell you, devoting hours at a time to a project like that is sort of draining. It's not like it was really hard or anything but just kind of tedious. I also felt weird because since I was home working on it a lot, I felt like I was alone a lot. (which I was...ha) I don't mind being alone sometimes... If I'm relaxing it's no biggie, but I spent hours cutting, pasting, arranging..etc and didn't talk to anyone! I didn't like it at all.

BUT I am pleased (verrrry pleased) to say that my center is officially DONE!!Except for some last minute laminations -bc the copy shop was closed this weekend- that's nothing though and I'm so glad I was able to finish mostly everything else. (and THANKful that God gave me the motivation!)


On a whole other note, this morning was only the SECOND time I've been at UCF since being here at school. It seems so strange because I feel like I've been here for weeks and weeks, even though it's only been two. (?! how can this be?)

Anyway....it was okay. I honestly felt kind of weird about a lot of stuff this morning. It just feels so different now than it used to. A lot of it is probably due to the fact that I'm a senior now...and well, it IS different. And ..I don't like it. (that it's different that is)
For some reason I felt extremely distracted during worship..which was disappointing because I spent awhile before church preparing my heart so that I could focus on God.I also felt like the message was targeted to freshman only, which was kind of frustrating. I was thinking about it and I feel like UCF is mostly targeted toward underclassmen. Which is GREAT, but at the same time I feel like I've outgrown my place there.
Is UCF really that different or am I the one who's different?

A lot of this sounds really terrible. I AM fully aware that church is about worshiping God and giving Him the glory. It's not about the music, and it's not about the sermon.
At the same time though I was frustrated that I couldn't or wasn't worshiping like I wanted to. It's not about the sermon, but I want to go somewhere that I'm being fed. My soul is so thirsty for more of God and I'm just scared that I can't grow anymore there.

I feel so, so horrible for even thinking these things about UCF. That church and the people in it are largely responsible for turning me into the woman of God I am today, and I'm so grateful. I just couldn't help feeling those things this morning. It actually kind of got to me, well obviously, heh, it makes me more upset than I would like to admit.

I felt a TON of peace last week being here, like I said before, but for some reason today I was kind of struggling with the changes. =/ boo, I don't want to struggle with them because I know how dumb it is, but I can't help it darn it. I miss last year =( Like a lot. I miss having JJ around, like crazy, (she probably would have been the one keeping me company while I did my project), I miss UCF in the smc, I miss my other roommates, I miss CAREGROUP from last year like nothing else. Everything feels so different and I really miss the way last year was. I don't know if it's just because I'm not used to it or what it is. But boy...it does not feel good. :(

I still feel "right" with God, and I know nothing can ever separate me from His love, but I guess this just goes to show that you can have a GREAT relationship with God and still have bad days.

hmm..just gotta remember to 'breathe' and I'll be okay.


Next thing, is that I DID spend some quiet time with God this morning. I was looking out my window at one point and saw the F O R E S T that is our backyard since the weeds decided to grow as tall as trees. I look out there everyday and think to myself I NEED to get out there and do something about those asap before they get worse, but I have yet to do anything. It got me thinking about an analogy of course. :) (God likes to put these analogies in my head I think because I would never be able to think of them on my own I tell you.)

So basically we're like a garden. Weeds can grow in a garden (or a yard in this case) and they start out as no big deal. They're little tiny things and you could probably still enjoy yourself outside without thinking about them much. BUT leave them unattended( like maybe all summer perhaps) and the little things GROW. A LOT. The little weed that would have been so easy to pluck out of the ground before, now has thick branches and roots that probably run pretty deep. If I wanted to get rid of the MASSIVE weed at this point I wouldn't be able to even do it by myself without some sort of chopping devise. I would need to work REALLY hard to get rid of it, and all the weeds back there. In order to avoid the hassle and I put it off longer and it just gets worse.

The weeds for us are our sins. They start out as just little tiny, blips. One thought maybe or some words. If we aren't careful to pray about them and set ourselves straight with God's help they only get WORSE unattended. The worse they get, the harder they are to get rid of. Maybe you've gone from a thought to action or a habit. Before you know it you're in so deep that it's all the more difficult to set yourself straight again.

I've experienced this in my life through different things. A lot of the time with me it's things that make me upset that I try not to think about. Rather than bringing those things to God and praying about it, (I usually feel that thinking about those things at all will just make me more upset) I avoid them like the plague. So sometimes there's a build up and things just get worse and worse because they grow and fester in my mind. It doesn't sound as bad as sin per-say ( or maybe it does) but it IS sin, because that is a classic example of me not trusting God or thinking I can do things on my own.

Now, I'd like to think this situation hasn't happened to me in a while because lately, I DO try to bring absolutely everything to God. I guess it usually happens when life gets busy.

But anyWHO, there's that analogy. Weed out your garden before it becomes seemingly impossible to do so! ;)

21 life lessons for my 21st

In honor of my birthday I'm doing a birthday post. :)
(For block we have to keep a "writer's notebook" and write in it at least 3 times a week so I stole this "entry" from that!)

Sooo....for my 21st birthday I'm writing TWENTY-ONE life lessons for my 21st =) Starting with when I was little and then getting a bit more serious.

K..here we go..

1. Skittles don't grow rainbows.

2. A person CAN get by without sucking their thumb.

3. "Blanky" doesn't HAVE to go with me everywhere. ;) (still have that thing by the way..ahah)

4. Teachers don't live at school.

5. Sleeping without a night light isn't SO bad.

6. Most of Pennsylvania is in fact rural.

7. The "big kids" really aren't as big as I always thought.

8. Parents aren't perfect and they have flaws too.

9. It doesn't actually matter what people think about you.

10. How someone else sees you doesn't change who you are.

11. In one instant, one person can change anothers life without even knowing it.

12. Words carry a lot of weight.

13. It takes a while to build respect for someone and a second to lose it.

14. Quantity of friends doesn't actually matter, but the quality of those friends.

15. Having some quiet/alone time isn't a bad thing.

16. Saying "no" is okay to do sometimes.

17. Acting out in anger or holding a grudge accomplishes nothing good.

18. You can make someone's day by a simple act of kindness.

19. Life's changes aren't always bad.

20. A smile is worth a thousand words.

21. Jesus is everything I will ever need.


So yeah..that's that. This was a fuun list to make. =)But it was also really hard! I wanted to think of stuff through the ages and there's a lot of stuff (obviously) that I left out bc I didn't think of it in the moment I was writing.


But anyyyway, I had a really great birthday. God's amazing and there were so many little things that just made my day and had me smiling. I felt so loved and cared for. I'm so grateful for all that God has done in my life, all that He's taught me and continues to teach me, and the many blessings he continues to pour out. I don't deserve one bit of it but I'm so so thankful!!

Start of something new...

I'm finally getting a chance to update this!
I reaaally wanted to write something way sooner than this, but it turns out the internet at our apartment had to be re-setup, so we didn't have any internet until Thursday! Luckily I could use my phone if I really needed something, but there was no way I could blog from my phone. ha

So, ANYway. Here I am. Finally able to feel connected to my blog again. (there's just something I really like about it!)

This past week turned out to be pretty great and a major blessing.

When I first got back on Saturday I was not a happy camper. At all.

I honestly just wanted to turn right around and come back home. (I know, BIG surprise there)

But the thing was, since I felt so upset about it, I was praying hardcore and giving up everything to God every time I felt a wave of homesickness or uncertainty.
By Sunday I felt SO much better. God gave me SUCH a peace about everything that only God can give. It was really so wonderful.

This week I've been trying to have my "quiet time" with God in the mornings before I start my day, and it worked out really well this week. (In the sense that I actually got up earlier to spend time with God, bc of course God will meet with me whenever!)
It's become a time now that I seriously look forward to sooo much, and I can't wait to have that time. It's so nice to continually give up my anxieties and stress and human selfishness to God everyday in exchange for His amazing peace and plan.

The first week of junior block was good and also not so good.

I LOVE my teaching literacy class. Dr. Topping is so fun and she makes class really interesting, so those three hours fly by.

On Tuesday after my other three classes I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Okay, I was feeling really overwhelmed. It was just a lot to have three in a row. They handed out the dreaded syllabus and then explained EVERY project, EVERY lesson plan, EVERY unit, basically every little thing we would ever need to know for the whole semester. (Now I know why God only let's us know what we need for TODAY! Our minds are certainly not equipped to handle all that other information for later on.)

So I was also able to really pray about that and give my stress and anxiety about classes back to God. He helped me to remember that I was feeling this EXACT way (like really to the T) last semester and I made it out in one piece. Not even that but I was able to do really well. I know that God will carry me through this semester too, just like the last one. :)

I've been learning that our current circumstances, stress, and all the things on our to-do list, can't even touch God's peace. It doesn't matter what we have going on in our lives, we can always lay it down (even for a short time) when we come to God and feel at peace.

I've also been trying to include God in every part of my day, not just that set aside time. That's still a work in progress though.

It's really strange being the "main" one in the house now who pays for everything and knows how to do stuff. I forgot until I got to school that I needed to set things up again. Like the trash, and the internet, and figure things out with the electric.

I feel like such a grown-up sometimes. So strange.

Besides that, I'm loving living with Kay and Shelbs so far. :)

Thursday was also my birthday! I'm 21...which I can't even begin to fathom. I wanted to write a post for my b-day but I'll do that another time.

:)

The human mind is a strange thing.

I'm not sure how or why it is possible to feel so many emotions at one time, but that's pretty much where I'm at right now.

I AM excited to go back, more than anything else. I guess.

At the same time though, I feel sort of nervous...and a little anxious.

What the heck?

I really want to be excited but I could do without the nervous/anxious part added in there too.

Oh well.

Tomorrow will be a day of packing and running some last minute errands.

Senior year here I come.

Sometimes things click

Last night I was journaling a bit. (More like writing out my prayer to God)

I love doing it because I feel like I can "talk" about whatever and just pour out my heart to Him and He'll listen. The same goes with unwritten prayers of course, but there's something special I find in just writing it all down.

For me personally, it is just plain awesome how God guides my heart and my mind when I'm actually writing down my thoughts. It never ceases to amaze me the vast amount of ways that the Lord speaks to us. Each way is solely personal too, which is awesome. He speaks to us in a way that He knows WE will understand, if only we will listen.

Last night was one of those moments when something really clicked for me and I was able to make a connection between different thoughts I've had.

That might not make sense, but I just knew God was speaking and it made my heart so happy. :)

God is greater than the greatest of sunsets

Today was the last day of camp.

It's bitter sweet I guess but I'm more sad then anything.

I c a n n o t believe it's over already. I feel like I was just up at night thinking about training weekend and now it's all done. The whole summer happened already. How does that happen?

I wrote a bunch of posts at the beginning of the summer about how different this summer was going to be. I was dreading the change-like quality of it weeks before my classes were over. I thought about and anticipated every little thing that would be different.

And you know what?

It WAS different. It was very different.

but....it wasn't bad.

What?? It was different but it WASN'T bad..!

Let this be a lesson for myself.

This was the best summer I've had yet at Carson Simpson, out of the other couple years I've worked there. The staff was SO great this year. It really felt like everyone was a team and we worked so well together. It was so fun to watch everyone day after day, encourage each other, and be silly but still get things done at the same time.

It was harder to leave this year because unlike the other years, I'm not entirely sure I'll be back next year.
I'm so amazed at how God worked this year at camp and I'm praising Him for working through it all.

I went on a walk tonight and it was really nice. (more about the walk later)I realized that this year, almost more than any other year, I really don't want to leave home and go back to school. I think, more than anything, this is because I know it's my last year, and I know when it starts it'll F L Y by. So if it never starts...it can never end! eh? (soo...in that logic, I don't want it to start at all. Ever. )
because like I already talked about in my other posts...I'm scared for the big life change that comes after college.


BUT, back to my walk.

I don't know why but I really felt like going for a walk, so I walked up to the park. I didn't really think about it before I left, but it just so happens that I started walking around sunset time. (My favorite!)

It was such a refreshing walk. I had some good think-time, good God-time, not to mention some exercise=)
It was exactly what I needed.
I love the way the summer air smells, and the green grass, and the quietness of a walk by yourself.
After I got to the park I found a big rock to sit on and I started to watch the sunset. It was GORGEOUS. Sunsets take my breath away every time. And to think, this is just one small piece of God and His greatness. He is so much greater than the greatest of sunsets!


I got to thinking about how sunsets are like God in a couple of different ways.

When I was walking to the park I was walking in the direction of the sunset. It was so nice because I could walk forward and I was able to gaze at the amazing beauty directly in front of me. I could see it the whole way to the park.

Eventually I got to a point where I wanted to turn around and start walking back the other way.
It was then that I realized the other way just wasn't as good, or beautiful/refreshing, because I could no longer see the sun. It was behind me. I was walking away from it in the other direction. Simply put, the walk was so much better going the other way! It hit me that this is just like God. When we walk towards Him, having Him in full view, it makes the "walk" so much better. When we have our backs to God or we can't see Him anymore things just aren't as good. If we aren't standing in awe of God, what are we doing? What else are we walking towards if not Him?

So as I started walking back I kept taking glances behind me so that I could see the sunset more. This is when I realized, the farther away I got, the more magnificent it all looked. When I could see more of this glorious creation it put me in even more awe and I just had to turn around and stare at it.

God is HUGE. He is so big that words do not do Him justice. We only hold a small piece of Him in our minds. The more we grasp of God and who He is, the more He puts US in awe. When we can SEE more of Him, when we can take in more clearly all that He is,we are that much more amazed at His beauty and majesty.
More than anything it made me think of Heaven. When we get there we'll be able to see and know ALL of who God is.(We'll be able to see that WHOLE sunset) Instead of just a small piece, we will be able to see all of Him! Praise Jesus! =)


12For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [e]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [f]fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been [g]fully and clearly known and understood [[h]by God]. 1 Corinthians 13:12 (amp)


Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come." 9Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, 10the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
11"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being." Rev. 4:8-11